Where Do I Go From Here?

A seasoned RN finally realizes that after a couple of years of trying to pull her life together and hold onto her career, she can no longer work as a nurse---a decision that disappoints not only her supervisors and co-workers, but herself. Now, in late middle age, she must figure out what the rest of her working life will look like.......and how to reclaim the pride and self-respect that were once hers. Nurses Announcements Archive Article

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Long Term Care Columnist / Guide

VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN

22 Articles; 9,987 Posts

Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

Your daughter's struggle mirrors my own. I ALWAYS had a tough time keeping pace with the rest of the busy world, although I've worked very hard at it all my life and come very close to succeeding, at least for a while. But I had more mental flexibility when I was younger (and before I went on medication), and now it's just not there anymore.

I've finally learned not to take too much on when I'm soaring, because the crash is inevitable and I'm tired of apologizing for not being able to meet my obligations. However, I hadn't anticipated this---being unable to work in an executive-level position is one thing, but not even being able to complete a normal shift on an LTC unit without having an anxiety attack was a big shock.

When I took the job, I wasn't the least bit worried about going back to the floor; I started off very slow, and figured I'd find my rhythm and get quicker soon. But it didn't take too many shifts on my own before I realized that I'm unsafe at any speed, and with the heavy patient load in LTC I saw that it was only a matter of time until I screwed up badly enough that a resident was harmed. And I CAN'T put them at risk just to try to prove to myself that I've still got what it takes. We've all known nurses like that---nurses who should've given it up years ago and haven't (for whatever reason), and who are flat-out scary. I don't want to be that nurse.

Once again, I thank you all for understanding and supporting me. It seems that every time I turn around there's some new challenge, and I really think life's given me enough crap for awhile and needs to knock it off!! I feel like I'm in the middle of the Perils of Pauline or something. But thanks to you I'm able to drink deep of that well of caring and gather the strength to continue the fight. God bless you, every one!

Specializes in I/DD.

For what it's worth, there are about 5 posters on this site that I have a tremendous amount of respect and admiration for, and you are one of them. Your posts are honest and open, you have so much nursing knowledge to share, and I am in awe of the way that you handle the struggles you are going through. From what I've seen you have been having a pretty rough year, and as much as the opinion of a random stranger on-line probably doesn't matter, I for one hope that you continue to include us on your journey.

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide

VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN

22 Articles; 9,987 Posts

Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

Oh, but it does matter, my friend........it matters a great deal to me. :inlove: Thank you!

It IS hard to stand on the sidelines and be unable to come to the rescue when my facility has a nurse staffing crisis, like today when the LTC evening nurse called in. But I know I can't, and so does the rest of the staff, so I wasn't even asked. That takes the pressure off me to say "No", yet I still feel bad about it just because my sense of duty (and innate stubbornness!) is such that I feel I SHOULD lend a hand.

But I'll have to get over it, and learn to stop blaming myself for the things I have no control over and can't fix. Life's too short and far too precious to spend it feeling guilty!

OCNRN63, RN

5,978 Posts

Specializes in Oncology; medical specialty website.

I can relate to much of this. I've been a nurse for 28y. Two years ago I had to stop working due to the side effects of chemo. I'll never take care of another patient again. It hurts my heart to know this, because for the last three years I thought I had finally...finally...found my niche in nursing. I had a good paying job with good benefits. I felt like I was finally working somewhere that paid me according to my knowledge and expertise. That's all gone now. I miss my job, I miss my patients, and I miss my co-workers. I had to move back in with my parents and sell my car (not safe to drive); I miss my independence, but I am so fortunate to have parents who were able to take me in and who are in good health.

I do get to do some nursing related work as a paid blogger for a website related to my nursing specialty. It gives me some extra income, while allowing me to interact with other oncology professionals.

It's two years later, and I am still mourning the loss of my job. I don't know how long it will take to get over that.

I'm so glad your husband's cancer seems to be responding. You don't often see that with late stage pancreatic. Try to deal with your sadness by focusing on the joy of your good news. That may seem a bit glib, but I am sure you'd rather not have to be dealing with your grief regarding your job, and worrying about losing your husband.

In many ways, we are in similar circumstances. Feel free to pm me if you need to talk.