My Mom just passed..... - page 3

My mom was Dx with a very large adrenal tumor last June (5x7in), found out in July it was malignant (stage IV) and had metastasized to her lung. Then in August it was decided that she would go on... Read More

  1. by   dudette10
    Everyone deals with grief differently. I think you feel as if you're not dealing with the passing of your mother, but you ARE grieving! Your grief, I think, is taking the form of guilt over not having contact with your mother over the past few months, and you are re-interpreting it to mean you AREN'T grieving. Not true. You are NOT heartless, otherwise you would have never written what you wrote.

    All grief--no matter the form--is valid and necessary. Don't demean yourself over the combination of circumstances that led to your grief--and it *is* grief.

    Best wishes to you as you heal.
  2. by   leslie :-D
    Quote from TwilightRNurse
    How could she help not grieving after losing her Mom?
    of course she'll be 'grieving'...
    all i meant is angel needn't worry about taking time out to 'properly' grieve.
    when trauma strikes us, we have built-in mechanisms that allow us to carry out necessary work.
    so while angel may be experiencing a variety of emotions, she may also be numb...
    and the grieving aspect, will indeed, catch up with her sooner or later.

    but for now, and if able, she can keep her mom close to her while 'they' trudge through the nsg together.
    yes, i know how hokey-pokey that may sound, but as someone who is extremely spiritual, i have seen this happen quite often...
    that they felt their deceased loved ones, with them as they traipsed along.

  3. by   P_RN
    Oh Angel, I wish I could have Mama back, but only the last 4 or 5 years of her life after she developed dementia. Our numbers are legion in the Nursing profession. I too had a dysfunctional family, Mama more than Daddy. She enabled him and he enabled her. As a result all 3 of their daughters are in caring mode-Nurse, teacher, social worker. And we are all on SSRIs trying to break the mold as it were.

    I grieved Mama the most, I believe, because she finally became a loving mother in her last days-she was 90 when she passed. Just pneumonia......nothing cancerous or metabolic, mainly old age. Fortunately my husband came from a normal milleu, loving dad, mom, sisters, cousins and I have had a "real" family through him. Of course he is bull headed, stubborn, but then he's a MAN.

    Angel you have full permission to grieve but not to dwell on the bad parts. Just remember that no matter what, you did love your Mama, but don't take on her problems, just recall any happy times and love those.

    Hugs from me to you.
  4. by   SuesquatchRN
    She knows you loved her, Angel. Be sure of that.

  5. by   pennyaline
    "My heart is breaking, but I just have to keep shutting it off for right now. It is just not safe to grieve."

    I'm not certain what you mean by this, but as devastating as the grief reaction can be, it is most assuredly safe to grieve. You can work and grieve, and be a student and grieve, and be a parent and grieve. It is not safe to not grieve, and it is unwise to keep shutting it off. Grief takes a long time and it becomes integrated with the routine of life. Your grief will touch everything. You can't avoid it so make a friend of it. You will remain functional and you will adapt, adjust and move on exactly when you're supposed to.