Just needed to get this off my chest. - page 2

Bottom line is this: my job is tough. I love it, I can't imagine doing anything else.... but I'm having a hard time. Two people had heart attacks, and we saved them both. One was dead when she... Read More

  1. by   CEN35
    We all have those days. I have been there myself. Unfortunately, the hospitals nowdays expect all patients to be plaeased and happy with their service. All this reguardless of staffing and any other emergencies that take priority. Budget, budget, productivity, and yet they want you to run your butt off to get it done, even if it's not humanly possible.

    Even though off the subject, anybody can die from asthma. I know I have it my whole life, and I think most people overlook it and dont think of it as a potentially "fatal disease".

    It always hits everybody worse when its a kid though. Good luck and hope ou feel better, venting and getting input.

    me
  2. by   weetziebat
    [quote=EDValerieRN]
    Although I'm a Christian, and I do appreciate the fact that God has a plan for us... I would like to know how those without religion deal with these issues. I'm wondering if they have any more logic besides just trusting God.
    [quote]

    Valerie,

    So sorry for what you, and the family, went through. Knowing asthma can be a deadly disease, and watching an otherewise healthy boy die in front of your eyes is not something anyone gets used to - nor would anyone want to think of a nurse getting 'used' to it. Thats the reason I left NICU - got too tired of watching babies die.

    Afraid I have no logic to offer. I wonder about the same things, and have never been able to come up with a satisfactory reasoning. Really envy the folks with strong religious beliefs to help them in these times. It does seem to offer so much strength. I don't know what to say that would help. I have no answers - personally I do not find any solace in thinking I'll be reunited with loved ones someday, somewhere. It hurts too damn much now.

    Life just isn't fair, and perhaps the only thing we can do is to try to enjoy each day to its fullest, knowing that it can end in a heartbeat. I hope you find peace. :icon_hug: :kiss
  3. by   weetziebat
    [quote=EDValerieRN]
    Although I'm a Christian, and I do appreciate the fact that God has a plan for us... I would like to know how those without religion deal with these issues. I'm wondering if they have any more logic besides just trusting God.
    [quote]

    Valerie,

    So sorry for what you, and the family, went through. Knowing asthma can be a deadly disease, and watching an otherewise healthy boy die in front of your eyes is not something anyone gets used to - nor would anyone want to think of a nurse getting 'used' to it. Thats the reason I left NICU - got too tired of watching babies die.

    Afraid I have no logic to offer. I wonder about the same things, and have never been able to come up with a satisfactory reasoning. Really envy the folks with strong religious beliefs to help them in these times. It does seem to offer so much strength. I don't know what to say that would help. I have no answers - personally I do not find any solace in thinking I'll be reunited with loved ones someday, somewhere. It hurts too damn much now.

    Life just isn't fair, and perhaps the only thing we can do is to try to enjoy each day to its fullest, knowing that it can end in a heartbeat. I hope you find peace. :icon_hug: :kiss
  4. by   pricklypear
    Quote from EDValerieRN
    Guys, I know what asthma is, and does, and could cause. My daughter has asthma. The point was that the kid died so suddenly, with no other history. It was abrupt, and he hadn't had a problem like this before. To all you people with asthma: I realize your disease is serious. It wasn't the intent of my post to belittle it. I'm suprised that out of the whole post, that's what stuck out to you.

    Thanks to everyone for being reassuring. I'm finding that many people say it was meant to be.... I guess I just can't accept that. A fifteen year old boy dying just isn't meant to be. It's just not.

    Although I'm a Christian, and I do appreciate the fact that God has a plan for us... I would like to know how those without religion deal with these issues. I'm wondering if they have any more logic besides just trusting God.

    I have to go back to work today, and for the first time in my life... I'm scared to go.
    Valerie - I understood what you meant. All I can say to you is thank God there are people like you willing to do the job you do. I work in an adult ICU. I see people die all the time, usually after long illnesses. I'm OK with that. But to deal with the trauma and abrupt things that come in through those ED doors takes a very special person - that person is NOT me. We do very little trauma, but what we do get is because it's so bad the pt would have zero chance taking the helicopter, and a sliver of a chance if they come to us. I've been to 1 over there, a 19y/o young man MVA. I have a 19y/o son. All I could think of the whole time was his mom asleep, about to be awaked by either the police or the phone to be told her son was dead. 10 minutes ago he was fine, now he's sliced open and bleeding all over the trauma room floor. I can't do it.

    I want to tell you to keep going to work. If I, or my family ever end up in your ED, I want you there.
  5. by   Billiegirl
    There are no words that can be said to comfort you. A child that dies is a tragedy. In the ER we struggle with these thoughts and feelings. We all have our ways of remembering. Reading your post I thought about my tragedies. That is what this child is, one of YOUR tragedies.

    Over time it will get easier. You will always feel something when someone dies, because as nurses we care.

    I understand what you meant by saying it was just asthma. Just know that someday you will think; it was just a car accident, a small bullet, a piece of torn skin, a stupid choice, or whatever else. Either way the outcome will be the same and the pain will still be there.

    If I can tell you anything, it's that you should not try to forget this child, because someday it will come back and hurt all the same. Remember those good deaths too. The people that signed the DNR and the family agreed, the wife that knew her husband didn't want to live on a vent., the baby that was in pain from cancer.

    It is hard to let go and forget. True, someday we will reach our point where we think we can not continue. Maybe that's the day we quit or maybe that's the day we save another person and we can go on.

    Billie
  6. by   ktwlpn
    Quote from EDValerieRN
    I don't know why I can save a 95 year old woman, but not a kid. I don't know why the people who are evil get to go on and abuse others, while the nice guys get cancer. People say when I get to heaven, I'll be able to ask God why. I can tell you right now, whatever answer he gives isn't going to be good enough. I know life isn't fair, but Jesus Christ...... it was just asthma.

    .
    I firmly believe the evil ones are suffering -we can't always see how but they are.......-The ones that get out of this early are getting the prize.....
  7. by   tlhubbard
    Quote from EDValerieRN
    I have to go back to work today, and for the first time in my life... I'm scared to go.
    Valerie,
    I don't know how long you've been in the ED. But (even in short amounts of time) nurses can get burnt out. Maybe another area for a while, where death isn't as common an end result. I was in ED (peds) for a while. I have children, and I would see a two year old having a seizure and think, "my little girl is that age, what if it were her" It became very difficult for me. I also worked with nurses who didn't have the personality for children's care which made it even harder to see. I had to move on. I think knowing your limits, and taking care of yourself is being a good nurse too. Just like when you take emergency training, "don't go into a dangerous situation, we don't want to rescue the rescuer". Someone needs to take care of the caregiver.

    I know where I worked, if you had a patient expire they had a support system you could go through (usually immediately during your shift when it happened). Maybe your facility offers something like that.

    I hope your day back goes well.
  8. by   EDValerieRN
    Thanks so much to everyone. I don't really feel better, but I do feel at peace with what happened. I went back yesterday... I think it just took me a minute to grasp this one.

    You all don't know how much you've helped me with this. It's nice to hear some encouraging words from people who have been there. Not many others really understand the feeling I guess.
  9. by   janejoeben
    hi, we had a 10 year old asthmatic die in our department this afternoon. i can sympathise. xx
  10. by   Northernlights
    Dear Val,
    Sometimes I think of my heart as a patchwork quilt--the patches are those patients that I've been with that died. A part of them lives in my heart forever and when a new patch is added I often think about the ones that are already there just like when you look at the patches in a quilt.
    A little boy died in our ED because he wasn't in his seatbelt. His mother wasn't aware that he had taken it off. I cried for them over and over for months. Even now I get a lump in my throat, but it's better.
    The mom you helped with her son's death was lucky to have you there...
    Northernlights
  11. by   jeepgirl
    that is really tough... the death of a child is the worst.
    Last edit by jeepgirl on Jan 3, '06
  12. by   following_faith
    You are truly amazing...:icon_hug:

    Thank you so much for sharing.
  13. by   rward12
    Dearest Valerie,

    I have one thing to say to you...I can only hope that if I'm ever in your corner of the worldl and need emergency care...I hope you're on duty that night!

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