I can't handle it when kittens die...how can I be a nurse?

[cherubhipster]

I finished my first year in a two year RN program.

During my summer off, I decided I would take the time to foster some kittens. I ended up with four newborn babies, found on somebody's door step.

I've been nursing them around the clock for the past week. Two days ago the smallest, weakest one died. Then, today I was in the animal hospital again with a second fading kitten. On my way out of the door to the hospital, frantic with my three remaining kittens and fumbling with the screen, one of my babies lept out of the box and fell. Now, this kitten is brain damaged and will most likely need to be put to sleep. The doctor/vet said it is likely that the litter contracted a virus in utero, and that what they had was either already set, or contagious. She said that most likely the last remaining kittens would pass shortly.

I've been crying and miserable. On top of the stress of loosing these little creatures that have been so dear to me, I am afraid of how this reflects on me as a nurse. Not in the sense that i failed in my care for them because they are sick- I understand that this is beyond control. I am more afraid of how my reaction to all of this reflects on me as a nurse. I am going to pieces over kittens... if I work in a NICU, how could I possibly handle loosing a patient? (I have been considering this for my career). How can I handle loosing a human of any age, for that matter?

Could anybody reflect on this for me? I am having a problem getting outside of my own head at the moment.

thank you and much love..

[PAERRN20]

I can't stand to see animals die either. This is how I feel: animals, especially kittens, are innocent, sweet, and somewhat helpless. On the other hand I can relate to people. We understand our own mortality and that is the inevitable outcome of all humans. Obviously I still grieve when a person dies, but somehow it is different. If the death has been long coming it can bring relief. That's the way I look at it. I haven't experienced the death of an infant or child but I know I would be deeply saddened by it.

[cherubhipster]

Thank you again. I just wanted to let everyone know that this post really helped me regain my confidence in my ability to be a good nurse. Even working in pediatrics, or NICU, your words help me to realize that just because my heart hurts over these little kittens does not mean I am not fit to handle human children or babies, and that it is normal and ok and even good to care for the pts so much..

There were four kittens total, and I have lost three. However, I have the one left. The last kitten passed away over a week ago. My still thriving kitten is now 3 weeks and 2 days old, and seems to be doing quite well. I know he isn't out of the woods yet, but if he would have gotten the virus that the others had, it probably would have happened by now.

Thank you so much. My kitten thanks you too!

[diane227, LPN, RN]

In death, the pain and suffering are over and for me it is like a new beginning. It is not the death that is painful for me to see. It is suffering. I see people suffer from long painful illnesses that are terminal like the young diabetic, who is blind, on dialysis three days a week, amputated limbs, cannot walk or care for himself, constant pain or the 100 year old lady with end stage dementia who has had multiple strokes, contracted, cannot care for herself, has a feeding tube still a full code because the family wants us to do "everything" to keep her alive. To me, that suffering is far worse than death. Death is peace. Death is a departure from the hell here on earth. So death comes, leaving peace and comfort in it's wake.

[Scrubby]

I know this is going to probably sound politically incorrect but I can handle the suffering of humans much easier than watching animals suffer.

I'm glad one of the kittens is still alive and seems to be thriving. Please keep updating.

[Moogie]

I'm the same way. I tend to fall apart when an animal dies. I can deal much better with human death, even infants.

Shore yourself up with your own solid spiritual beliefs, whatever they may be. That will help you deal with the tougher times.

This is sound advice. It was certainly helpful for me to grow spiritually to the point at which I could revere death as a sacred process. I still prefer birth to death but I am far more able to deal with death better now than when I was a very young, inexperienced nurse.