Adoption - page 2

After reading another post I saw someone write they only wanted to have their "own" child. I am NOT trying to jump on this person, but as an adoptee and a LD nurse it got me thinking. I have seen... Read More

  1. Visit  jkaee profile page
    0
    I just had to reply to this, too. I gave a baby girl up for adoption 12 years ago this July. It was the right choice for me and more importantly for the baby, who deserved a better life than what I could give her. I could have stayed with my parents, I probably could have gone to college at some point, but that's not what I wanted for my baby. I wanted a 2 parent home, with a mom that could stay home with her, and a place where she was wanted more than anything else in the world. That's what I gave her when I gave her up for adoption. When I met her parents a few weeks after her birth, they were crying and told me, "We love her so much already, thank you so much." I never regretted my decision, even though it was the hardest thing in the world to do.
    What bugs me is when people ask me how I could give away 'my" baby...I calmly explain to these misguided people that just because I pushed a baby out of my body does NOT make me a mother. Yes, I gave birth to her, and she is a part of me, but I am NOT her mother, and I never will be. She has a mom and a dad and a family, but that does not include me. If she wants to find me, she can....my file will be open to her when she turns 18. I will not go and look for her. If she feels the need to find me, she can, and I will leave that decision up to her. If she feels that she does not need or want to find me, that's fine too. I would never force myself and my family on her.


    Problem is that too many people think that just because you have a baby, you are automatically a mom/dad. Unfortunately, a cat is a better mom than some people I have seen.
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  3. Visit  fergus51 profile page
    0
    Jkaee,
    My mother always used to say "Her birth mother didn't give her AWAY, she gave her A FAMILY". It seemed to make the point with people who were shocked that anyone could "give away" their baby.
  4. Visit  Rustyhammer profile page
    0
    3 years ago we took in a scared, neglected 8 year old boy who had been in 3 different foster homes in 3 years. I was terrified to meet my new son. I had only heard his story and seen some pictures. We drove around the block several times, each time slowing as we past the house. Robin put her hand on my arm and said, "We are going to have to stop one of these times you know."
    I stopped the truck and we met. 2 weeks later he was living with us permanently.
    The next 6 months were difficult. That little boy was stubborn, bad and generally tried about everything he could think of to make us not want him. But we just loved him all the same. We enforced the house rules, and let him know he was wanted and loved.
    Today my son doesn't test us this way (although there are other tests). Our other children have survived the early times as well.
    I can barely remember not having him with us. Many people have told me what a wonderful thing we've done, giving this boy a home and all but I never think about that. I look at him and see how much he's given to me. How much richer our lives are and how whole our family is.
    -Russell
  5. Visit  z's playa profile page
    0
    I'm adopted and I highly recommend it. I consider my mom, my mom, and had no desire to ever search for my biological mother. EVER. My life would have been c**p if I grew up where I heard I was going to grow up and I thank my lucky stars it never happened. If I were to ever meet my "mother", it would be to thank her for my life.
  6. Visit  chris_at_lucas_RN profile page
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    I am an adoptive parent, as well as a biological parent. I raised both my children from newborn-ness (my daughter came to us at age 3 days).

    I can tell you that I do not feel any differently toward my children--being a parent feels like being a parent! Certainly I don't remember being pregnant with my adopted child, but unless I make the effort, memories of my pregnancy and son's birth don't come flooding in either.

    My daughter does not look like me, but we have many of the same mannerisms, expressions and ways of thinking. And she and I fought through adolescence just like her brother and I did.

    I thank God daily that Lizzie's first mom had the strength to complete the pregnancy and loved her enough to give her up. Because it was a closed adoption and First Mom wanted no contact, we have made no effort to connect with her.

    But if I could, I'd want her to know just how wonderful everything has worked out.

    My hat's off to all the parents who gave their children a good life through adoption. People like me are lucky there are people like them.
  7. Visit  Marie_LPN, RN profile page
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    That's why i'd never do in-vitro or surrogacy(sp). It would bother me to go to such lengths for me to go oiut and have a baby, when there's so many out there without a family.
  8. Visit  hock1 profile page
    0
    The adoption option is such a personal decision for everybody involved. It has come a long way, but still has a long way to go. I have a grandmother, mother, younger brother and cousin who were adopted, Not all experiences for the adoptees and adoptive parents were positive, not all were negative either. It's not the 'dreamy' experience it's cracked up to be. It's expensive and full of beuracracy (sp?). However, once a family has been through the legal and psy part of it they become just like any biological family with ups and downs. I don't believe in forced adoption, nor do I believe in one type of family as adoptees. A family is a family.
  9. Visit  ProfRN4 profile page
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    a family is people and a family is love
    that's a family
    they come in all different sizes and different kinds
    and mine's just right for me!
    -barney (the dinosaur)

    (i got to get out more)
    :chuckle
  10. Visit  Gompers profile page
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    My older brother was adopted as a newborn, after my parents had tried to concieve for five years with no success. Three years later, there I was! It's a phenomenom with quite a few adoptive families who struggled with infertility. Some say it's because there is no longer any stress to start a family, so the woman's body is more relaxed and eager to concieve. Others say that when you give a home to a child that needs one, God gives you one of your own. Either way, my brother and I have never been treated any different. He's been with my parents longer than I have, and has never shown any interest in finding his birth parents. His mother must have had a reason to give him up, and he probably understands that. He's had a really great life and we have a wonderful family. He's married now, with a baby boy that looks EXACTLY like him. It's unspoken, but we're all thrilled about that, because it's the first time he's ever been able to look at someone and see himself in them. We forget all the time about the adoption. We'll be talking about the baby and say, "Oh, he probably got that from Grandma's side..." and then we'll remember that he's not genetically related to us. :imbar

    I loved fergus's saying about how giving a child up is more like giving the child a family. I couldn't agree more. People who adopt want to be parents so badly that they're willing to take other people's children into their homes. They go through paperwork and lawyers and money, often for YEARS, just to get the priviledge of being entrusted with a child to care for.

    I work in a NICU, and when we send home babies with adoptive parents, I always feel very happy for that baby. I know that the child is going home with people who really want him, who are just shaking with excitement when they come to take him home. I can't say that for a lot of other kids I send home, some of whom I fear for their lives when we send them out the door with unfit parents. There's nothing wrong with giving up "your" child if it means you're giving him a better life!
  11. Visit  JUSTYSMOM profile page
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    "That's why i'd never do in-vitro or surrogacy(sp). It would bother me to go to such lengths for me to go oiut and have a baby, when there's so many out there without a family."

    Marie,

    Imagine this scenario:

    You are happily married. After a few years, you and your husband decide to start a family. You get rid of all birth control methods. You assume you will get pregnant sooner or later. After all, getting pregnant and giving birth is what a woman's body is set up to do.

    Then one month, you find our you are pregnant- YEAH! A few weeks later you start to bleed. You go for an ultrasound and their is no embryo in the uterus. It turns out to be an ectopic pregnancy. One of your fallopian tubes is removed. The doctor says that the other tube looks ok. So we can continue trying. A few months later, you have another ectopic pregnancy. Your other tube is removed. Their is shock and disbelief. How could this be happening to me? Are we thinking of adoption now? Absolutely not!

    It is now when you are faced with the reality that you can NEVER have a baby naturally. The only chance is through IVF. All you have ever wanted was a chance to have a baby created between you and your husband. You also want to experience pregnancy (at least once). You go for IVF (at least once).

    Thankfully, at the time, we had insurance for IVF (which is extremely rare). I was one of the fortunate ones who got pregnant on my first try. I thank god every day for my son. He is a gift from god. I know he is happy to be alive. He is certainly grateful that mommy & daddy went through such lengths to have him. I feel very fortunate that in this day and age, IVF is available for those who can't have baby's on their own.

    Now, for baby # 2, we are looking into adoption. We do not have IVF insurance. We do not want to gamble with our money to try to get pregnant again. What if it didn't work? Then you are looking at at least $15k down the tube. Adoptin is certainly more of a guarantee to get a baby than with IVF.

    I respectfully disagree with you that "their are so many baby's out their without a family." If so, where are they? If that was the case, then most couple's would not be waiting at least a year or more to adopt a healthy newborn. Oh and by the way, do you have $15K-$50K to give to me to adopt? We are going to have to scrimp and save every single penny we make this year.

    On a final note, do you know what it is like to be infertile? Do you know the pain and anguish that couple's go through trying to conceive? It is a nightmare to say the least.

    I respect a couple's right to choose IVF or adoption..either way, I pray that the end result is a baby to start their family.

    Jules
  12. Visit  Marie_LPN, RN profile page
    0
    Quote from JUSTYSMOM
    "That's why i'd never do in-vitro or surrogacy(sp). It would bother me to go to such lengths for me to go oiut and have a baby, when there's so many out there without a family."

    Marie,

    Imagine this scenario:

    You are happily married. After a few years, you and your husband decide to start a family. You get rid of all birth control methods. You assume you will get pregnant sooner or later. After all, getting pregnant and giving birth is what a woman's body is set up to do.

    Then one month, you find our you are pregnant- YEAH! A few weeks later you start to bleed. You go for an ultrasound and their is no embryo in the uterus. It turns out to be an ectopic pregnancy. One of your fallopian tubes is removed. The doctor says that the other tube looks ok. So we can continue trying. A few months later, you have another ectopic pregnancy. Your other tube is removed. Their is shock and disbelief. How could this be happening to me? Are we thinking of adoption now? Absolutely not!

    It is now when you are faced with the reality that you can NEVER have a baby naturally. The only chance is through IVF. All you have ever wanted was a chance to have a baby created between you and your husband. You also want to experience pregnancy (at least once). You go for IVF (at least once).

    Thankfully, at the time, we had insurance for IVF (which is extremely rare). I was one of the fortunate ones who got pregnant on my first try. I thank god every day for my son. He is a gift from god. I know he is happy to be alive. He is certainly grateful that mommy & daddy went through such lengths to have him. I feel very fortunate that in this day and age, IVF is available for those who can't have baby's on their own.

    Now, for baby # 2, we are looking into adoption. We do not have IVF insurance. We do not want to gamble with our money to try to get pregnant again. What if it didn't work? Then you are looking at at least $15k down the tube. Adoptin is certainly more of a guarantee to get a baby than with IVF.

    I respectfully disagree with you that "their are so many baby's out their without a family." If so, where are they? If that was the case, then most couple's would not be waiting at least a year or more to adopt a healthy newborn. Oh and by the way, do you have $15K-$50K to give to me to adopt? We are going to have to scrimp and save every single penny we make this year.

    On a final note, do you know what it is like to be infertile? Do you know the pain and anguish that couple's go through trying to conceive? It is a nightmare to say the least.

    I respect a couple's right to choose IVF or adoption..either way, I pray that the end result is a baby to start their family.

    Jules
    You're making presumptions about me. You're assuming that because of me stating in a post on the way i view things for myself (note that i said FOR MYSELF) that everything's fine on this end physically for myself, and let me tell you it's not. Don't assume that with the opinion that i gave IF I WERE THE ONE in this situation is how i feel for everyone going through infertility problems. Because, like i said, this is why I, myself, wouldn't go the surrogacy or in vitro, route, and no where did i say that it won't work for others, and nor was i even speaking for other people at all. What i said is how I feel on this issue for ME only, and it really irks me that you twisted my post to make it sound as though that i know how things should be for everyone. I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't do that in the future, thank you.
    Last edit by Marie_LPN, RN on Jun 15, '04
  13. Visit  veteranRN profile page
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    LPN2BE2004, DId I see you gmother passed away only one day ago. My deepest sympathies to you:kiss
  14. Visit  fergus51 profile page
    0
    There are a lot of children out there waiting to be adopted, they just aren't the "ideal" (healthy, newborn, generally white). Adopting older children and those with health problems is a HUGE commitment and frankly, I don't know if I could adopt some of the kids I see in the hospital.

    I don't think anyone is trying to be judgemental about adoption vs IVF and surrogacy. I certainly can't imagine myself going through IVF either. Having a biological child has never been important to me, but that doesn't mean other people are bad if it is important to them.


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