Problem with husband and nursing

Trauma Columnist · Mar 10, 2004

My husband worries about me - and I do work in the ER! However, I really like what I do and he loves me very much and wouldn't want me to do something I'm unhappy doing - so that's my $0.02. It does sound kinda to me that you have your doubts about being a nurse - can I ask why? The studying, the work? For me, it was the math. You are right that the only way you can tell is jump into school and see where it goes. good luck.

teeituptom, BSN, RN · Mar 10, 2004

Hi there. I am a student nurse and will start my clinicals in the fall. Ever since I started, I have been unsure about if I really want to be a RN or not, but I figure I will never know unless I actually get in there and do it. And I think if I can get over all my fears etc. I will actually love it. Anyways....my husband is not thrilled about the idea of me working in a hospital. He worries I'll contract some disease or be abused by patients etc. I dont think I want to work in a hospital forever, but I would like to for at least 3 years after graduation to get experience. Then I'd like to either go back to school for NP or go into somtime of patient education or something. I am not sure what to do. His worries make me even more uneasy than I was before. And I dont plan on working ER or anything. I am mostly interested in pediatrics, neotnatal, cardiac, or oncology, or even surgical (I really dont know but definatelly not ER). Anyone have any advice? I need to assure my husband I will be ok and I wont be going to the wolves every day I go to work. I need some assurance too as he makes me uneasy by worry so much.
Thanks

Hmmm you make it sound more like he is intimidated by you improving yourself. Learning independence, and also of his image of you changing thus he is throwing up reasons and possibly roadblocks to your success.

I have seen this with many student nurses and nurses over the years. Hubby is threatened by the new you.

Even my wife was worried because I would be working primarily with women whom she percieved as a threat. They werent but she thought so, but we worked it out and so can you. Hang in there for yourself and him. Once he gets used to your new income potential he will love it.

So be patient with him and as my wife says, remember he is only a man

Renee' Y-Y · Mar 10, 2004

I have been a nurse for about 18 years. I have not contracted any diseases - if anything, probably have developed a pretty good immune system. I hardly ever get sick. I've never been attacked by a patient or visitor. Have only stuck myself with a contaminated needle twice, I think...and that was way back before we had all of these needleless systems...which wouldn't have helped anyway because they were both injections. I did get the HepB vaccine series & am covered for that. These days, healthcare is the most stable job around...and the pay is not so bad either.

I know you have some concerns...you should...this profession is not without it's risks...but so are many others...but that's OK...you just have to be careful...it's a very rewarding career with many different opportunities.

prairiegirl · Mar 10, 2004

Thanks for all the advice. My husband is very addament (sp?) about the man being the provider and the woman staying at home. But he does want me to get my degree (in something) so I can work until we decide to have kids. And we both agree that when we have kids, I want to stay at home full-time at least untill they are all in school (my mom did this and I think it is the best way to go if it is possible for a family). I do have doubts about nursing, but its not the work or coursework to get there that worries me. I love anatomy and microbiology and learning. Yes it is hard, but I like challenges or else I get lazy. I mostly worry about the high stess levels (I know there are some positions that arent as stressful as others). I have a past history of not dealing well with stress, but it was mostly personal stress. I like a keep-you-busy work environment or else I get very job. Hence why I hate my secretary type part-time job now. Thanks again for all the advice.

Laura

purplemania, BSN, RN · Mar 10, 2004

At least in a hospital setting you have the knowledge & equipment handy to protect yourself and you are aware of the possibilities. Heck, you can get exposed to stuff at the grocery store and never know it. My friend's husband reacted the same way, but she stuck it out. Now HE is a nurse too!

Quicksilver · Mar 10, 2004

Thanks for all the advice. My husband is very addament (sp?) about the man being the provider and the woman staying at home. But he does want me to get my degree (in something) so I can work until we decide to have kids. And we both agree that when we have kids, I want to stay at home full-time at least untill they are all in school (my mom did this and I think it is the best way to go if it is possible for a family). I do have doubts about nursing, but its not the work or coursework to get there that worries me. I love anatomy and microbiology and learning. Yes it is hard, but I like challenges or else I get lazy. I mostly worry about the high stess levels (I know there are some positions that arent as stressful as others). I have a past history of not dealing well with stress, but it was mostly personal stress. I like a keep-you-busy work environment or else I get very job. Hence why I hate my secretary type part-time job now. Thanks again for all the advice.
Laura

Laura,

You're 19 right? The nice thing about nursing is that you can work when you want to-if you want to take off for a while when you have kids, you can always go back later. And what if you find yourself with 2-3 kids down the line and something happens to the husband? At least you will have a skill that will get you a job you can live on. I never regretted going to nursing school and neither has my husband(I had to support us a few times when his job went away) And nothing says you have to spend your entire career in the hospital, I started out working in the hospital but eventually switched to supervision and just changed jobs to become a case manager for a hospice. Nursing is a big field, some nurses work in hospitals because of the money or they just want to. But it's not the same for everyone. Some husbands have trouble with their wife going to nursing school, I had a friend whose husband kept saying "Your going to find some doctor and leave me" (She did, but not for a doctor) while she was in school. A lot of the time they change their tune by graduation and start realizing there will be more money coming in the door! Good luck!

sharann, BSN, RN · Mar 10, 2004

I recommend you pursue your education and use very reliable birth control until you are ready to stay at home full time. Good luck on your decision either way though!

hock1 · Mar 11, 2004

My husband actually thought (these are his words at the time)"are you going to get your nursing degree and leave me because I'm not a good provider anymore". Maybe your husband is a little insecure and hoping you'll pick a different profession and just trying to put doubt in your mind? Maybe not, but I wouldn't have thought so either until mine said something.

purplesdk · Mar 11, 2004

I have a question? You are 19, How old is your husband?

Yes there are risks to being a nurse, but while you are in school you have some form of safety net in that the isnstructors teach you how to take the right steps in order to keep safe. Follow the guidelines for safety and if there is a teacher that you trust and can talk to about anything, talk to them about your worries and about your husband.

This is a time for you to learn to grow and mature, both in your relationship with your husband and for your own self worth. If husband keeps nagging you about school/working, tell him about all the benefits it can bring once you start working as a nurse.

Tell him to grow up and be a man, and stop acting like a spoiled little boy!

Sounds like he is acting out his own insecurities and trying to pass them on to you. Don't permit it!!! Nursing School is stressful enough without his added s*#*. In my particular case, while I was in Nursing School, my husband was very supportive, both of my personal and vocational goals. When things started really getting hard, sometimes (not too often), I would get frustrated and say, "I can't do this!" My husband would contradict me, and tell me I could do anything I put my mind to do. He was no superhero or superhusband. He felt neglected from the lack of attention my schoolwork required. He told me often, but not cruelly or with malice. He was insecure, too. He also realized (with no prompting from me, I might add) that if I were happy, he would be happy. He helped me, when he could, with my schoolwork (especially beginning and maintaining good study habits and memory tips). I can definitely say that Nursing School would have been much harder without him. Remember, your husband is your partner (or should be). When you well in school, it reflects on him. You might help him to ask you study. Reassure him your nursing will only benefit you both, and that he's not being replaced or put aside. My case is a best-case-scenario. Prior to my schooling in Nursing, my husband had no interest in medicine (or any health-related field). I was very shortly surprised just how much information he had retained for himself by helping me study. He began to look into health-related studies and topics on his own. Side-note: THE HEALTH FIELD IS WHERE THE JOBS ARE AND WILL BE FOR AT LEAST THE NEXT FIFTY YEARS! The baby boomer generation is only getting older.

Good luck

Feel free to email me, and put me on your buddy list, for support with your schooling and your husband. My husband taught me how to grow up. He's still trying to teach me how to spell (HA HA HA).

[email protected]

mattsmom81 · Mar 11, 2004

Initially my hubby didn't want me to return to school and better myself because he worried I would leave him for a DOCTOR. These rumors about doctors and nurses fooling around at the hospital, and nurses wanting to marry docs really get around...LOL! It was years later before he finally revealed this fear to me...and by then we BOTH laughed about that idea!!

Consider shadowing a nurse or volunteering in the hospitals, etc. to see if nursing and you would be a good fit. I know it was a good career for me when kiddos were little...there are flexible scheduling options in nursing. If it fits for your life hopefully with a little TLC and reassurance your hubby will support you in furthering your education. Sounds like your hubby knows someone who is a nurse and has given him the scoop on some of the negatives, but there are definitely positives if you are a helping personality and enjoy this type of work..

Good luck to you!

SmilingBluEyes · Mar 11, 2004

In any case, you have to be able to take care of YOU------what if something were to happen to your husband (disability or heaven forbid, death) or your marriage?

Never be in a position whereby you are completely dependent on anyone else. You never, ever know when you will have to look out for your own needs. GO for IT. If he really loves you, he will respect that choice and support it, if you put it to him in those terms. You NEED to be somewhat INDEPENDENT in the world today.....no woman should depend totally on a man for her wellbeing and livlihood.