I am so sorry.....
. There are a few losses that I remember, for one reason or another, like it was yesterday. Don't spend your energy trying to forget. My fist pedi code was 6 months after graduation when a CP kid with Cystic fibrosis, that we all knew well, coded one night when I was alone (which we we in those days). Which started me on my path of critical care where I spent the last 34 years. The next was the grandson of a dear co-worker who stood up under a table saw, there were no shields then.
My career is littered with one vivid memory or another. The memory won't leave you but it will get easier to remember it without pain. Over the yeas, although I am not a "religious" person, it has taught me faith. Faith that there are greater forces at work that I cannot control that make the real decisions. For me it is "God".
Not that it is "God's will"......but that there were just other plans and lessons to learn. Another path to be walked....that I have no control over. I can't be so bold as to think that ultimately I can change the Universe.........I believe I am given a raw talent to be the best at what I do but the final decisions are not mine. If they were children would not die of cancer, be molested by monsters, or abused by the very people who are supposed to protect them.
When I get to "heaven" I plan on asking for an open table discussion on the rationale behind a few things. But in the mean time, I pray for the families to find peace and I stay the best nurse I can be. I know you can't deal with things the way I do but the key is to embrace your feelings then let them go and learn how to be better everyday. I think being an ER nurse makes me a better Mom for I know that some never get another day. It has taught me patience and to never go to be angry.
You will grieve and then move on.....as ER nurses it's what we do.
That Guy......I know you and you will be OK.