any comment? - page 3

Hello, I have finally decided to join this forum for maybe somebody somewhere is in the same situation I am in right now, and maybe that very person could advise me on what I can possibly do. I have... Read More

  1. by   Jolie
    Have you considered LTC? Most facilities are desperately in need of dedicated RNs. Perhaps you would find a LTC facility that would be willing to be flexible about orientation.
  2. by   unwanted RN
    Hello Jolie, I did think about trying long term care, but kind of forgot about it. I think it is a wonderful idea , I will try it. Thank you
  3. by   kate1114
    IMHO, this sounds like a bit of an abusive situation, since your husband is effectively controlling your environment. If he controls your ability to work, then he also controls your ability to care for yourself and your children.

    I have a somewhat supportive (but lazy) husband, but I am the full income-earner in the family at this time (family of 5). It has been eye-opening and empowering to see that I can make the family work by myself (he is in school and thankfully the end is in sight!) at least when it comes to finances. I still struggle with getting help around the house, but at least he helps with the kids.

    Have you thought about trying to find an 11-7 position? That way you could put the kids to bed, work while they're asleep, and get home in time to take the kids to school. Yes, it's far from ideal, but if you could do this for a year then you could do just about anything else.

    Also, look into some sort of carpool situation. Are they in private school? If not, are there buses? There's a lot of ways to work around this situation, but I get the impression that the logistics (how and when to manage the kids' activities) aren't really the problem as much as the fact that your husband really doesn't want you working. Good luck!
    Last edit by kate1114 on Feb 16, '07 : Reason: clarification
  4. by   TazziRN
    It's more than "a bit of an abusive situation", it IS an abusive one. I wondered why you chose the name "unwanted nurse".....you feel unwanted anywhere, don't you? You don't deserve this, and your "husband" doesn't deserve you. I may be stepping out of bounds here but the best thing you could do for yourself and your children is leave. He doesn't want a wife or children, he wants a woman to be there at his beck and call. You are worth more than that.
  5. by   climberrn
    At first, I was irritated with the posters who said, in essence, "drop the loser" because I didn't think her original post warranted that response. But your second post speaks volumes. You ARE being abused, emotionally, for sure. You are worthy, some hospital does want you, no question about it and while it's scary as hell, you have a great degree that can enable you to survive, even thrive on your own with your children, WITHOUT someone who belittles you, makes you feel small. Best of luck to you.
  6. by   gr8rnpjt
    Quote from unwanted RN
    my children, who mean the world to me, can get everything they need for success. I just have to weather the storm and hope for the best.
    Unwanted RN,
    I been where you are now. When you end up getting out, you realize how nice it is to be free from the tyrant running your life. You are a lot stronger than you think, but you will only realize this when you get out and stand on your own 2 feet. If he is hurting you physically and emotionally, is he doing the same to the kids? If he is then you owe it to the kids to provide them with the best life possible, and that may be away from their father. There are laws that protect women and children from abusive men, and a good lawyer can tell you that at least half the money that he has can be yours. you are in a lot better position than I am because my soon to be ex husband was a tyrant without money. I have nothing to go after him for, because he has nothing. But I keep my son safe and away from him because that is my priority is keeping my son safe. Just some food for thought. You would be surprised how good it feels to be free!
  7. by   caroladybelle
    Several points:

    - Your husband definitely has problems. He is trying to dominate you and you are putting up with it. This is setting a very bad example for your children, whether they are male or female. Do you want to be responsible for them perpetuating what they grew up with, as adults.

    - Frequently abusive (and your spouse is being abusive) spouses are scared of losing their control over you. If you get experience as a nurse, you have an "out" if he behaves badly and you cease to put up with it. That experience gives you power, power that he is frightened of. If you do not experience soon, it will be much more difficult, if not impossible to get it later. It does not matter how many/good your clinical experiences were...the vast majority of new grads have as good or better. You STILL need independant practice while the info is still fresh in the brain. Nursing school is only a small part of being an nurse.....it MUST be reinforced in practice. And hospitals work on a certain schedule. It is YOUR job to adjust to their schedule, not the other way around.

    - The hospital also can't/won't make undue adjustments for several reasons. The vast majority of nurses, male or female, have families, children, SOs, lives. They ALL have to make sacrifices to get to work on time. If you cannot make that adjustment and they can, well, that tells them who to hire. In addition, nurses that have your child care/spousal issues in internship, will often continue to have the same issues during employment. If your spouse gets in a snit and tells/forces you to call in at the last minute, or come home midshift because the child has misbehaved and he just cannot deal - and you do so, it screws up patient care, is a problem to everyone you work with and possible endangers patient care......all to appease an irrational spouse.

    (I've had to work with these, and as much as they are sweet people, they are not reliable employees and irritate the staff - if I get called one more time at 1100 in the morning after working 1900-0700and before going back in at 1900 ...because someone finds that they suddenly need to get off at 1500, instead of scheduled 1900...due to spousal snits, I may go postal)

    - Another issue. Your spouse is substantially older. He is also just now STARTING a business. This has red flags all over it. Newly self-employed 50something year old are rarely independantly wealthy and frequently not well insured. He will possibly also not have a reliable source of income at times, especially if health crises occur. If he suddenly dies or becomes incapacitated, and you have not established a track record, finances will be poor indeed.

    (Does he have a poor record of holding LONGTERM jobs, working beneath another's authority, or obtaining work references. Does he refer to his bosses as "all idiots" that did not appreciate him, possibly?)

    - If he does do well at this business, and retires in his 60s, do you really want to deal with him being at home nonstop, never lifting a finger - it might be good to have something to occupy yourself.

    My prayers are with you. You need counseling and to hold your ground. It is not good for you OR your family to not get experience. I also worry about you and your safety. I have a friend that was in a similar situation who works with victim's aid. She was a police officer, who when she finally left her controlling spouse. She had a protection order. He still came to her parent's house and shot her, then killed himself. She is now a paraplegic that works from a wheelchair. He was controlling but had no history of violence.

    If you feel that you cannot approach him, or ever that you are in danger, even the least little bit, get help.
  8. by   epipusher
    Never let anyone take away your achievements! The longer you wait the more difficult it will be to acclimate. Lots of single mom's manage, you can too. If my husband did not go into work until 10am he would help out. I wouldn't even need to ask. Stand up for yourself. Who knows where you will be 10 years from now in your marriage (He sounds selfish). My mom always preached to me that as a nurse, I would never have to depend on a man for income. You are only hurting yourself, nursing school was too hard to throw away. Being a new grad is tough. Nursing school can only perpare you for so much. You need to work the way the hospital's orientation program is set up. (Trust me, nursing school did not prepare you as well as you think) Find a way to manage for 1 year, then work per deim when it suits you. Be firm, make a plan and stick to it!
    Good luck
  9. by   TazziRN
    Wanted RN (I will not call you by your original name anymore), please forgive me if I was harsh and out of bounds. I was in an abusive relationship with a man much like yours....lots of yelling and emotional abuse, sometimes physical.

    Your problem is not the lack of child care, or finding a job willing to work with you. Your problem is your husband.
  10. by   GardenDove
    Another thought is to contact a battered womens shelter. You mention that he has physically abused you. They can guide you. You do your children no favor by allowing them to grow up around abuse.
  11. by   Ruby Vee
    Quote from unwanted rn
    it doesn't look like i will be able to work as a nurse until my children grow up and are more independent. i came to this country 11 years ago and have been married for 10 years. my husband is 52 and i am 35, during those 10 years it has been nothing but a struggle to make him realize that i am a valuable member of this family just to awarded with nasty words and sometimes rough physical treatment in return.
    you need to get rid of the husband, make sure you're awarded child support through the courts, and set up an infrastructure of friends and hired help for childcare. if your husband is verbally and physically abusive, you need to leave him not just for your sake, but for the sake of your children as well. do you want your sons to learn that the way to treat women is to use nasty words and "rough physical treatment"? do you want your daughters to learn that marriage means putting up with abuse? leave now! stay in a shelter with your kids while you find a job and go through orientation. that will take care of the child care issues in the short run. you may meet some other women in the shelter you can rent a house with to exchange childcare. hospital nursing jobs are extremly flexible for single mothers -- you can work nights while your kids sleep and the housemate is there in case of emergencies, and sleep during the day when your kids are in school.

    leave now, before your kids develop a warped sense of values from watching your husband abuse you. the longer you stay, the worse it will get and the harder it will be to leave. and let us know how you do. i'll be praying for you. i've been there -- left with nothing but the clothes on my back. it was the smartest thing i've ever done.
  12. by   Mulan
    I would try to arrange the child care, getting to school issue with a stay at home mom in your neighborhhod, you can pay her to do it and she probably would welcome the money.

    I think you need to go to work, and get your experience, then you can go per diem or work whatever hours work for you. If you don't go to work now, you may not be able to get a job later, no one will hire you more than likely.

    You have to make your own decision about the relationship.

    Please come back and keep in touch with what is going on.

    Good luck to you.
  13. by   sam027000
    Have you considered trying to work as a school nurse in one of the schools your children attend, or trying to get your children into daycare at the hospital. Many larger hospitals have daycare for the children of employees. Also, what about being a public health nurse for the city or county? Although school nurses and public nurses aren't hospital based and you wouldn't get as much hands on training you'd still be working as a nurse which would provide you with income, insurance, and most importantly options if you ever decided to make a change in your family life.

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