Do any fem. nurses here have Stay at Home husbands/SOs ? - page 2
I know, i ask tons of questions - but i can't help it. I want to know. Do any of you have husbands who are staying at home looking after children and u are the breadwinner? I'm 27, my son is... Read More
May 31, '02I don't see a problem with a man being a stay at home dad and the woman being the breadwinner, if that's what both parties are agreeable to.
See, I have potential to bring home more money than my hubby. But he knows darn well that he's no good at Halloween parades, passing out Valentines, PTA meetings, teacher's appreciation week, helping in the lunchroom, chaperoning field trips, etc. So for now, he's the full timer and I'm the part timer.
BUT, I don't think out of school it will be possible to match his salary. I would check the salaries in your area.
Whatever you do, good luck!
May 31, '02Food for thought: Keep in mind that if you divorce, your stay-at-home dad can collect alimony from you IF you've been married ten years or longer, and child support payments as well as full custody of the kids since he's been the 'majority' parent for the children all that time. Many things sound good, and work out well when it feels good, but think of the long term downside of switching roles with the hubby.
May 31, '02cheerfuldoer, you are right on. Sorry, but I see this equal opportunity as a down fall to motherhood.
To all you who have such strong opinions about this situation being ok when you have never tried it....I don't think you are qualified to answer Anagrays question. It's like not having kids but having strong opinions about how kids should be raised. If you've never been there, you really have no idea. I'm ducking now.Last edit by Huganurse on Jun 30, '02
May 31, '02Debbie-
How is it working the night shift?? I'm finishing up the LPN program and doing my clinicals at Good Sam right now.....I'm considering working nights while my DH works days..(air force too)
Can you reccommend some good places for me to apply??
May 31, '02Originally posted by Huganurse
cheerfuldoer, you are right on. When my hubby stayed home and I worked as I mentioned before, our marraige did suffer... It was always my fear that we'd end up divorced, with him winning custody of the kids, after all he was the primary caregiver to the children, and me paying him child support and alimony. Sorry, but I see this equal opportunity as a down fall to motherhood.
To all you who have such strong opinions about this situation being ok when you have never tried it....I don't think you are qualified to answer Anagrays question. It's like not having kids but having strong opinions about how kids should be raised. If you've never been there, you really have no idea. I'm ducking now.
I personally know of some cases where this situation has happened. Women tend not to pay attention to these matters UNTIL we are actually faced with them because we don't think our sweet spouses can turn on us this way, but when he's ready to 'walk' away from the marriage, it's strange how his wallet becomes his first love instead of you, and my spouse tried to take me for all I was worth even though he was worth far more. And, I stayed home the majority of our marriage to raise the kiddies. What a bunch of crock!
If women want to work in a man's world, we need to equip ourselves with the 'rules of their game' to protect our ASSETS (ASS - ETS) IF divorce does become a reality. No one expects these things to happen, especially when all is going well in the marriage - or seems to be going well in the eyes of the woman anyway. Women need to educate themselves on the pros AND cons of having their spouses become the 'stay at home parent'. Courts already rule loud and clear that it is still very much 'a man's world'. Why do you think they enacted the NO FAULT DIVORCE LAW in the majority states here in America? It was to prevent women from going after their spouses for adultery because they knew they were going to continue doing 'what a man's gotta do' that way. It was NOT enacted to make divorce go smoother all the way around as that law would have us to believe.
I'm presenting this side of the situation so women who haven't THUNK about this side before or the problems that could be presented down the way will think about it before making that decision to trade places with a HEALTHY man - REGARDLESS of his age. I apologize to the male readers here who are wonderful spouses and fathers to their families - hats off to you all, but this side of marriage has become far too much of a reality over the years to sooooooo many women and their children. THINK IT THROUGH, Moms!Last edit by live4today on May 31, '02
May 31, '02My situation is similar to disher's. My husband (a podiatrist) had a rare allergic reaction to an antibiotic which caused him to lose his vision--his corneas were "burned out" of his eyes. Stevens-Johnsons syndrome...and it only occurs in 7 people out of one million. Multiple cornea transplants didn't work...long story....
Anyways, we sold his practice and I knew I'd have to work full time. I let him mope and feel sorry for himself for about a year. Then, I laid down the law!!
That was 7 years ago, and now things are great!! We have both adjusted to our new roles. Although he doesn't clean or do laundry as well as I did (he can't see for gosh sakes!), he is the barbecue GURU, and he is able to do many things around the house.
It has also been nice for our sons to have Dad around all the time while growing up.
Like they say, if you got together with a bunch of friends and everyone put their problems out on the table; you'd be glad to take your own problems back!!
May 31, '02despite not having children I am capable of having an opinion on the subject. Everyones ideas of child rearing and family are different and based on their own lives experiences.does it change when you have kids, of course it does, but I think the roots of your feelings on the topic dont change.
one isnt better than the other they are just different.
the original question asked was if she could realistically focus on her career while her spouse stayed at home, she asked for opinions, which we can all offer.
Like I said, I dont have kids,not a mother, but I am from a home that had a stay at home mom who had to get a less than awesome job when her husband left her to support their child (me) , they went through a divorce, and being at home with me as a kid didnt benefit her at all financially, sure she got alimony and child support , but nowhere near the amount it should have/could have been....
she herself years later often wonders what it would have been like if she was working all along
maybe it would have been better, maybe not, it comes down to each individual relationship.
You speak from your experiences, just as someone who supports the other side of the arguement speaks from theirs
ultimately the choice is up to you anagray
and whatever the choice is, I hope it works for you
good luck with your career, family and all......
May 31, '02Cheerfuldoer gets a big AMEN from me. I got my first inclination that it was time to kick homie to the curb when he "sat down and figured out that it would be more cost efficient for him to be a stay at home Dad to save on daycare expenses and for you [me] to work as the primary breadwinner." I said, you must be smoking crack. From then on, I noticed I had to hit the ball and drag his azz around the bases. My Dad - super traditional guy that he is and that I am used to, said homie is a user, no man, real man, would do that. Granted, this is a traditional view. Yes, there are men out there who take on the stay at home role without any apparent problems, but for many of us, NO CAN DO.
Oh, and yes, homie tried to get alimony from ME. NOT!!! But, that's another story....... Get a good lawyer when you make the higher salary.......:stone
May 31, '02A few questions? Why would a 45 year old man with a 3 year old son and the future possibility of more children want to quit working because he is tired of it and have his 27 year old wife be the bread winner?? In 2 years your son will be in school and if there are no more children what will he do then with his time?? If he has health problems I could see a change in your roles...but why step into it if it isn't required???
May 31, '02WOW. So what some of you are saying is that because a PERSON happens to have a different set of dangly bits from you, that means they must be YOUR breadwinner? And why, if you are "perfectly healthy," shouldn't you be held to the same standards as your partner? Just my opinion, but that kind of thinking is the reason why I need to be able to do 150% better than my male counterparts in most of my endeavors to be recognized as an intellectual equal. By saying what some of you have said, you are handing men a sense of entitlement on a silver platter, and therefore can't place all of the blame of misogyny on men. If you cater to the idea that a man should be your breadwinner, you should be ready for expectations on you that you don't find entirely fair. As for the "mother being the most important role" bit, tell me then...do you all secretly feel "sorry" for those of us who don't have children (and don't plan on it....ever) because we will never achieve anything "important" in life? And would you feel just as sorry for a man without children who had achieved much outside of that sphere? (It's not a rare achievement to get pregnant, although it may be a rare thing being a good parent. So bully for you, but some of us are very good at other things that can be just as important to you and your children's future.) If my SO tells me tomorrow that he is The Man and therefore must support me financially for the rest of my days I will laugh in his f&*%$ing face as I get into the car that I paid for, to go to the job that I worked my butt off to get, and when I get home I will sleep much more soundly knowing that I am the only one responsible for me and for the things that I want to achieve in my life.
May 31, '02Originally posted by indeed
As for the "mother being the most important role" bit, tell me then...do you all secretly feel "sorry" for those of us who don't have children (and don't plan on it....ever) because we will never achieve anything "important" in life? And would you feel just as sorry for a man without children who had achieved much outside of that sphere? (It's not a rare achievement to get pregnant, although it may be a rare thing being a good parent. So bully for you, but some of us are very good at other things that can be just as important to you and your children's future.)
I do believe the "mother being the most important role" was meant IN CONTEXT as mother being the most important role in a CHILD's life.
May 31, '02"Society couldn't pay a salary high enough to a mother to compensate her for all she sacrifices for her children, not to mention those sacrifices she makes as a wife. "
That's where I was getting that from. I don't agree. Yes, a mother is important, OBVIOUSLY. I am not arguing that. What I am arguing is the idea that it should be recognized as THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, therefore making the argument that a man should be the breadwinner. If that were not the case, there would be no argument. That was all I was getting at there. Sorry it took up such a large segment of my post...my thoughts ran away with me their (yay stream of consciousness ). But the point still stands.
May 31, '02A friend of mine did this right when she graduated from school. Her husband, who was a great daddy- much much more patient and relaxed than she is, took care of her two kids while she worked...after about a year, he got very bored despite being a neat freak and a fairly decent cook, and went back to work and the kids go to day care. The key may be flexibility. When it was working for my pal, it worked great, when it quit working they did something different... but, I don't think whether a person is working defines him or her as a man....and a know at least three families that are completely motherless (death, divorce, etc) and they seem to be doing very well, my Dad was alot more important to me when I was gowing up with my stay at home Mom, go figure.