I have had to fly out of state because my mother has now been placed in hospice after a 5 year battle with IBC. I had to withdraw from this semester of nursing school
; but, I had promised my mother I would be with her when she died. It is very hard to detach myself from her care and "just be her daughter."
What has made this especially difficult is that she was in very poor shape (acute renal failure) in the ICU with tubes everywhere, systemic MRSA, endocarditis, an extraction rate of 20%, and she had to be intubated after respiratory arrest. Four docs told us the best place for her would be in hospice due to the need for pain control and her inability to ever have chemo again. We agreed because she had told the family she was "tired of fighting" and she had not been eating or drinking substantial amounts (which led to her admittance dx of acute renal failure). The intensivists weaned her off the respirator, removed IV fluids & vasopressors, and we brought her here (hospice) by ambulance.
I contacted her church and funeral home, etc, and had accepted what was to come. Then, the hospice doctor met with my family and basically indicated that her vital signs were good (WNL and better than they were in ICU) and maybe she should not be here. :uhoh21:
Well, she has only been here 3 days. I guess I kind of felt like he was saying she's not dying fast enough. I don't know. But, after making such an agonizing decision about even bringing her here, that seed of doubt regarding our decision has now been planted and I'm a wreck. Am I killing my mother? Could she really recover? At this point, her ability to swallow is gone and she is on pain meds only - no IV fluids or NG tubes. She is on oxygen. For the past few weeks, she'd complained constantly of (L) arm pain and edema and she became very confused.
Here's the clincher: The hospice doc would "feel more comfortable" if he had medical proof of mets. There is none. Her oncologist just moved and the doc that took his place had not seen her yet when the renal failure occurred; however, she has battled two recurrances and mets to the lungs.
I just don't know what to do anymore. The nurses here are very supportive of our decision, but the doc doesn't seem to be on the same page as us. Frankly, I'm just worn out with the whole thing. I love her so much and the most satisfaction I got is when they moved her here and she became comfortable. She has only had breakthrough pain once and my father doesn't want her moved again. If anyone has any comments, they would be most helpful.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.