Yesterday I got a call from my neighbor seeking some help. It seems that the prior evening a friend and her children fled an abusive home and sought refuge with my neighbor. The woman and her children were verbally abused, the woman explained to me that she had been sexually, emotionally and financially abused by her husband for many years and the final straw was that it had become an issue with the kids.
They wanted my help in going back to the home to obtain her and the childrens belongings. First, I directed this woman to a shelter hotline and she has since followed up and is receiving assistance for herself and her children. Then, based on the fact that her husband had been drinking all day, calling her and her kids and was escalating in his abuse and threats, I called the local police department to let them know the situation and requesting that they come to the home to allow her to remove her personal belongings.
I'm very sorry to say that they FLAT OUT REFUSED and suggested that this was a "civil matter" and she needed to hire an attorney to help her. I asked the officer if he was refusing to SERVE AND PROTECT a female citizen who was attempting to remove herself and her children from a violent and abusive situation and he REPEATED, "Yes, that is not our responsibility". He also said "We are not hired bodyguards".
Unfortunately when we arrived at the home the husband was on the front driveway and had clothes, papers and belongings flung all over, was yelling, ranting and became verbally aggresive towards all 3 of us and threatened physical harm. I immediately called 911 and requested assistance. I was transferred to the police department and they could hear this man yelling and threatening in the background. I provided the address and again requested assistance.
The KEYSTONE COPS showed up about 20 minutes later. By that time we were back in my neighbors car with the doors locked and the man was still threatening us. The cops started out by ordering us 3 out of the car, hands were they can see them, and told us not to make any "threatening moves" toward them!
The entire time we were treated like criminals, WE had to produce ID, WE were prevented from leaving and this poor woman was subjected to continued emotional abuse by the respending officers. They asked us if we had been drinking or taking drugs. As we left, they were seen providing emotional support, patting this guy on the back and shaking their heads and laughing!
I am OUTRAGED to say the least. I would like to address this episode formally with someone a little higher on the food chain. I am gravely concerned for this womans continued safety and well being and am very disappointed to discover that I have invested my life in such a "good ole boy" mentality. Even our local country club has a wing resricted to just MEN!!! Women are not allowed!!!!!
I would like to complain very loudly and publically over these "professionals" demeaner and actions but fear that it will fall on deaf ears. I am told by many friends that it won't matter because "I am not from here". Well, I'm from here now and I am a citizen who is horrified by the treatment that an abused woman gets from our local police!!!!
Specializes in Peds, Med-Surg, Disaster Nsg, Parish Nsg.
TN, first this woman is a friend of a neighbor, she and her husband have shown us an incredible sense of friendship and kindness since we bought this old house. They have demonstrated time and again that neighbors look out for one another. I don't assume it is a "Tennessee thing or a Southern thing" but rather the way humans and neighbor should be towards each other.
On the other hand, I am deeply concerned about the LOCAL POLICE DEPARTMENT and the attitude with which they responded. As I seek more information I am discovering that there are many more issues festering deep in the bowels of this organization. Since these are the law enforcement officers who are trained to protect and to serve us all in this town, the concern is great. I could just shake my head and continue to hear stories about women getting away with murder, like that wife in Selmer who shot her sleeping husband in the back. I can read about the guy in Nashville who shot his exgirlfriends puppy in the face in front of her because she wouldn't take him back.
I can just assume it's normal behavior that a Major League athlete was running a dog fighting ring in Virginia, complete with rape stands and mass graves for the losers. Since that never happened in my neighborhood it doesn't effect me or mine. We can all just bury our heads and go on about our busy lives since it didn't happen to us or our family. But Michael Vick had neighbors. That preachers wife had neighbors. They discovered the horrific aftermath of those crimes.
It's not a "southern thing or a tennessee thing". It's a human thing and it should not seperate and divide us but bring us together to confront it and stop it.
I applaud your actions and can understand your concern with the way this incident was handled. I'm sure you deal with alot of very unfortunate and anavoidable results of domestic disputes/violence in your job.
I suggest that you approach your state senator and house representative and talk with her/him about your concern and what changes need to be made for more strigent adherance to the state laws that are already in place. Many new laws or changes in existing laws originate with a single incident such as the one you speak of. With your nursing expertise and passion for victims of domestic abuse, you might be surprised at the changes you could bring about.
Could have been a better title but I agree this happens all over the country. When someone has lived in California all their life (I'm assuming here) then move to TN it is somewhat of a culture shock. I don't think Haunted is putting TN down just frustrated and could have picked a better title
I realize that it is a lengthy process. Why didn't she get some of her and the children's things before she left? He wasn't hitting her, I'm sure she had dealt with the verbal abuse for quite some time so why didn't she have her things ready? I realize that she probably left during an argument and wasn't thinking about getting much, but that's why women's shelters are stocked. That's what they expect...that the woman isn't going to go back to the home.
I didn't say that you should have been arrested for going over there, but I don't think he should have been arrested either. He yelled and threw clothes and things around.
Yes, the victims of domestic violence have to be protected but at what cost? What about the victims of FALSE accusations of domestic violence? What about the families that are torn apart because the "victim" claims to have been abused just so they can get their spouse of the house? For a long time I felt the same as you, if you can save a life then it's worth it right? But I've also seen how it can destroy lives when false charges are filed and families are torn apart because of a marital disagreement that got heated.
My ex's brother was arrested for breaking his front door. He was leaving the house during an argument, he slammed the front door open and it broke. He was arrested for domestic violence. The poor victim was crying to my ex because she wasn't allowed to be with her "abusive" husband. They ultimately got divorced because it wasn't the first time that she'd started a fight and called the police to get him taken away, before it was the MPs so no arrest was truly made.
My mother was arrested for domestic assault. She was trying to get her ex to back off of her because she was cornered in the kitchen and grabbed a knife. He showed the officers a scratch (not even bloody)and she was arrested. Her psychologist testified to her mental illness, previous physical abuse, and the minor injury was more likely to have resulted from a finger nail than a butcher knife.
So there's two incidents here in Tennessee where someone was arrested during a domestic call. One of them was in a small rural county, the other in a large county. So it does happen, the officers use their discretion in determining whether an arrest is warranted, in these cases it is simply to separate the parties. Arresting them makes it more likely that the "abuser" isn't going to return to continue the fight, at least not for a few hours.
So why are things different? Politics. Tennessee is conservative, California is liberal. But that's all I'm going to say about that because there is no good ending to it. Right or wrong, everyone has their own opinion but that is what it comes down to.
My mother was arrested for domestic assault. She was trying to get her ex to back off of her because she was cornered in the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
When someone grabs a knife it's time to call the police and ask questions once they arrive. Why take chances?
Dee, I see by your responses that you have had extensive personal experience at the hands of this issue. I suggest that it may color your perception but not cloud the discussion. Your suggestions are topical to this particular region, Tennessee and it's cultural differences. I'm not going to draw a line in the sand and place California on one side and Tennessee on the other.
I based my response on the outcome, which predictably has been favorable for all parties due to the swift actions by myself, my neighbor and the shelter that now supports this woman and her family. They have been a blessing to her and her family on a daily basis and hold no judgement regarding her actions. In short they are provviding non judgemental support and ongoing counseling for her and her children.
Nurses are the first line of defense when dealing with potential abuse, whether it is emotional, financial, sexual or physical. If I were licensed here, which I am not, and failed to report or act upon this information it could have a consequence upon my license. More importantly, it would have long term erosion to my conscience.
Too many of us sit on the side lines and hope someone else will deal with these issues, and we become armchair critics when the dust has settled. In this case, having witnessed first hand the actions of the responding officers the friends and witnesses myself included have opted to file a formal complaint against this police department.
Here, it clearly is "A Tennessee Thing" and apparently an ongoing situation. I've got nothing to lose by my continued actions. Victims of abuse may gain a lot.
No one here knows me and thats probably for the best. I'm here now though and still wondering..."What's up with Tennessee? "
Specializes in Peds, Med-Surg, Disaster Nsg, Parish Nsg.
Please do not assume this is a "Tennessee thing", but rather a "local thing" in this instance. You cannot judge the entire state by the actions of one police department.
As I suggested before, try to make some positive changes happen by taking appropriate actions. You are taking the first step by filing a formal complaint against the police department.
Haunted, I don't see it that way, I've been on all sides of the issue and am able to see it from each angle and the consequences for all parties involved. Believe me, it has taken a long time to overcome my own personal experiences to see that every situation is not like mine and all situations should be handled based on individual circumstances and not lumped together and treated the same.
You seem to insinuate that I would not do anything, that I would just sit on the sidelines. My point is that there are many ways of getting involved and helping a victim, without endangering myself and others.
But you are right, there isn't a line in the sand. It isn't a Cali thing or a southern or tennessee thing. It is the individual incident that you witnessed where you believe it was handled badly. I never said that you shouldn't file a complaint, I simply tried to show you (in the first post) the law enforcement side of it and why the situation may have been handled the way that it was.
BTW (blinkie), I agree that it was time to call the police but my mom didn't have a phone. The nearest phone was her inlaws' down the road. He had her backed in a corner and wouldn't let her leave. It wasn't until she pulled the knife that he left and went to his mom's to call the police. She would have left on her own but she had no car and nearest relatives were 45 minutes away. Which sadly is the reality of alot of DV cases.
Haunted, are you in Nashville proper? Most Nashville cops, to my recollection, were fairly decent guys. I was involved in a situation several years ago where a few were quite polite and helpful in the face of some strange circumstances. I can't account for the Berry Hill, Bell Meade, or Lakewood police forces (Lakewood runs speed traps A LOT). I don't have much good to say about the Davidson county Sheriff's deputies. Police forces vary throughout the state, as much as do people.
I've left middle Tennessee & yes, the "good ol' boy" network still does exist...but not to the extent that it used to operate. Officers are only as good as their character. My, but there are many characters out there, both North & South!
I'm glad that the woman you assisted found help through a shelter. There are several good ones in the metro Nashville area. Good on you for stepping up to the plate!
Haunted, are you in Nashville proper? Most Nashville cops, to my recollection, were fairly decent guys. I was involved in a situation several years ago where a few were quite polite and helpful in the face of some strange circumstances. I can't account for the Berry Hill, Bell Meade, or Lakewood police forces (Lakewood runs speed traps A LOT). I don't have much good to say about the Davidson county Sheriff's deputies. Police forces vary throughout the state, as much as do people.
I've left middle Tennessee & yes, the "good ol' boy" network still does exist...but not to the extent that it used to operate. Officers are only as good as their character. My, but there are many characters out there, both North & South!
I'm glad that the woman you assisted found help through a shelter. There are several good ones in the metro Nashville area. Good on you for stepping up to the plate!
El, no not Nashville proper. I agree with you. When I was living downtown the law enforcement were very proactive and a wonderful representation of what the city had to offer. The mounted officers were gracious and accomodating towards the "stiffs" and tourists but they also went out of their way to show kindness towards my old dog who has a horse fascination. During the time that we lived downtown it became a ghosttown on week ends.
My dog and I could always count on the kind officers who would patrol the river front and I never saw any act of hostility towards the many homeless "another hot button issue of mine". Perhaps it is the suburbs and the warm fuzzy cloak of cable TV and the insulation that surrounds this region. Maybe it's simply the tap water. Ironically, Johnny Cash has his home not too far from me, I wonder how he would feel if he knew what the local PD was NOT doing for women and children suffering and enduring abuse at the hands of those they should be trusting the most.
I appreciate your kind and thoughtful reply to my thread. Safe journey to you.
tnbutterfly - Mary, BSN
83 Articles; 5,923 Posts
I applaud your actions and can understand your concern with the way this incident was handled. I'm sure you deal with alot of very unfortunate and anavoidable results of domestic disputes/violence in your job.
I suggest that you approach your state senator and house representative and talk with her/him about your concern and what changes need to be made for more strigent adherance to the state laws that are already in place. Many new laws or changes in existing laws originate with a single incident such as the one you speak of. With your nursing expertise and passion for victims of domestic abuse, you might be surprised at the changes you could bring about.