Once upon a time ... thoughts of a stressed out nurse.
Once upon a time in a land and time far far away. A fellow classmate, maybe in his 40's used to tell me to prepare for my 20's. He said it would be a time of questioning myself constantly and figuring myself out. I laughed at him inside my mind. Rolling my eyes inside my mind... yet wondering what the heck he meant by that.
At this time, I was about 20 years old diving into the world of my 20's. I thought I had the world figured out, I had my plans in order.
From 2012-2014 I continued my high achieving habits from high school into the nursing school
arena. Excelling in every class, participating in every extracurricular, and serving as a student nurse mentor to freshman students, I as a senior student nurse.
Fast forward and the year is 2014. I'm a surgical ward RN at a large teaching hospital. I grow tremendously as a nurse, I think back to my plans of becoming a CRNA and decide it's time to get into the ICU and so I do a in-system transfer around Winter of 2015-Early 2016.
It is now winter 2017. How time flies. And as I type this I can't help but to think how LOST I am. I am currently enrolled on a full-ride roller coaster with CRNA as my destination. Signed up for chemistry II, Honors Biology, and Statistical Analysis. Applied to start my RN-BSN in 2018 Fall and that program is fast paced and ends Spring 2019.
By then I have planned to have my BSN, CCRN, and 3 years of ICU experience with about 1.5 years of surgical ward experience.
But here I sit lost, desperately lost. Everyday I am despising the ICU more and more. It is becoming unbearable. It does not bring the excitement it once brought. With increased experience I've become increasingly fatigued with the ICU. And I hear, "it's worth the wait for CRNA school". But is it??? But is it??? And if I'm not willing to wait then perhaps I truly don't want to become a CRNA bad enough?
I am reaching this point in my life (25 years old) where I feel like I'm hitting crisis mode. I'm in need of answers to my own questions (not expecting to find them here, just venting).
Whay do I REALLY wanna do with my life?
What does CardiacDork really want from life? Forget the money, the success, the title, the benefits, the perks, this or that.
I am getting to the point where I am asking myself, "man what's gonna make YOU happy? Forget everyone else!"
I have been torn between NP and CRNA. Most of my reasons for CRNA attributes to the market/value reasons. Yes, I have a tremendous thirst for knowledge and I feel that CRNA school can provide that. But do I want to REALLY want to pursue this career? Is that a good reason to pursue this career? Truthfully I can become an incredibly knowledgeable NP, and be of much more use to patients being in a position I WANT to be in.
Perhaps, just maybe if I do something I truly love then I can find true success there. Internal peace and a sense of achievement.
Truth be told I do see myself in that role of an NP or a nursing profesor... I know wild!
I've always had a thing for teaching others. I remember in school how much I loved explaining topics to my classmates and underclass students. Holding tutoring sessions, I don't know why but that so fulfilling.
What does fulfill me from my current position as an ICU Nurse? Educating my patients when they're awake. I love educating and explaining. Translating what may seem dull or difficult into exciting and easy.
My close friend even commented on this when I was excitedly explaining electron/photon emission and the spectrum of colors produced by elements. They made a comment about how excited I get when I teach something.
I don't want to wait until I'm 35 to realize I'm doing something I can't stand.
I think often of how much I would enjoy being an NP, promoting wellness and health and maybe teaching nursing on the side of having tutoring services.
This is MY life and I need to go out after the things I want. I only have THiS life to live. The money will come. The money will follow, I truthfully believe that all the money in the world isn't worth a dime if I'm unhappy.
-CardiacDork ASN, RN
Nov 23, '17
Glad I could help. Please forgive my typing mistakes. I've been typing on my phone, in bed, and without my contacts. Not an easy task.
My schooling was a bit heavy on the psychology simply because I loved it. I chose nursing instead of counseling because I'd be rotten at it. In my grandfathers only partially joking words "You'd get a suicidal patient in and say. 'You failure. You tried three times and still haven't succeeded?'" I really wouldn't but eventually my mouth would get me in trouble. It usually does. That's why ER is so great for me. I never have the same annoying patient two shifts in a row. I can bite back my words around anyone for 12 hours.
PS. In some ways your instructor was likely right. Have you ever seen the damage strong winds do to trees? Older hardwood trees often break, but younger, more flexible trees just bend in the high winds. (I couldn't resist adding a metaphor)
Last edit by Cat365 on Nov 23, '17