Dealing with "haters"...

Nursing Students General Students

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Hi everyone! I have a bit of a story...

I went to a family BBQ today to celebrate the 4th, and my cousin decided to take the liberty upon herself to tell me that she doesn't think I'm capable of completing nursing school, that it's too hard for me, and that I should consider other options. This happened out of nowhere. My uncle asked how I was doing in school, and she just jumped in with her negativity.

I have my days where I really doubt myself, I think things like "Will I be a good nurse?" "Do I have what it takes?" but at the end of the day, I am sure of what I want to do. For me, nursing is my calling, not just a career I picked out of a hat. I would be lying if I said I was not extremely hurt and offended by what she said today. The most bizarre part of all of this is that we aren't close, and we never speak about my academics or school, in fact, we don't really talk much at all. Her comment was truly out of left field.

The point of my post is, has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you handle the haters and the naysayers?

Specializes in Leadership, Psych, HomeCare, Amb. Care.

From what you describe, it has nothing to do with you, everything to do with her.

Possible responses, some more polite than others:

Thanks for the feedback (then ignore her)

And this is any of your business, how?

Worry about yourself, not about me

Whatever... (with an eye roll)

Sorry, I don't intend to live my life according to your expectations.

The important thing is that after asserting yourself, you end the conversation. It's not a debate, it's not a conversation, it's none of her business. Don't let her suck you back in

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I wrote about this phenomenon about a year ago. In fact, I have dealt with this from family members. It is called the 'crab mentality,' which is a metaphor for the human response to those of us who strive to succeed.

Pay attention to the behavior of crabs in a barrel. If one single crab is in the barrel, it will eventually reach the top, leverage itself out of the container, and find its way to freedom because nothing is holding it back. The lone crab usually escapes, but none ever get away if multiple crabs are in the barrel. If many other crabs are in the barrel, they will hold back any crab who attempts to escape.

In other words, when someone is striving to get ahead, take a different path, or improve one's situation, sometimes others latch on and attempt to hold the person back. These 'crabs' can be anyone in our lives, including longtime friends, neighbors, coworkers, acquaintances, and even close family members such as spouses or parents. The mentality can be captured with the phrase, "If I cannot succeed, neither will you."

https://allnurses.com/general-nursing-student/crabs-in-barrel-758617.html

Thank you for sharing this! This is great, very interesting.

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I agree 100%. My older sister is a 2nd yr nursing student and I am starting nursing school this fall. She has told our mother that I have "no idea" what I'm getting into going to nursing school and that she doesn't see how I could possibly make it through because I have 4 kids. In our case, she has always felt the need to compete with me and the fact that I am now also in nursing school is really challenging her ego and sense of superiority over me. It's going to be really difficult for her to convince herself that she is #1 when we're on even playing fields. Personally, I have never understood why she's always been like this and it makes me really angry to know that my own sister, who is the only sibling I have, is hoping that I fail :(

I can completely relate to you, and honestly, just like everyone else on this thread has stated, you have to make it your absolute MISSION to prove that you can do it, because you can. If this truly where your heart lies... give it your all!

Always remember for yourself that comparison is the thief of joy.

Never compare how long it took her to how long it may take you, or your grades to hers, and ignore anyone who compares you. Nursing school is tough for everyone!

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Specializes in Case mgmt., rehab, (CRRN), LTC & psych.
Unfortunately, I do have to interact with her often! We have family get-togethers pretty often...

I have not been to a family get-together in many years and it feels so good to me. I have even lost contact with many of them. You should lose contact with this relative, or at least tell her to shut up.

Unfortunately, I have quite a few naysayers in my family with defeatist attitudes who will make snide comments at the drop of a hat, especially when it comes to topics such as education, work, careers, or anything involving aspirations or ambition. Success has eluded most of my family members, so some of them try to mock or denigrate others who try to succeed.

Contrary to popular belief, family does not have to be everything. This is especially true if some of your relatives are negative or trying to obstruct your goals and dreams.

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From what you describe, it has nothing to do with you, everything to do with her.

Possible responses, some more polite than others:

Thanks for the feedback (then ignore her)

And this is any of your business, how?

Worry about yourself, not about me

Whatever... (with an eye roll)

Sorry, I don't intend to live my life according to your expectations.

The important thing is that after asserting yourself, you end the conversation. It's not a debate, it's not a conversation, it's none of her business. Don't let her suck you back in

Exactly! Thanks so much. I said nothing, just stood and took it. She saw me give my mother a look, and from that point forward, the rest of the night, she followed me around, tried to talk to me more than she ever has in my life. I was polite but quickly got up and left the room. I considered sending her a text message after we left being totally honest and saying she was hurtful, but there is nothing I can say or do that is going to change her. I feel like responding to it directly would be showing her I invested in her opinion and would give her what she wants.

She has so much to be happy about in her own life and she is still miserable. It doesn't get sadder than that.

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Contrary to popular belief, family does not have to be everything. This is especially true if some of your relatives are negative or trying to obstruct your goals and dreams.

I could not agree with you more. I am very close to my parents, and out of respect for my mother, I attend when I can, because for whatever reason this matters to her. But I keep my personal life exactly that: personal. I see how my sister constantly puts her business out there, especially with this particular relative, and I see how she tears my sister apart for it. No thanks!

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"When everyone is laughing and smiling, it never fails, she either fights with her parents, complains incessantly about her husband and mother in law, and makes snide remarks to her mother and my other aunt, and she's flat out cruel to my sister, constantly judging her and putting her down, so I stay away."

There you go. She seems to just be pure nasty, and doesn't even like herself. That's sad, really. I don't know her and I pity her. As far as YOU go, YOU will be just fine!

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Thanks for starting this thread.. And to those with your similar stories and experiences. I love reading these stories and they inspire me to press on and work hard. When someone says I can't do something, it simply adds fuel to my fire. Haters are everywhere. Prove them wrong!

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Specializes in Critical Care.

Dearest mmcc26, I read this an had to giggle ..sounds like I've been at a few of those BBQ's before :yes:

First, keep moving forward in your educational journey, because the rewards will SUPERSEDE the negativity from people who are feeling inferior & jealous. Of course it is going to tick you off! You have every right to feel that way, after all nursing school is HARD and we doubt ourselves at times, so when others doubt us too, than it only reinforces your insecurity at the moment. I cant ever think of a moment I haven't or didn't doubt my ability to finish nursing school .. but I kept my eye on the prize and nursing in my heart. Don't let others negativity take away from such a positive thing in your life!! :nono:

I cant tell you how many times I had people say "YOU are going to nursing school?!", or "YOU are a nurse?!", I always answered that question very proudly & said "Absolutely, isn't that great, Im quite proud of myself". If anything it's an opportunity to practice a very important nursing skill, .. in which you learn that you are dealing with people usually at their worst (in this case her negative, insecure and jealous behaviour) and you find a way to communicate in a manner that brings them back to focusing on the realistic possibilities and positives for the betterment of their mental health.

And most important forget proving others WRONG, just prove yourself RIGHT! XOXO stay calm and nurse on!

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Dearest mmcc26, I read this an had to giggle ..sounds like I've been at a few of those BBQ's before :yes:

First, keep moving forward in your educational journey, because the rewards will SUPERSEDE the negativity from people who are feeling inferior & jealous. Of course it is going to tick you off! You have every right to feel that way, after all nursing school is HARD and we doubt ourselves at times, so when others doubt us too, than it only reinforces your insecurity at the moment. I cant ever think of a moment I haven't or didn't doubt my ability to finish nursing school .. but I kept my eye on the prize and nursing in my heart. Don't let others negativity take away from such a positive thing in your life!! :nono:

I cant tell you how many times I had people say "YOU are going to nursing school?!", or "YOU are a nurse?!", I always answered that question very proudly & said "Absolutely, isn't that great, Im quite proud of myself". If anything it's an opportunity to practice a very important nursing skill, .. in which you learn that you are dealing with people usually at their worst (in this case her negative, insecure and jealous behaviour) and you find a way to communicate in a manner that brings them back to focusing on the realistic possibilities and positives for the betterment of their mental health.

And most important forget proving others WRONG, just prove yourself RIGHT! XOXO stay calm and nurse on!

You're absolutely right, it is an opportunity to practice an important skill for nursing. I'm sure I'll deal with plenty of personality types I'm not a fan of, and you're right, this is a good time to practice how to handle that. It's been great to have people who have been in my shoes give me advice on how to look past the negativity. Thanks so much for your input! :)

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My fiancee's sister lives 100 yards from my house and she has been a THORN in my side!! She has always resented me and I have always tried to be kind to her -except I have lost it with her a few times...lol

Anyways, I have realized that people like this don't actually think they are better than you...deep down they feel less than (for whatever reason) and they want to try to pull you down below the level that they feel they are at. I am learning to completely ignore her negative behavior. She feeds on any static between my fiancee and me. For this reason, I even urge him not to say anything to his sister anymore when she is talking negatively about me. This disarms her and she has no "ammo." I just hope that she can one day realize she is just as important as the rest of us.

Don't sweat it...just feel sorry for people like that and hold your head up and stay laser focused on your goals. You will do great!

BTW: I had been on the alternate list for the RN program at my school and I JUST FOUND OUT TODAY THAT I'M IN THE PROGRAM!!!! :D I wish you all the best in your journey....

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You could also just laugh at her ignorance and then say "wow..I am surprised that such an ignorant comment would come out of such an educated woman....I know you didn't actually mean what you just said....lol"

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