Please help me understand/Domestic Violence Question

SmilingBluEyes · Nov 23, 2005

The others before me said it well. I am just gonna relay why I stayed as long as I did.....

He threatened my life if I left....and meant it. Had a cache of guns/weapons, was a cop, and I believe if anyone could have known how to get away with it, it was this man.

When I finally did leave, he stalked me for over a year, vandalized my car and apartment and called me all hours, (even after I changed my phone number to a newer, still unlisted one---he managed to get it anyway) threatening to blow my head off w/a .44. Leaving him and the situation meant taking a huge risk w/my wellbeing, that of the friends who helped me, and my life. (he called my friends, threatening THEM too).

ANd it was humiliating, too. People assume you are stupid to ever hook up with a guy like that and it shows. The shame I felt in the ER and at the police station was horrible, even today, I remember it well........having them take pictures of the marks on my neck, face and back, well it was just beyond humiliating. I could hardly stand to go to work, knowing everyone was talking about my situation. It was so hard to even show up.

The "hand in oven" analogy just does not quite cover it, I am sorry. If you have not been there, it's hard to imagine what motivates abused partners/family members to stay. Maybe they are afraid to GO or have no where to GO TO. Even shelters are crowded, and time alloted to stay, very limited. You have to make your way, and that takes an uncommon kind of courage,some money or access to money, and lots of help from good friends or family. Thank God I had my friends or I would be heaven-knows-where today.

Blondie_Maryland528 · Nov 23, 2005

If anyone needs help, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They have counselors available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

LoriAlabamaRN · Nov 23, 2005

I was in an abusive relationship for two years when I was 20-22. I met the guy at the lowest point of my life- my college roommate/best friend had just been killed in a car crash, my parents had just filed for divorce. I felt I had nothing and when I met this guy and he flirted with me I clung to him. After three months he started beating me, but since he had been nice before, I always just KNEW he would get that way again. I was a fool. He broke my nose twice and I went back to him each time. He had convinced me that I couldn't live without him. When I finally tried to leave, he chased me in his car, hit an old man and killed him. While he was in jail (vehicular manslaughter) I moved to Alabama. Later I found out that he had written a 48 page letter to me, and then killed himself.

It took me a long time (and a lot of therapy) to understand why I would have stayed. He had convinced me I was worthless and that noone else would ever want me. He insulted and mistreated my friends and family until I didn't have them anymore. And yes, on many occasions he threatened to kill me.

If anyone is in this type of situation, PLEASE get help. There was a time in my life when I was sure I couldn't live without this man. Now I am married to the most wonderful man I have ever met, who treats me as if he cherishes me.

nurse4theplanet, RN · Nov 23, 2005

somewhere someone is reading all your stories and this may convice them to get the help they need. Thank you so much for sharing such intimate and painful memories with us all.

bethin · Nov 23, 2005

First of all I have to say that my on line persona doesn't even compare to my real time personality. Writing never has been my thing, I can never get the words from my brain to my typing fingers while conveying the same compassion I am feeling. People who have never met me in real time and only know me on line, they laugh the first time they meet me. My writing style simply does not show my real time personality. So if I come off as being a harda@@, honestly I don't mean it that way.
Domestic violence, I don't get it. I'm one of those who believe that we can never really understand and relate to a handful of scenarios unless we experience them first hand. My parents were both alcoholics, I firmly believe one cannot understand alcoholism unless one IS an alcoholic. We can certainly have empathy and even sympathy for certain problems but can we *really* honestly relate and understand unless we walk in those same shoes?
Domestic violence. This has been something that I have never been able to get a grasp on. I have worked ER, Trauma, ICU/CCU, the works. I've been a nurse for over 20 years. While I can feel empathy with these folks I still don't get it. Why in the world would a woman (or man) want to stay with an abusive spouse? Financial issues only go so far. There is welfare, Medicaid, various forms of financial help. What about children? How can someone justify allowing their children to watch abusive parents for the sake of finances? Sure, it's easy for me to talk, I have no children. I never thought I would make a fantastic parent so I never had them. That's the most important job in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD! How can someone screw it up??? Teaching children what marriage is by beating the crap out of one or the other... what kind of role model is that?
If you stick your hand on a hot stove and it hurts, DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE! If your spouse is pounding the crap out of you, DON'T LET HIM/HER DO THAT ANYMORE! Why is this such a difficult concept? Yes, I know... finances, stability, home, .... but what is worth your life? Obviously, something. How many men and women die annually because of having the ever lov'en crap beat out of them by their spouse? It isn't like it's the first time it has happened.
What makes any person believe they are loved when they are being pounded on? Obviously, this is NOT a matter of common sense but something very different. What *is* that very different thing?
There is a thread about why some nurses stay after their shift is over and a few have discussed abusive home lives. That got me to thinking about this issue again. This is something I have simply never been able to wrap my brain around and I'm hoping someone can explain it.
Is there anyone out there that has been in such a relationship and since gotten out? Can you explain this to me? Honestly, I'm not a heartless big 'ol meanie, I just don't get it, but I want to understand. On COPS recently there was a clip where a man was pounding on another man. His justification... "He ain't married to my sister and nobody who isn't married to her hits her." ??????????????????
Maybe the more important question is... is there anyone out there that is IN an abusive relationship that wants out? While you are MORE than welcome to live in my home to escape your relationship, I hope you explain to me why you have permitted this for "X" amount of time. And I sincerely mean this, if any abused medical person wants out and needs a place to stay, Arizona has open arms. More specifically, my home is yours. Just please explain to me why you stayed as long as you did.
Seriously, can someone open my eyes to this issue? I really don't get it. I'm willing to be a solution to the problem, I just want to understand the problem.

Your right, you can't understand something you haven't experienced.

I was 17 and went on ONE date with a guy. That date turned into 2 years of abuse. Since I was a minor when it started, living with my parents and going to HS it wasn't like I could relocate to avoid the guy. To this day my parents don't know about the abuse and I intend to keep it that way. It was only 8 years ago but at that time there really wasn't too many resources for abused women. As far as why women stay in an abusive relationship I think there are 2 reasons: 1) it's like any other disease, people tend to deny, deny, deny. It took me 3 years of therapy before I admitted it. 2) brainwashing (may not be the right word, but you'll get the idea). "I'll never do it again" is drilled into your head. My ex actually had be believing that my dad was an alcoholic. I believed it when he told me BUT my dad only drinks on Christmas. Also, I heard, "you're damaged goods. No one will want you after you've been with me." I also thought something like this could never happen to me. I grew up in a small town, parents still married, go to church every weekend. Stuff like this doesn't happen to "good girls".

I cannot blame my ex for everything that went south during our relationship. I became sooo depressed I started drinking and ended up graduating in the lower half of my senior class--a BIG change from where I was. I sat out my first semester of college and ended up being kicked out for bad grades because I was terrified to leave my dorm room for fear he would show up. About 2 months after the relationship ended (finally) I was diagnosed with gastritis, ulcerative colitis, PTSD, depression, GAD. It ended one night with him almost killing me. I had a sinking feeling my night wasn't going to end good. I was in the car with him, trying to break it off, when he started slamming my head against the window. The voice in my head told me to get out of the car NOW. He stopped at the city park and before the car came to a complete stop I bolted. Down the street was some guys playing b-ball and I could see the lights. I was going towards that when he tackled me. He drug me towards the water, sat on my chest and choked me until I passed out. I remember vividly what was going through my mind. "My parents are gonna identify me on a cold, metal slab." Then I said the fastest Hail Mary and then everything got fuzzy. When I came to he was next to me, ready to drag me by my hair back to his car. I ended up jumping out of a moving car and running for help. He left me alone (mostly)after that, don't know why and don't care. And no, he was never arrested. Last I heard he was trying to be a lawyer. I wish now I would have spoken up. He also did drugs (and I'm not talking weed). He didn't pay one dealer and the dealer ended up following me around, every move I made he was there. Now I had 2 guys after me. Lucky me!!

I can understand the hopelessness that these women feel. You stop caring about your life. You never, never know what you will do in a situation until you're in it. These men know how to manipulate and they prey on women who have low self esteem.

I still cannot stand to be touched and I haven't dated in 6 years. It's something you never get over and never forget. I still have nightmares. I occassionally see him and he makes eye contact but I bolt.

LoriAlabamaRN · Nov 23, 2005

I can understand the hopelessness that these women feel. You stop caring about your life. You never, never know what you will do in a situation until you're in it. These men know how to manipulate and they prey on women who have low self esteem.
I still cannot stand to be touched and I haven't dated in 6 years. It's something you never get over and never forget. I still have nightmares. I occassionally see him and he makes eye contact but I bolt.

Oh sweetie... get some therapy. Honest. I was in that kind of hell as you described it, and never thought I could get better. But I did. It's taken time, and I have now been on antidepressants for over two years, but I am so much more whole than I was and I can look back on those years with insight instead of revulsion and self-shame.

wooh, BSN, RN · Nov 23, 2005

As others have said, it's a slow process, and the monsters who do this are skilled. If he beat the crap out of you on the first date, of course you'd leave. But he doesn't. He charms you. You fall in love. Then the little barbs start, the little things that make you think you're worthless, and really lucky to have him. Then a slap here and there. That he's soooo sorry you made him do that. And when you put up with a little, it's hard to draw the line and say "2 bruises last week were ok, but 3 this week isn't." It's a downward spiral. And the further down you go, the harder it is to get out. Because at that point now are you not only worthless and nobody else will ever love you and totally to blame for everything he does, but the people you would turn to for help don't understand why you were so stupid to stay with him this long.

Where to you it's surprising women stay, for me it's surprising they ever get up enough guts to leave, especially once it gets bad.

bethin · Nov 23, 2005

Oh sweetie... get some therapy. Honest. I was in that kind of hell as you described it, and never thought I could get better. But I did. It's taken time, and I have now been on antidepressants for over two years, but I am so much more whole than I was and I can look back on those years with insight instead of revulsion and self-shame.

I've been in therapy for years--and taking meds. I'm the most stubborn, hard headed person you may ever meet. Because of that I won't allow myself to forget. I want to but sometimes I'm doing something normal and suddenly it hits me. I'm still working on it.

It's nice to talk (or read) that I'm not the only one who has gone through this. Thanks for listening.

bethin · Nov 23, 2005

The others before me said it well. I am just gonna relay why I stayed as long as I did.....
ANd it was humiliating, too. People assume you are stupid to ever hook up with a guy like that and it shows. The shame I felt in the ER and at the police station was horrible, even today, I remember it well........having them take pictures of the marks on my neck, face and back, well it was just beyond humiliating. I could hardly stand to go to work, knowing everyone was talking about my situation. It was so hard to even show up.
The "hand in oven" analogy just does not quite cover it, I am sorry. If you have not been there, it's hard to imagine what motivates abused partners/family members to stay. Maybe they are afraid to GO or have no where to GO TO. Even shelters are crowded, and time alloted to stay, very limited. You have to make your way, and that takes an uncommon kind of courage,some money or access to money, and lots of help from good friends or family. Thank God I had my friends or I would be heaven-knows-where today.

I agree, the "hand in oven" is just too simple of an analogy. You're humiliated when the abuse happens and then you're humiliated again when you go to the ER, have pics taken, etc. And then everyone feels that they have the answer to your situation. "Just leave" is usually what they say. If it was really that simple, don't you think we would have done that?

nialloh, RN · Nov 23, 2005

This sort of thing has never happened to me or anyone that I know (that I know of). But the only time I had a run in with this sort of thing was in work. I worked as hospital security while going for my RN, and had a battered woman in the ER. I was called in because she was on a bed and he was in the waiting room. The ER staff wanted to make sure she was safe. She was a nice lady. Smart, Intelligent, but in denial. Social services were trying to get her to go to a safe house, but were having a hard time even getting her to talk about the attack. He had beaten her so badly he broke her nose and both orbits. He then insisted to be allowed in. We didn't want to let him, but she gave permission. It was like watching a snake approaching a mouse. I could see and feel the threat radiating from him. She just froze, shaking. If I (a 240 lb guy) could feel that threat, what was she feeling. He took her hand and spoke sweetly. No-one in the room believed it for a second. But there was nothing we could do. She was discharged into his CARE.

I forgot about this until I read this thread. I tried to. I have never been so helpless. It is one of my worst memory's. I will try to forget again. I can't stand being unable to help. That is not to say I won't help any woman/man (men get abused too) who asks for it. But this abuse is too well hidden. Mostly by the victim themselves.

I have been coming to this site for a while now, and I recognize a lot of the posters. From your posts I know you all to be strong, very self aware women. I would never have thought of any of you being abused. From someone who thought his eyes were open, thank you for turning on the light on this subject.

To all those who posted, thank you for sharing. People need to know this is going on.

LoriAlabamaRN · Nov 23, 2005

I just want to add something here. With the amount of members on this site, statistically there are probably dozens if not hundreds who are in an abusive situation. I want to reach out to them right now. Please, please, PM me. I know that you probably won't want to post your situation here, and I will keep your anonymity. I won't beat you up over it either or force you to do anything you aren't ready to do. But I will listen, and I will care. Don't go through this alone.

Lori

SmilingBluEyes · Nov 23, 2005

I've been in therapy for years--and taking meds. I'm the most stubborn, hard headed person you may ever meet. Because of that I won't allow myself to forget. I want to but sometimes I'm doing something normal and suddenly it hits me. I'm still working on it.
It's nice to talk (or read) that I'm not the only one who has gone through this. Thanks for listening.

You are NOT alone. It has taken me years of therapy to help me figure out why I got myself in to such situations and how to get better. It started with horrendous abuse at the hands of my parents. I grew up believing I was worth less than nothing, so I settled for the first guy who paid me attention and treated me well (at first). When Mr. Right turned into Mr. Rotten, I was already hooked, and living with him. I found myself in a very dangerous situation I did not see coming. It's not stupidity, but low self-esteem that gets us there. That is what I have been working on for YEARS-----

Finding the right therapist helped me so much. I had been through so many and it's not easy to get the right match for yourself. Because of this, I have made huge strides in just 18 months.....I am so much better. Even my husband and friends are noticing the difference.

I wish you the same, wellness and happiness----finding the right person to help you is so worth every penny and hour spent working on issues that plague your every day of life. I wish you well----my heart goes out to you. You deserve the best life has to offer.

deb