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Why wouldn't this cost of living hack work for California?

Nurses   (6,880 Views 160 Comments)

myoglobin has 11 years experience as a ASN, BSN, MSN and specializes in ICU, trauma, neuro.

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not.done.yet has 8 years experience as a MSN, RN and specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.

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You won't leave. But you WILL encourage her to leave a job in order to make more money to fulfill YOUR dream. You will move across the country, live apart, essentially LEAVE HER in order to have your dream. You will leverage everything you can to pressure her to change her mind about this. You WILL refuse to cultivate alternative interests/compromises while expecting her to do exactly that because you like what you like and she has to live with it because you have made no beans about it since day one, so therefore any growth of person or relationship or life circumstances in the ensuing years is just to be shoved aside.

You would be doing her a bigger favor to go ahead and leave, to be honest. I suspect the real reason you won't do that is because you need her income for this obsession to have even a mere fraction of potential, not because you love her or want a good life for her or even with her. Its all about what is good for you.

 

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LilPeanut has 8 years experience as a MSN, RN, NP and specializes in NICU/Neonatal transport.

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I see warning signs on both sides of this relationship.

You still haven't said why you stay. Is it because you think you'll look bad because you left? I understand that. But you're not helping anything by staying. 

You have nothing in common, different life goals, are not motivated by maintaining a sex life and are having to contemplate giving up your "dream". 

Just because you have a child with someone doesn't make it right to stay with them. 

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myoglobin has 11 years experience as a ASN, BSN, MSN and specializes in ICU, trauma, neuro.

504 Posts; 3,750 Profile Views

A. She works from home and thus can do her job from anywhere in the U.S.

b. Yes, I want to move to Kauai, I happen to believe she would be happier and healthier there as well, but I could be wrong. She has struggled with weight loss her entire life and the outdoor/organic culture is highly conducive to optimal health unlike Florida which is in the “obesity belt”

c. Yes her income helps me, but mine also will help hers. 360 k per year if I can match her income goes further than 180k.

d. Again whether it is Hawaii or some other independent practice state the key to maintaining or increasing our income over time is having our own practice and building loyal clients.

e. I would never make a move alone without her support and even then it would be shorter term to pay down debt.

f. You seem highly negative towards me unlike your ex I’ve never asked my SO to change anything about her appearance indeed the concept is almost beyond my comprehension.  I love my SO and if we ever broke up would never see anyone else. I find friendships difficult and relationships nearly impossible. I minimize human contact outside of work save for email or message boards.

Edited by myoglobin
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HigginsdogRN has 2 years experience and specializes in Behavioral Health.

16 Posts; 1,439 Profile Views

On ‎6‎/‎7‎/‎2019 at 10:57 PM, myoglobin said:

What’s the point in retiring, if you cannot do what you want. My parents saved their whole life for retirement then my dad died and my mom soon followed. Retiring leads to getting old and getting old leads to dying and dying to me don’t seem like all that much fun.

You should give Mellencamp credit. It's "growing up leads to growing old and then to dying."

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myoglobin has 11 years experience as a ASN, BSN, MSN and specializes in ICU, trauma, neuro.

504 Posts; 3,750 Profile Views

If I need to actually credit Mellencamp then the reader is probably to young to get it anyway. It was intended as a joke.

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83 Posts; 718 Profile Views

Myo,

Do you think your partner would be willing to read the thread and comment?

Unlike some others, I can see you two staying together- there's a long history with her, apparently she is very tolerant and very wise (keeping out of your debt, dealing with the lack of intimacy, etc.), and Aspies need love and relationship too. Can you see from some of the reactions how blessed you are to have such a tolerant partner? Apparently she likes Florida and does not want to move. Are you willing to make some adjustments and compromises in your goals to demonstrate love and commitment to her?

My suggestions have been along the line of "bloom where you are planted". Kauai is not the only enjoyable place to hike and snorkel on the planet (and TBH I think you have highly idealized it based on a long ago two week experience!)

  • Take your son hiking in the Smokys ASAP and let that be your first hiking adventure with him of many (I have a bucket list to hike in all the national parks- Yosemite and Sequoia with my teen son is next week). If he or your SO don't want to hike with you, go alone.
  • go snorkeling in the Keys and the Caribbean right nearby Florida. There are several Caribbean islands that are American- no passport needed and cheap flights from Florida
  • live on your SO's income exclusively and use every nickel of your income for the next three years- 80K/yr in Fl you said- to pay off the debt rapidly.

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myoglobin has 11 years experience as a ASN, BSN, MSN and specializes in ICU, trauma, neuro.

504 Posts; 3,750 Profile Views

She will expect me to kick in 50% of expenses once I am working and out of school that is why it is so important that I get my income closer to hers. She also doesn’t share my conviction that $85/ hr tele jobs will vanish and hence my urgency to establish our own practice in a state that will allow it. By the time I am proven correct it may be too late. She insists on being near the ocean where she can swim. No IP state other than Hawaii fits that bill.

Edited by myoglobin

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not.done.yet has 8 years experience as a MSN, RN and specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.

5,533 Posts; 44,664 Profile Views

Sounds like you have all the answers and everything figured out.

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myoglobin has 11 years experience as a ASN, BSN, MSN and specializes in ICU, trauma, neuro.

504 Posts; 3,750 Profile Views

I have the mechanics  figured out to some extent, but lack the means to persuade my SO to execute them. A good plan is worthless without the means of making it happen which is why I posted for input and was considering “off the wall” options like staying in bedside and commuting to Cali. 

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She's by the ocean where she can swim NOW. She makes 180K NOW. Hawaii is far FAR more expensive. Her child lives in Florida and maybe will be in college there.  She is rooted there - family? Friends, etc...

If I was her, I wouldn't move. 

myo, seize the day and ONE day at a time. Next week you can go hiking (Smokys). Next month you can go snorkeling (the Keys).

Send her to the thread and see what she says.

Honestly your version of the future and reality seems unrealistic and risky and I wonder if at some level you are jealous of her success (you followed her footsteps into nursing and you want to duplicate her salary, etc.... )? I also wonder at some level if you would undermine her success uprooting her and pushing for all these changes?

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myoglobin has 11 years experience as a ASN, BSN, MSN and specializes in ICU, trauma, neuro.

504 Posts; 3,750 Profile Views

She would say “why are you discussing our business without strangers”. The answer is that I have no family or friends to talk to and when we discuss these issues it ends up as either an argument or deadlock. Also we live in central Florida and are lucky to get to the beach twice per year. But, unlike me she doesn’t snorkel so clear water isn’t an issue for her.

Edited by myoglobin

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83 Posts; 718 Profile Views

44 minutes ago, myoglobin said:

She will expect me to kick in 50% of expenses once I am working and out of school that is why it is so important that I get my income closer to hers. 

OK and she is happy, settled, and successful in FL so if you make 80K you pay half the rent and expenses and put every other nickel to debt.

 

1 minute ago, myoglobin said:

She would say “why are you discussing our business without strangers”. The answer is that I have no family or friends to talk to and when we discuss these issues it ends up as either an argument or deadlock.

And why might that be? IMO It comes across  controlling that you want her to do this, this, and this that turns her life upside-down.  A woman does not feel loved when the man she loves is controlling and unwilling to compromise.  To her, it must feel like you love your dream (pipedream- I would call it) and not her and your son.

 

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