When will I learn? Right back where I started

[Marshall1]

Long history of depression and anxiety..over the years some of it has morphed into anger and irritability. I have tried various meds over the years, some successful, some not. The last medication was Pristiq. It worked. Not perfect but it worked. Side effects for me were minimal - at least tolerable. After some months I weaned, without much fanfare, off of it. Felt, at the time, I was in a place in life I could go without the medication and didn't want to spend the $40/month since employment was tenuous at best.

Now, a few months off I am back to the anger/rage at times, and anxiety that spurred me to get back on a medication in the first place. The depression, negative thinking..all is returning. As are the bad dreams, chest pains and inability to sometime filter what comes out of my mouth. My language has gone from a little salty at times to vulgar. I do not want to go out, work or socialize. The "defects" I see in my spouse, while normal because he is, after all, human, are now a source of my wanting little to do with him in any capacity. I feel we (or at least I) get along better with him (and others) if interaction is limited. It's not that I like being alone so much, it's just easier.

All of this is not who I am but it is who I have become - if that makes sense - and the only thing that seems to tame the beast that lives in me at least for now - is the medication - which I kicked to the curb a while back.

Logically I know I need the meds to function or at least not be a *****. The "think happy thoughts", meditate, grab a supplement from the nearest health food store do not work for me. I ask myself, how many times am I going to go through this process before I accept - not understand but accept - that for whatever reason, I cannot manage, at least not well, without medication to help me balance. I'm beginning to think there is some perverse comfort in the pain - maybe having lived with these illnesses for so long when they are absent that absence of upset in and of itself becomes an issue because it's all I've ever known.

Don't know what else to say other than I hope someone understands where I'm coming from.

[LightMyFire]

I completely understand. I'm struggling with the option to get on meds. Just don't know what to do. I don't know what else to say except you're not alone.

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

I think you have to get to a place where you accept the fact that you need some form of assistance over the long term in order to live your BEST life. You were feeling better on the Pristiq because it provided what your brain needed to function better; when you stopped taking it, things went back to "normal".

You are definitely not alone. You know my story, you've read about my struggle to accept the fact of my own mental illness and the need to take multiple medications to control it. I wish I could be "normal" without them, but I can wish all I want and the facts do not change. It took me a long time to internalize and accept that.

Everyone processes these things in their own time. You simply haven't reached the point yet where you surrender to the inevitable and acknowledge that you have an illness which cannot be managed without help, whether that help is from meds or psychotherapy or a healthy lifestyle, or a combination of the three.

Have you been evaluated by an actual mental health professional? I'm concerned about your rage and irritability issues because these can be signs of other conditions besides MDD and anxiety, and the average PCP is not trained to sniff out the nuances of psychiatric problems. I would strongly recommend you ask yours to refer you for a psych consult if you haven't had one.

Now, no one likes to do this. I remember how upset I was when my own internist demanded I see a mental health professional. I thought he was referring me to a therapist or psychologist, so when I found out that I was to see an actual psychiatrist, I was madder than a wet cat, and I told him "I'm not CRAZY, I've just had really bad mood swings all my life!" Little did I know that that psychiatrist would diagnose me correctly and save my life. So it's worth it to at least consult with someone who knows about these things, can prescribe medications, and will monitor you closely.

As always, I wish you nothing but the best. Believe me, you're worth the effort---and yes, the $$---it takes to get to the bottom of your depression and anxiety so you can carry on with your life. ((((HUGS)))) to you.

[CarryThatWeight, BSN]

I understand where you're coming from. Having gone on and off medication for many years, I have recently gone back on antidepressants. I didn't want to either, but was having similar issues as you describe. I work in oncology, where much of what we teach our patients about is quality of life. Depression and other mental health issues are quality of life issues. Why have a lower quality of life than you have to? If taking a pill or two every day helps you feel better and function better in life and relationships, who cares? It is no one's business but your own. I also understand what you mean by having these issues for so long that the absence of them can become an issue. Some of us just have such a tendency toward depression and despair because of our temperaments that we don't quite know how to function without constant angst. Are you in therapy? The right therapist can be very helpful. Best of luck to you! You're not alone.

[LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN]

You are not alone, OP

I recently stated back on Zyorexa- an atypical antipsychotic for my PTSD which is spurning anxiety/depression; it mimics my mood disorder trait that is more hypomanic periods.

Several years ago I had a psychiatrist and a counselor and saw both at least weekly and was on Seroquel, and felt great! I eventually tapered off per my psychiatrist, and was suggested to see someone for PTSD. I was going to school, working, and the cracks started to show, I found a therapist for EMDR for PTSD, and that helped, then BOOM! My symptoms began to show again; I started a job during my "seasonal episodes" of PTSD due to my trauma anniversary date.

I had to leave that job (not that it wasn't expected, but "not a right fit" at this time) and I KNEW I needed help; once I got a new job, I got a new primary doctor; she me to go see a psychiatrist again and get back on meds. At this point I was always irritable, sleepy and on edge, tearful. I felt awful inside, but was "faking it", which certainly wasn't making it better and I know better; I've always been an honest, "authentic" person, meaning, I never was good at "faking it to make it"- and certainly not with PTSD.

I currently see a psychiatrist that was taught by my previous psychiatrist-small world :). We do medication and symptom management; at this point I'm on a very low dose of Zyprexa because even though Seroquel was great, I was very sensitive to it-the worse side effects were dizziness, falling, spasms that mimic seizures.

It has been working; if I forget to take it; I am a mess; when I did forget it, it was the worst day ever I will never do THAT again. This low dose does well for me. At this point, with having PTSD and reading in the past about how there will be some type of "healing", in terms of trauma, I have stopped counting down when I will miraculously "heal"; it's complicated due to my family history and diagnosis of mood disorder trait...I know it has to be a concerted effort to be healthy, and it may involve meds; I really don't care how long. I rather be a healthy ME more than anything else, even if it means taking Zyprexa for the rest of my life.

Whatever you need-therapy and meds-find out what you need to be in the right healthy state for YOU. I need meds and a therapist and a psychiatrist. Find out what works for you.

[vintagemother, BSN, CNA, LVN, RN]

I also want to say you aren't alone. Please don't feel bad that you have to take meds. I am facing the fact that meds are indeed helping me. I've been off and on with sertraline for over 18 months. But, just in the last 3-4 months, I've taken it consistently and my life is better! Well, I actually perceive my life as better.

(But thank God, good things are starting to happen!) I think Ladyfree or someone on AN recently said that without meds, prospective employers can smell your desperation during an interview. I think this is true.

I used to think meds were just crutches, but now I have faced the fact that a crutch is supposed to be used if your leg is injured.

My life on zoloft has actually had me feeling energetic and optimistic, emotions which are emotions that I haven't felt since early 2011.

Earlier this week, When I ran out of meds for 2 days, I woke up and before I got out of bed, thought, "my life is awful! I'm never going to be able to keep this job and go to school. My poor kid is suffering cause I go to work and leave him All day! What am I doing? This life will never work."

Then I snapped out of it and realized I didn't take my meds, this line of thinking is not accurate!