any comment?

Nurses General Nursing

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Hello, I have finally decided to join this forum for maybe somebody somewhere is in the same situation I am in right now, and maybe that very person could advise me on what I can possibly do. I have graduated with BSN last year in May and ever since I have stayed home taking care of my children unable to work. My problem is that I am doing all the parenting myself because my husband has started his business and somehow thinks it is below him to help me at least take the children to school in the morning, even though he leaves home around 10:30 am to his office! as a result I am unable to begin any training or internships which are available only in hospitals and are all day. The internships include classes, certifications, and of course rotating shifts which are 7 am to 7 pm for about 2 months. There is absolutely no way I can do this because I have to take the kids to school in teh morning and pick them up 3:30. I told the hospitals that I can train between 8am and 3:30pm to learn skills and see how the shifts work, and work full 12 hour shifts on weekends nights, but they say I had to experience the shift changes at 7 am and 7 pm. So, my inability to complete the internship lies in not being able to attend the shift changes. During my school practicum I have done about 200 or more shift changes and I am very familiar with them it is not a new concept so, I cannot understand why all teh hospitals are so adamant about the shift change? I am more concern about learning my skills that might be new to me. At this point I am so frustrated because not a single hospital in Houston has enough sense to offer me some flexibility . I have an active license and offering enough time to train, but I cannot because of some inconvenient standards . Unwanted RN whose license is rotting away.

Specializes in Rehab, LTC, Peds, Hospice.

Call the school and find out whether there are people that live in your area that you can carpool with. Somehow you made it through school, without his support, you can do this as well. Get to know your neighbors with children. Having kids can make this easier, you have that in common and it is in their best interest to have friends and playmates where they live. You need to develope a network of friends you can count on. I suspect that you lack confidence because of his treatment of you and might be finding reasons to stay at home. Trust me I've been there! Anyone who can make it through nursing school can make it through anything! I also think that an office position may work well for you. Then you ll have more options as you make your own salary. Open an account in your name only that he has no access to. You can do direct deposit if available. Then he can't outright reject hiring somebody if you pay for it! Definitely talk to a counselor and find out about your local shelter. You owe it to yourself and your children!

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Hello Caliotter , believe me I looked for opportunities outside of hospital, but everywhere I went they asked for experience, at least one year in hospital. I am really absolutely terrified of leaving my husband because then I would be on my own, and if something happens to me there will be NOBODY to take care of my kids. My husband is selfish and doesn't have the time, desire, and even the skill to take care of them. He has never done it before so, he would probably hire a live- in babysitter to care for them. It would never occur to me how limited my options would be as a new nurse. Once a nurse has a few years of experience life is good, but to get there? My grandma always taught me not to complain unless I really had to, and I don't think it is the time for me to complain yet. My children are my highest priority no matter how much I miss nursing, and my responsibility as a parent is way too high. Hopefully, one day things will change for the better.

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Specializes in Maternal - Child Health.

Have you considered LTC? Most facilities are desperately in need of dedicated RNs. Perhaps you would find a LTC facility that would be willing to be flexible about orientation.

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Hello Jolie, I did think about trying long term care, but kind of forgot about it. I think it is a wonderful idea , I will try it. Thank you

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Specializes in NICU, PICU, MNICU.

IMHO, this sounds like a bit of an abusive situation, since your husband is effectively controlling your environment. If he controls your ability to work, then he also controls your ability to care for yourself and your children.

I have a somewhat supportive (but lazy) husband, but I am the full income-earner in the family at this time (family of 5). It has been eye-opening and empowering to see that I can make the family work by myself (he is in school and thankfully the end is in sight!) at least when it comes to finances. I still struggle with getting help around the house, but at least he helps with the kids.

Have you thought about trying to find an 11-7 position? That way you could put the kids to bed, work while they're asleep, and get home in time to take the kids to school. Yes, it's far from ideal, but if you could do this for a year then you could do just about anything else.

Also, look into some sort of carpool situation. Are they in private school? If not, are there buses? There's a lot of ways to work around this situation, but I get the impression that the logistics (how and when to manage the kids' activities) aren't really the problem as much as the fact that your husband really doesn't want you working. Good luck!

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It's more than "a bit of an abusive situation", it IS an abusive one. I wondered why you chose the name "unwanted nurse".....you feel unwanted anywhere, don't you? You don't deserve this, and your "husband" doesn't deserve you. I may be stepping out of bounds here but the best thing you could do for yourself and your children is leave. He doesn't want a wife or children, he wants a woman to be there at his beck and call. You are worth more than that.

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At first, I was irritated with the posters who said, in essence, "drop the loser" because I didn't think her original post warranted that response. But your second post speaks volumes. You ARE being abused, emotionally, for sure. You are worthy, some hospital does want you, no question about it and while it's scary as hell, you have a great degree that can enable you to survive, even thrive on your own with your children, WITHOUT someone who belittles you, makes you feel small. Best of luck to you.

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Specializes in Case Management.
my children, who mean the world to me, can get everything they need for success. I just have to weather the storm and hope for the best.

Unwanted RN,

I been where you are now. When you end up getting out, you realize how nice it is to be free from the tyrant running your life. You are a lot stronger than you think, but you will only realize this when you get out and stand on your own 2 feet. If he is hurting you physically and emotionally, is he doing the same to the kids? If he is then you owe it to the kids to provide them with the best life possible, and that may be away from their father. There are laws that protect women and children from abusive men, and a good lawyer can tell you that at least half the money that he has can be yours. you are in a lot better position than I am because my soon to be ex husband was a tyrant without money. I have nothing to go after him for, because he has nothing. But I keep my son safe and away from him because that is my priority is keeping my son safe. Just some food for thought. You would be surprised how good it feels to be free!

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Specializes in Oncology/Haemetology/HIV.

Several points:

- Your husband definitely has problems. He is trying to dominate you and you are putting up with it. This is setting a very bad example for your children, whether they are male or female. Do you want to be responsible for them perpetuating what they grew up with, as adults.

- Frequently abusive (and your spouse is being abusive) spouses are scared of losing their control over you. If you get experience as a nurse, you have an "out" if he behaves badly and you cease to put up with it. That experience gives you power, power that he is frightened of. If you do not experience soon, it will be much more difficult, if not impossible to get it later. It does not matter how many/good your clinical experiences were...the vast majority of new grads have as good or better. You STILL need independant practice while the info is still fresh in the brain. Nursing school is only a small part of being an nurse.....it MUST be reinforced in practice. And hospitals work on a certain schedule. It is YOUR job to adjust to their schedule, not the other way around.

- The hospital also can't/won't make undue adjustments for several reasons. The vast majority of nurses, male or female, have families, children, SOs, lives. They ALL have to make sacrifices to get to work on time. If you cannot make that adjustment and they can, well, that tells them who to hire. In addition, nurses that have your child care/spousal issues in internship, will often continue to have the same issues during employment. If your spouse gets in a snit and tells/forces you to call in at the last minute, or come home midshift because the child has misbehaved and he just cannot deal - and you do so, it screws up patient care, is a problem to everyone you work with and possible endangers patient care......all to appease an irrational spouse.

(I've had to work with these, and as much as they are sweet people, they are not reliable employees and irritate the staff - if I get called one more time at 1100 in the morning after working 1900-0700and before going back in at 1900 ...because someone finds that they suddenly need to get off at 1500, instead of scheduled 1900...due to spousal snits, I may go postal)

- Another issue. Your spouse is substantially older. He is also just now STARTING a business. This has red flags all over it. Newly self-employed 50something year old are rarely independantly wealthy and frequently not well insured. He will possibly also not have a reliable source of income at times, especially if health crises occur. If he suddenly dies or becomes incapacitated, and you have not established a track record, finances will be poor indeed.

(Does he have a poor record of holding LONGTERM jobs, working beneath another's authority, or obtaining work references. Does he refer to his bosses as "all idiots" that did not appreciate him, possibly?)

- If he does do well at this business, and retires in his 60s, do you really want to deal with him being at home nonstop, never lifting a finger - it might be good to have something to occupy yourself.

My prayers are with you. You need counseling and to hold your ground. It is not good for you OR your family to not get experience. I also worry about you and your safety. I have a friend that was in a similar situation who works with victim's aid. She was a police officer, who when she finally left her controlling spouse. She had a protection order. He still came to her parent's house and shot her, then killed himself. She is now a paraplegic that works from a wheelchair. He was controlling but had no history of violence.

If you feel that you cannot approach him, or ever that you are in danger, even the least little bit, get help.

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Never let anyone take away your achievements! The longer you wait the more difficult it will be to acclimate. Lots of single mom's manage, you can too. If my husband did not go into work until 10am he would help out. I wouldn't even need to ask. Stand up for yourself. Who knows where you will be 10 years from now in your marriage (He sounds selfish). My mom always preached to me that as a nurse, I would never have to depend on a man for income. You are only hurting yourself, nursing school was too hard to throw away. Being a new grad is tough. Nursing school can only perpare you for so much. You need to work the way the hospital's orientation program is set up. (Trust me, nursing school did not prepare you as well as you think) Find a way to manage for 1 year, then work per deim when it suits you. Be firm, make a plan and stick to it!

Good luck

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Wanted RN (I will not call you by your original name anymore), please forgive me if I was harsh and out of bounds. I was in an abusive relationship with a man much like yours....lots of yelling and emotional abuse, sometimes physical.

Your problem is not the lack of child care, or finding a job willing to work with you. Your problem is your husband.

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Another thought is to contact a battered womens shelter. You mention that he has physically abused you. They can guide you. You do your children no favor by allowing them to grow up around abuse.

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