Your thoughts on denial

rph3664 · May 27, 2008

I imagine that denial may be a pain in the rump for some of you, but it was very necessary for me. Last April, I was diagnosed with invasive breast cancer. At the same time, my husband was diagnosed with ALS. It has been an absolutely overwhelming year. You may look down on me for using denial to cope, but there were times that it was all that I had to keep me sane. Thank God that none of my/his/our care-providers felt the need to take that away from me. Yes, I always knew down in my soul that "it is what it is". If fact, my oncologist uses those exact words. And yes, I know that I will soon lose my darling husband. Until you live the nitty gritty of these kind of life changes, I would ask you to have some mercy when someone is in denial. They will accept whatever "it" as the are able-----or not. And do you confuse denial with having hope? I am hoping for a cure for ALS. I am hoping God will choose to cure him. While I know that those things probably will not occur, I still have hope. Do you call that denial? And if so, is it necessarily a bad thing?
Robin

:icon_hug:

llg, PhD, RN · May 27, 2008

I think that if we all look hard enough and are truly honest with ourselves, we will find some examples in our own lives in which we ourselves have used denial. Perhaps analyzing her own denial would help the OP get some insight into its use by others.

For example, most of us don't think about all the horrible possibilities to be in a car accident every time we get in a car. We don't think about all the bad things that could happen to our loved ones. etc. If we constantly dwelled on the negative possibilities, we would have great difficulty living our daily lives. We live in a constant state of denial, thinking that horrible things "won't happen to me." We may acknowledge that bad things are possible, but we put them out of our minds and choose not to focus on them constantly. That's normal and we all do it. The more extreme versions are what the OP is talking about, but they are just extensions of the same phenomenon.

CHATSDALE · May 27, 2008

[[[robin]]]

there are no words but we are here for you

Jules A, MSN · May 27, 2008

I think that if we all look hard enough and are truly honest with ourselves, we will find some examples in our own lives in which we ourselves have used denial. Perhaps analyzing her own denial would help the OP get some insight into its use by others.
For example, most of us don't think about all the horrible possibilities to be in a car accident every time we get in a car. We don't think about all the bad things that could happen to our loved ones. etc. If we constantly dwelled on the negative possibilities, we would have great difficulty living our daily lives. We live in a constant state of denial, thinking that horrible things "won't happen to me." We may acknowledge that bad things are possible, but we put them out of our minds and choose not to focus on them constantly. That's normal and we all do it. The more extreme versions are what the OP is talking about, but they are just extensions of the same phenomenon.

Thank you for writing. I can't say that I agree that not dwelling on the numerous "what ifs" in life is all that similar to denial, imo. :)

LydiaNN · May 27, 2008

Denial also "is what it is". How can it be BS? To me, that doesn't even make sense. We have to offer our patients information in a non-judgmental way and meet them where they are to help them move past it.

Jules A, MSN · May 27, 2008

I imagine that denial may be a pain in the rump for some of you, but it was very necessary for me. Last April, I was diagnosed with invasive breast cancer. At the same time, my husband was diagnosed with ALS. It has been an absolutely overwhelming year. You may look down on me for using denial to cope, but there were times that it was all that I had to keep me sane. Thank God that none of my/his/our care-providers felt the need to take that away from me. Yes, I always knew down in my soul that "it is what it is". If fact, my oncologist uses those exact words. And yes, I know that I will soon lose my darling husband. Until you live the nitty gritty of these kind of life changes, I would ask you to have some mercy when someone is in denial. They will accept whatever "it" as the are able-----or not. And do you confuse denial with having hope? I am hoping for a cure for ALS. I am hoping God will choose to cure him. While I know that those things probably will not occur, I still have hope. Do you call that denial? And if so, is it necessarily a bad thing?
Robin

I am so very sorry for all you are facing right now but no where did I write that other's denial is a pain in my rump. I don't understand it and it makes me sad because I think it can impede healing, that is all. You have no idea how nitty gritty my life has been and please know that I am not refereeing from the cheap seats.

Halinja, BSN, RN · May 27, 2008

Oh Jules, you should meet my Mom. I call her Cleopatra. (the queen o 'de nile')

After having open heart surgery to repair a valve, and being diagnosed with congestive heart failure, she still talks about her 'virus'. When she gets out of breath walking to the mailbox she'll say, "oh those doctors were wrong, its just a virus." And she genuinely believes it on those days. I figure those are the days where the thought of a bad heart would just be too crushing.

Denial is real. In its place and time, it is an effective coping device. It is only ineffective when it keeps you from doing something you really MUST do.

I guess I'm not sure what you feel is BS about it. Do you feel that it doesn't exist? Do you feel that it isn't helpful?

One more example. After my nephew died last year, my sister said she didn't want to live. I feared for her. Then she came up with a solution that allows her to get up in the morning, go to work, feed herself and her husband, and keep on living. She accepts that he is dead, but is unable to accept that he is really gone. She looks for signs. If the light turns green before she gets there, J did it. If she finds spare change on a dresser, he's playing tricks. Things like that. To me that is a form of denial. But it is working for her. Now, as time goes on, likely that will fade away and she will accept that he is truly gone. But right now...it isn't doing any harm. And it allows her to survive another day.

Some people do face problems head on. For others, the problem would simply overwhelm them, crush them. So they need a way to cope, a way to let them breathe, eat, sleep. Denial is only one of many mechanisms, but it does exist, and for some, it works.

Jules A, MSN · May 27, 2008

Denial is real. In its place and time, it is an effective coping device. It is only ineffective when it keeps you from doing something you really MUST do.
I guess I'm not sure what you feel is BS about it. Do you feel that it doesn't exist? Do you feel that it isn't helpful?

Thank you for writing and sharing your insight. Does your dear Mom take medicine for her "virus"? :) I guess what I think is BS about denial is that after the initial shock/disbelief phase, in my opinion folks, I don't think it is really very helpful to prolong it and often can be harmful.

I know someone, in my personal life, that had a horrible accident and won't be able to continue working in the field that he had for many years. He is not a young guy, mid 40s but has many wonderful qualities that would be an asset in the quest for a new occupation. Sadly he has not worked for over 2 years because he still thinks, or says that he thinks, that with time he will be able to return to his old position. It isn't going to happen. I know he is grieving but imo his depression is being amplified by the guilt over not providing for his family and I see this as a direct result of his denial.

I also know a woman who was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, but to her it isn't MS it is a pinched nerve and she won't consider medication because "she doesn't have MS". I'd be totally on board if her rationale was that the meds aren't even proven to be all that great and she just isn't interested but watching her decline while still blaming her pinced nerve is very difficult.

rph3664 · May 27, 2008

There is no disease where denial is more profound or universal than diabetes. Since you're all health care professionals, I do not have to explain further.

Just yesterday, I saw a black actress (don't recall her name) on Jay Leno who has lost a lot of weight recently, and she said it was because she had been diagnosed with Type II diabetes and decided to do something about it. She addressed the denial that takes place, especially within the black community, about this disease, and how, when she was growing up, it seemed all the adults had "sugar problems" and it seemed that everyone had an aunt or uncle who had had at least one leg amputated but she never realized why until now, and she doesn't want this to happen to her or anyone else.

When I was a teenager, I knew a woman who was very emphatic that her son's developmental delays were due to his prematurity, and that may have been a factor BUT it was obvious to anyone with eyesight that this little tyke had Down Syndrome. She and her husband were in their mid 20s so that may have been a factor in her denial.