Selfish ramblings of a nurse who doesn't make $52 million a year.

[bluebirdflyx]

Ricky Gervais joked at the Golden Globes about Jennifer Lawrence surviving on $52 million a year. He mentioned nurses, and recognized that not everyone gets that kind of paycheck. I had some thoughts this morning I wanted to share.

It's 5 a.m. and the alarm clock is blaring. Here we go again. I really hope I have coffee. I haven't been to the grocery store in five days. Oh well, my pets have food and that's all that matters. I check my purse for some cash. If I'm lucky I might get a 30 min lunch break and the cafeteria doesn't take IOU's. Three bucks, that'll do.

Nursing is a hard job. Helping others during their worst times, their darkest days, takes a toll. My patients cry and so do their families. I cry for them too but not here. Here I have too much to do; my feelings need to be compartmentalized.

A patient down the hall needs water, another needs morphine. A doctor is paging me to the desk, I've got chemotherapy running on two patients, and my 98 year old lady with dementia is trying to climb out of bed for the 3rd time this morning.

The mental exhaustion from trying to stay on task while not daring to make a mistake kicks in about six hours into my shift. Right about the time I think I might have time for a bathroom break. Nope, not now. Sometimes I get scared I'll run out of compassion. Is there a finite amount we're all issued? I'm burning through mine at a rapid rate.

Nine hours on my feet and three and a half more to go. Keep it all in perspective, I remind myself. Keep it together. They need you a little while longer.

On the way home I roll down the window to keep myself awake. I feel like I could cry now but I don't. Maybe I am jaded after all. The gas light dings, focusing my attention again. I'll have to fill up on a credit card; pay day isn't until next week.

I decline a friend's invitation to go out. I need a shower and my bed. I have to do it all again tomorrow. Perhaps I've forgotten how to socialize. I'll try again on my day off. My next day off finally rolls around and I daydream of a maid service while I scrub my toilet. Guiltily I take my dogs to the park; we could all use some fresh air. They're my equivalent of latch-key kids.

Later, as I mend a whole in my scrub pants I imagine what it would be like to have fancy clothes. A beautiful gown to wear to a party. A vacation. Vacation…it's been years since I've had one. Difficult to do living paycheck to paycheck, with two jobs and a 50k student loan debt. Someday.

I get a call from the daughter of an old woman I'm a hospice volunteer for. She wants to know if I have time to come read to her mother this week. Of course I do. I'll go when I'm finished at the clinic where I donate time helping the underserved in my community. Performing wound care on the feet of a homeless man is a humbling experience.

You see, it's important for me to give back because I have been given so much. There are people who work harder and longer hours than I do. I understand there are some who only dream of having the fortune and opportunities I've had. I am a grateful person. It's embarrassing to complain.

Still, I wonder what it would be like to have millions of dollars. I daydream of a life outside of this daily grind. The peace of mind that comes with financial security eludes me. They say money doesn't buy happiness, but I'd sure be a little cheerier if I could have a house of my own and a working dishwasher, you know?

Nevertheless, we must all play the roles we've been given. This is my life. I have been called to be a nurse. I may struggle now but I work toward a better future, just like everyone else. Mine would make an interesting story, maybe even a movie. I hope they get Jennifer Lawrence to play me. She rocks.

[Libby1987]

I spend more time thinking about how the too many people in this world who don't have the privileges and basic human rights, not to mention unable to feed their kids, that I do than a rare actor making an unrealistic amount of money.

I'd rather be the nurse comparing myself to Jennifer Lawrence than the 3rd world woman, or even the underprivileged in my own country, comparing herself to me.

Why did you choose nursing?

[Horseshoe, BSN, RN]

Still, I wonder what it would be like to have millions of dollars. I daydream of a life outside of this daily grind. The peace of mind that comes with financial security eludes me. They say money doesn't buy happiness, but I'd sure be a little cheerier if I could have a house of my own and a working dishwasher, you know?

Nevertheless, we must all play the roles we've been given. This is my life.

Well, technically speaking, you are playing the role you auditioned for. You chose.

If being a millionaire was really what you wanted, you would have made a different career choice. I know some millionaires, and they were singularly ambitious about that and carefully and methodically took the steps required to become one.

Nursing is a hard job. My DH says you would have to pay him a million dollars a year to get him to do what I do. I get it, but on the other hand, I could never do what he does.

Good luck to you. You sound like you are giving it your all.

[CryssyD]

I have an ongoing fantasy about living in a society where people are paid according to the actual worth of their contribution to the common good--in which (I think, anyway) people like nurses and teachers should be paid much, much more.

However, one of the side effects of a capitalist society is that you are paid according to what you can produce; star actors and athletes make their studios and teams loads of money, so they are paid accordingly. Nurses and teachers provide care and information, which are hard to value monetarily, and there are a lot of us, so we can't all get paid a lot because the systems we work in just don't produce enough money; they only produce health, happiness, and education, which are impossible to attach a price to (because they are, literally as well as figuratively, priceless).

So, we struggle and suffer to follow our callings--which is probably, at the end of the day, a good thing. Because people who go into jobs just for the money are probably not the best people for our jobs, anyway.

[CryssyD]

I'd rather be the nurse comparing myself to Jennifer Lawrence than the 3rd world woman, or even the underprivileged in my own country, comparing herself to me.

Have to agree. In fact, when I get depressed about my life, I think about how so many (too many) live; so much suffering in the world--my problems absolutely pale in comparison.

[xoemmylouox, ASN, RN]

There will always be someone who has it worse than you do. That doesn't mean you can't take a minute to throw yourself a pitty party. I think most of us earn the right to complain about busting our butts for the lack of respectful compensation we get in return. I have saved the life of a person. I think that requires more skill than hitting a ball with a bat, but society deems this not to be the case. So while I take the sometimes slow steps required to "earn" that better compensation, I will complain here and there, and I will also dream what life would be like to not have to worry about money. I don't need billions of dollars, really I don't even want billions of dollars. I would just like enough to not skip meals here and there so that my family doesn't go without certain things.

So OP. You can complain, but during that process - never stop trying to get yourself into a better situation. :)

[kbrn2002, ADN, RN]

Yeah, it's a little frustrating when payday was Friday and here it is Sunday and after paying all the bills, buying groceries and gassing up the car I am way closer to broke than I would like to be and already know it'll be a big stretch to get through until next payday. Forget saving money beyond what I sock away in the 401k, I barely have enough to get by check to check. I would love to consistently make it a full two weeks before I'm broke again.

[Libby1987]

Yeah, it's a little frustrating when payday was Friday and here it is Sunday and after paying all the bills, buying groceries and gassing up the car I am way closer to broke than I would like to be and already know it'll be a big stretch to get through until next payday. Forget saving money beyond what I sock away in the 401k, I barely have enough to get by check to check. I would love to consistently make it a full two weeks before I'm broke again.

I honestly don't understand this. My knee jerk reaction is that you carry a lot of debt but that would be presumptive of me.

As a single parent, I cover my daughter's COL while she's in school which in itself is close to your housing costs, on top of my own, on top of a teen boy still at home, a generous grocery budget, keeping a horse, spend too much on indulgences. We have every necessity and several luxuries (see horse). I'm not rolling in it by any means but I'm sure not broke either and I haven't had to rush to the bank to deposit a paycheck in a long time.

If I had a two income home, I'd be adding big vacations.

[NOADLS]

What I am getting from this is that I should get married to Jennifer Lawrence.

[Libby1987]

What I am getting from this is that I should get married to Jennifer Lawrence.

Back of the line buddy.

[NOADLS]

Back of the line buddy.

With a sense of entitlement like mine, I surely jump straight to the front, right?

[Libby1987]

With a sense of entitlement like mine, I surely jump straight to the front, right?

You might be able to make a little forward progress, but my sense of entitlement is firmly planted at the front of the line.