Is something wrong with me?

[jasonn]

I am a new graduate working in a busy ED. I have some years working as a paramedic before becoming a nurse. I have seen death before both professionally and in my private life. I always was secretly concerned that perhaps i lacked a certain degree of compassion that I have seen some of the other nurses had. NOt to say that I am cold, but I see many people that put themselves in the ED because of their own stupid actions. I have even rationalized that perhaps this is a good thing because I am able to remain calm and think critically through a situation which benifits my patient.

On thanksgiving night, the place was jammed. You know, abd pain, gall bladder attacks, acute MI's ... normal fare..... However around 0230, a call came in that an attempted suicide was coming in. I overheard someone jokingly say, well the holiday season has offically begun... We get the trauma bay ready. IN rolls the squad, CPR is being done on the patient. As we are lifting the pt to the bed, we learn that this is an 11 year old that hung himself in his family's bathroom. HE became asystolic enroute. I took over compressions while an IO was placed.

After working this young kid for what seemed liked forever, His mother came into the rooom. Crying and pleading with him to breath. OF course I know its not going to happen. We perform another round of ACLS for show basically, and I overheard the MD explaining to mom that even if we regain perfusion there will be no neurological function. Mom makes the decision to stop.

Nurses crying everywhere, family crying everywhere, clergy is called for the mother. I felt terrible for Mom. But yet, I questioned to myself why I didnt feel worse. Ice was applied to the pts eyes while the HOB was elevated. Later I returned to help bag the patient because no one else really wanted to go back in there.

Needless to say, I finished my shift at 0700. Then I slept for 20 of the next 24 hours. And 20 more hours saturday. I dont think i am that far behind on my sleep. IS this my coping mechanism? OThers seem to be able to express emotion outward. I didnt express any because yes i felt bad, but i didnt feel like i needed to cry.

Strange thing is,, I wish I had to go to work today. I am off until 1900 Monday. I dont know what to do with myself. I need to take a shower and shave but dont really feel like it. I should go to the gym and exercise, but I dont feel like doing that either.

I dont know if anything that i am writing makes any sense to anyone that happens to be reading this. I am not sure that it is helping me either. I jsut feel like I am in some strange sur-real state of mind. even while I am awake it all seems like a dream.

I love my job, but I wish I was able to express in words the strange feeling that I have.

I guess there is no answer. Thanks

[Victoriakem]

I work in an adult ED, no peds on my side, & all the pathos really gets to you sometimes. Worrying about the outcome of some patients wears on a person too, although I try really hard to keep work at work & home where it belongs. Good luck with everything & remember to let go when it's time.

[Thunderwolf, MSN, RN]

Jason, get debriefed and destressed. The activities you mentioned that you avoided may actually be some of the things you need to be doing. The key word is "doing". Also, talking, getting it out. Who knows, maybe crying....what can it hurt?

[purplemania, BSN, RN]

I am female and I rarely cry but that does not mean I don't have feelings. Sleep may be your way of coping, but the good news is---you are coping. You sound like a caring nurse who wants to do all that is possible for the patient, but can accept it when only the impossible can do them any good. Does your employer offer any counseling? ALLLLLL ED nurses should have counseling for the trauma, death and stress they encounter (IMHO)

[JessicRN]

Hi I have been an ER Nurse for several years in several hospitals and the one thing I have seen that nurses have in common is after a pediatric code especially an unsuccessful one. Everyone in the ER becomes upset. Many drink after some work out after some smoke and some sleep. So my answer to you is nothing wrong with you, you are human

I am a new graduate working in a busy ED. I have some years working as a paramedic before becoming a nurse. I have seen death before both professionally and in my private life. I always was secretly concerned that perhaps i lacked a certain degree of compassion that I have seen some of the other nurses had. NOt to say that I am cold, but I see many people that put themselves in the ED because of their own stupid actions. I have even rationalized that perhaps this is a good thing because I am able to remain calm and think critically through a situation which benifits my patient.

On thanksgiving night, the place was jammed. You know, abd pain, gall bladder attacks, acute MI's ... normal fare..... However around 0230, a call came in that an attempted suicide was coming in. I overheard someone jokingly say, well the holiday season has offically begun... We get the trauma bay ready. IN rolls the squad, CPR is being done on the patient. As we are lifting the pt to the bed, we learn that this is an 11 year old that hung himself in his family's bathroom. HE became asystolic enroute. I took over compressions while an IO was placed.

After working this young kid for what seemed liked forever, His mother came into the rooom. Crying and pleading with him to breath. OF course I know its not going to happen. We perform another round of ACLS for show basically, and I overheard the MD explaining to mom that even if we regain perfusion there will be no neurological function. Mom makes the decision to stop.

Nurses crying everywhere, family crying everywhere, clergy is called for the mother. I felt terrible for Mom. But yet, I questioned to myself why I didnt feel worse. Ice was applied to the pts eyes while the HOB was elevated. Later I returned to help bag the patient because no one else really wanted to go back in there.

Needless to say, I finished my shift at 0700. Then I slept for 20 of the next 24 hours. And 20 more hours saturday. I dont think i am that far behind on my sleep. IS this my coping mechanism? OThers seem to be able to express emotion outward. I didnt express any because yes i felt bad, but i didnt feel like i needed to cry.

Strange thing is,, I wish I had to go to work today. I am off until 1900 Monday. I dont know what to do with myself. I need to take a shower and shave but dont really feel like it. I should go to the gym and exercise, but I dont feel like doing that either.

I dont know if anything that i am writing makes any sense to anyone that happens to be reading this. I am not sure that it is helping me either. I jsut feel like I am in some strange sur-real state of mind. even while I am awake it all seems like a dream.

I love my job, but I wish I was able to express in words the strange feeling that I have.

I guess there is no answer. Thanks

[actioncat]

I find it interesting so many people are suggesting debriefing.

Recent reasearch shows that debriefing is not particularly useful and time is really the best cure to help individuals deal with traumatic events.

[lady_jezebel]

Jason,

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm not going to focus on your topic, for the others have given you excellent advice. Just wanted to address the part where you say you "love your job". I've felt emotionally numb for some time on my floor (ortho/cancer). I think it means it's time to move on. Unlike you, I do not love my job. There is no way in heck that I long to be there on my days off.

The ED sounds fascinating, however. I don't want to see kids suffer of course (your experience sounded traumatic), but find the energy and chaos of the environment sounds appealing as a job. It sounds like you KNOW that you really make a difference when people are facing critical emergencies, and that must be fulfilling. Just to hear someone say that they love their nursing job -- I think I'll apply to the ED here!