Families from Hell

[traumamomtx30]

I know that when people are in the hospital everyone is stressed out including the families; but man I can't stand when the families do all the talking for the patient, jump down my throat like a poor waitress that just brought them an undercooked steak, and question me like I was on trial for everything that has happened during the hospital stay for the past 2 weeks when it is my first day I've even laying eyes on the patient. This happened yesterday and I did what I always do: talk directly to the patient, answer the family with very short but firm answers and then redirect the conversation/questions back to the patient, let the charge/supervisor know the family is out of control (although I found out that all staff/physicians avoid the room at all costs). At the end of the shift the patient thanked me told me I was very attentive and even the family. Hate to say it but it didn't make me feel any better. I would have done everything I did do with out being bullied.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

if they are acting out because they are stressed it's still not acceptable. understandable yes, but acceptable no. either way it still needs to be dealt with.

those who are acting out because they are truly rude mean people are probably in the minority, but there are those who think that's how they get what they want in life. they need redirection.

but those who are just at the end of their rope and still are mean and exhibiting bad behavior need redirection as well....with compassion and understanding on our part of course:).

you are definatley right that it's can be delicate.

you are absolutely right, tweety. acting out is just not acceptable. whatever the cause, it's not acceptable.

[jbp0529]

I'm afraid I don't understand your 'rules'. His wife is his next of kin. I am assuming that when he was admitted, he was able to indicate this and authorize her to receive information, so I don't understand your providing her with the answers to her questions, rather then directing her back to her husband and/or his physicians. When I spent twenty-one days in ICU, back in July of 2006, I never talked to my daughter on the phone. And she had no problem getting updates from the staff taking care of me.

And I'm sorry but I am happy you were not my nurse. Your own attitude just very clearly demonstrates the lack of understanding in today's nurses, for the most part. It makes no difference that she was a physician herself, she was a member of his immediate family. And she was apparently suffering, as demonstrated by her attempts to take control of your actions. Instead of the yada, yada yada, perhaps a little understanding, on your part, would have gone a long way.

Woody:balloons:

First off, let me clarify a little. The pt's wife that i described started out our conversation by getting upset and yelling at me (before I even told her ANYTHING). Apparently the day shift RN had similar issues with her temper. I remained polite throughout the entire thing. I updated her on everything EXCEPT for one test result ( a CT scan). That is when I told her the doctor would have to explain in the morning. I feel it is not within my scope to explain something like that. If there is a problem on the CT, the doctor is the one to lay out treatments and options, not me.

Second, the patient was more that capable of talking on the phone himself. He was certainly able to tell her how his day went, how he was feeling, etc. Therefore after 1 or 2 phone convo's with the wife, the other ones I deferred to the patient himself. I figured he would enjoy speaking to his wife more than I would, considering the bug she had up her rear end.

Third, please don't judge my what you think is my attitude, nursing abilities, and what you call "lack of understanding". This is a vent thread. Isn't it supposed to be a safe place to unload feelings/thoughts?

[Elvish, BSN, DNP, RN, NP]

Friendly moderator note:

This is a subject that we have all no doubt dealt with on one level or another, either as patients or as nurses (or both), or we'd not be posting here.

Please, let's discuss the ideas themselves, and not attack each other.

[woody62, RN]

So it is all our fault? Either we are not addressing the psycho/social needs of the patient and their S.O.'s, treating them as enemies and dismissing their worries or we are getting what we deserve for not just walking? interesting view on nurses and nursing today.Seems no matter what we do we are screwed...

IMHO anyone who is abused, remains with their abuser and does nothing to escape from their abuse, be it physical or emotional, generally is getting what they ask for, more abuse. I know that a woman, who is physically or emotionally abused, has a difficult time escaping from their abuser. And employee, who is abused and their employer allows them to be abused, is in a somewhat different position. The employee is not tied to their employer, such as is a spouse, they are free to hand in their resignation and depart.

I was put in such a position, by an employer. I was not supported by either the DON or the administration. They appeared more concerned about their public image then their staff and patients well being. It took me only six months of such abuse til I handed in my resignation. But my abuse was not from the patients or their families. It was from the day shift and attending physicians.

And I have been verbally abused by patients and their families. I could respond in kind but that rarely solves the problem, it just makes it worse. I have taken the time to figure out, with the patient, what they truly need or what they are truly afraid of. And when there were too many visitors, for one patient, they were asked to leave, being told the patient need to rest. And generally the patient did need to rest and was gratefuly for me asking their numerous family memebers to go home.

One can complain until the cows come home. But all that accomplishes is to let off steam. And they have to go back into the same situation their next shift. Or they can work on what is causing the problems. And if it is their administration, anyone who remains, in face of such hostile abuse and nonsupport, is getting what they have all ready told the administarion they are willing to accept, more abuse.

Woody:balloons:

[Tweety, BSN, RN]

Most of what I have to deal with on a daily basis with families if not abusive. I just sometimes need to vent and get it off my chest and realize that battling with families isn't something I want to spend a lot of my energy on. Just let me complain and move on with my life. I don't need a solution to my problem at the moment I just need to vent. The best response someone can give me is silence, or a nodding of the head in understanding.

No need for management involvent, no no lectures on how to deal with them, I'm just having a moment in time where I need to vent and complain to someone who knows what I'm going through.

It doesn't mean I'm not understanding of the families concerns, or trying to help them through the crisis of having a loved one hospitalized.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

one can complain until the cows come home. but all that accomplishes is to let off steam.

woody:balloons:

and sometimes all we need to do is let off steam. hence the "vent" thread. it's for venting.

[woody62, RN]

I do find it wasted energy to continue to complain about how bad things are at work. And to do nothing about making a change. And I find it strange for an adult person to allow themselves to be abused by their employer, in terms of having to take what a patient or family dishes out and remaining at such a job. No amount of money could ever temp me to remain in a position where I was verbally abused and failed to receive support from my facility's administration. There are plenty of other places to work.

Woody:balloons:

[Tweety, BSN, RN]

I do find it wasted energy to continue to complain about how bad things are at work. And to do nothing about making a change. And I find it strange for an adult person to allow themselves to be abused by their employer, in terms of having to take what a patient or family dishes out and remaining at such a job. No amount of money could ever temp me to remain in a position where I was verbally abused and failed to receive support from my facility's administration. There are plenty of other places to work.

Woody:balloons:

I confess to being a little frustrated with this thread Woody because weren't you also encouring us to be compassionate and understanding and getting to the root of the family's problems and be a little understanding?

I think if family members are "abusive" and don't respond to intervention and management is asking us to take it then it's time to find another job.

I work with a clientele of patients and family that have a lot of dysfunction and are at times verbally profane in expressing their needs. So if I get cursed out, I take several approaches, but running to management and quitting my job is last on the list. Most of the time I can ignore it and vent about it and move on. But I personally don't consider this "abuse". I'll know when I'm abused and trust me, I won't take it.

To me it's a no brainer to leave a sitatuion where I'm being abused.

[locolorenzo22, BSN, RN]

OK, NOT so nice/friendly long time poster advice....

To both of you...continue the discussion in PMs or it's own seperate thread...we all see where each one of you is coming from...and I personally respect each of your own viewpoints...but to continue a private argument on a public forum(and a VENT one at that), is silly and immature. We come here to vent, put our thoughts out there for 5 minutes so we don't direct them at the people in our own lives, and have to observe this back and forth arguement between you both....I no longer know the subject of this thread..and request admin to tactfully close said thread...please, for all our sakes.

[MrsCannibal]

When I first started nursing school, I proudly proclaimed to everybody I was going to be a nurse.

The other day, I watched as a large group of people thundered up the hall with a purpose, surrounding me to ask if I was Mr ___'s nurse...

I froze, I swear I froze!

My mind raced as I tried to think of a response--- IT... No, I was wearing scrubs. Damn. Housekeeping! No, I was holding a chart. Damn again. I started to twitch. Trapped!

*wince*

Yes, I'm his nurse.

It was not pretty.

Hysterical! (I mean, you poor, poor thing...)

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

ok, not so nice/friendly long time poster advice....

to both of you...continue the discussion in pms or it's own seperate thread...we all see where each one of you is coming from...and i personally respect each of your own viewpoints...but to continue a private argument on a public forum(and a vent one at that), is silly and immature. we come here to vent, put our thoughts out there for 5 minutes so we don't direct them at the people in our own lives, and have to observe this back and forth arguement between you both....i no longer know the subject of this thread..and request admin to tactfully close said thread...please, for all our sakes.

i'm not sure which two posters you're referring to. but this is a vent thread, and it's useful for venting. it's also pretty funny at times, and i'd hate to see it closed just because you don't wish to read it anymore. please, exercise your right to ignore it.

i had a new request yesterday. patient asked me to help his mother change her depends. i had two icu patients, one of them intubated, on a balloon pump and having runs of ventricular tachycardia. i couldn't leave the unit to go to the visitor's bathroom and help this woman with her toileting even had i wanted to. (which i didn't.) patient's wife was at bedside, and had brought her mother-in-law in to visit. i suggested she help out.

"oh," said the patient. "she doesn't like to do that."

like i have time to toilet the visitors as well as the patients! it's my favorite part of the job.

mil was a sweetheart and thanked me later for standing my ground!

[janettalinda]

I'm amazed to see yet another duty added to the nurses list of duties. Now we are expected to change Depends for our pt's visitors! You're right, Ruby, this thread is sometimes very funny. Anyone who doesn't like it, should go to another thread. I'm still laughing about the Depends story.