When a friendship turns toxic? Treat or release?

[babsy28]

We are in our last semester Jr. year and we have formed a very tight knit group. We have all pushed and challenged each other in a great way. We are at the top of our class and I know I wouldn't be where I am right now without them.

Here's the issue: one our "members" has been slowly dropping of the radar for the last semester and a half. Not coming to classes and when she does she's miserable. She says she wants to be there but just doesn't show. Of course when it come to the night before the exams she's calling late at night crying that she doesnt get the material, she's studied SO much but shes lost, she doesnt X,Y,Z (honestly does it matter what excuse she has?)

I would normally cut my losses and move on but she has helped each one of us, and we all feel like it's our turn to help her. She just doesn't seem to want help until the night before the exam. We spend hours studying while she's out partying or worse just "taking a nap". It's starting to feel like she wants to ride off our work. She wants us to take time from sleeping and being calm the night before and spend hours reviewing material that toke days for us to learn.

The kicker is that after our last test she called us out for "holding back" material from her. She cried and said that we intentionally set her up to fail. I dont know if something is up w/her home life or if she has some other issues nor does she want to come up with a valid reason for not participating. This has turned into a one-way relationship and to be honest I just dont have the energy to deal with her. It's breaking our group apart, and I honestly dont know what I would do without everyone.

Any advice on what to do? Just ride it out and let her fall away or take the plunge and cut the cord?

[Feistn]

I said treat, but only if treating means having a "come to Jesus" talk with her. That you are willing to help her in study group, but by the time it's the night before the exam, it's too late. That you gave her lots of opportunities to study with you, and she sure could have showed up to class, but didn't. Basically, she can get help on your study days. The night before the exam, you're not going to answer calls from her. Either she wants to pass or she doesn't. Only she can decide if she'd rather party or graduate.

[Jennybrie]

Sounds like you did help her and she was unable to bounce back. Going as far as blaming you for her failure.....sounds like she needs professional help. As others have indicated she is most likely depressed and not finding the most therapeutic coping mechanisms to handle it all.

I don't know how your school operates but at mine if a student starts having "issues" we can go to the director or any faculty member to help that student. Also if there is an on-campus counselor available the group or just the two of you can make a visit.

I understand you feel you should stick with her but there is only so much you can do for her. And ask yourself if you are really helping her when she only comes to you for exams. If she needs to fail in order to see how far down she has gone, then maybe that's for the best.

Good luck!

[nurseprnRN, BSN, RN]

My first thought was, Is this woman in an abusive relationship? Not your problem, certainly, but if you do have that one more talk before you cut her loose, ask if she feels safe and if anyone is trying to hurt or control her.

[beckyboo1, BSN, RN]

My first thought was, Is this woman in an abusive relationship? Not your problem, certainly, but if you do have that one more talk before you cut her loose, ask if she feels safe and if anyone is trying to hurt or control her.

I thought about that too....also Clinical Depression.

[HM-8404, BSN, RN]

As a student you need to decide what is most important to you, getting through nursing school or getting her through. I am a student also and I see all my classmates as adults. They are not my children. When I enrolled in nursing school I never agreed to take on any additional dependents. I will help someone that is having trouble with certain subject matter, but ensuring they understand is NOT my responsibility. That is what the faculty is for. We were warned during orientation not to allow any nursing school friends to get us into their drama or drag us into the ditch with them if they go off the rails. We were told you will have to cut some people loose along the way, or end up in the ditch with them. They told us to keep focused why we are there, TO BECOME NURSES!!

Your classmate may have problems, but are you qualified to help her, do you even have the time?