What a nursing environment can be

[nursemike, ASN, RN]

I haven't posted, or even lurked, in quite a while. I think I was at a point where I needed to take a little break, and then I had a lot going on for a bit, including a serious Vampire Wars addiction, followed by withdrawal from Vampire Wars addiction, and a lot of other stuff that kept me from getting back. Have some things going on now that will probably keep me from being as regular a member as I once was, but I wanted to share some of it.

My Dad is on hospice care at home. He has developed gangrene in his heels and the docs say his health isn't good enough to survive amputation. We've been fighting diabetes-related circulatory problems for quite a while, and it seems we're losing the battle. I can't put into words how bad this feels, but many of you know, and that's not really the point of this post.

I'm a nurse. I work in a hospital with other nurses, aides, and other staff. I've been going through a tough time, as others have and some still are. I've missed a lot of work. I have FMLA and an understanding boss. I've used up a ton of paid-time-off. A number of my coworkers have donated some of their paid-time-off after mine ran out. Lately, I've been able to get some extra help at home so I can get back to work, although, even when I am at work, it's hard to be entirely at work. A lot of you know what that's like, I'm sure.

There has been a part of me that has realized I needed to get back to work to find some normalcy in my life. I don't have a wife, or kids, or a lot of close family around. I have my Dad, my cats, and a few relatives I'm close to, and I've had to give some thought to what my purpose in life is going to be when I don't have my Dad. It's almost embarrassing to admit, but I'm thinking a big part of my purpose is going to be, being a nurse. I'm still kinda processing that idea. But a thing that has influenced my thinking a lot has been the love and support I've found at my job. My coworkers took up a collection and bought me--not candy, not flowers--a bottle of Maker's Mark. When they see me, they ask how I'm doing. Sure, people do that. You come down with the flu, everyone wants you to feel better, soon. But when your heart is breaking and you realize people actually care, man, it's hard to put into words what that's like.

My hospital used to do an annual survey among our employees to rate the top 100 nurses in our facility. They've gotten away from that, and I concur, but there were and are several nurses on my unit that were routinely on that list, and deservedly so. I think most would concur, though, that we only had one true Supernurse, and our hearts were broken a few years ago when she passed away. What we have now is a nice mix of experienced nurses and newer nurses, each with our respective strengths, and yes, some weaknesses. (That supernurse was my mentor, and part of what's kept me on weekend nights--her shift--was a somewhat optimistic hope of somehow carrying on some part of her legacy. I'm proud of my whole floor, but even though a lot of our current crew never even met PJ, weekend nights are tight. None of us is a genius, but as a group, we rock.)

So, here I am, at a place in my life where I need love and support in a way I rarely have, and one place I am sure to find it is at work. Some of you will probably post your condolences, and I thank you in advance, but what I really hope you'll take from this is: this is how nursing can be. Nearly all of us care for our patients. I'm sure most of us care for each other. I'm not sure we always realize how special that really is.

[Ellie S.]

Yes, I have been a nurse for 22 years, have met many supernurses, and have become one myself :) People always rant and rave about how much I get done and know my stuff. When I worked for the pool, I was always requested back. And yes, I worked the night shift for many years, and developed relationships with many nurses in which we helped each other get through. There is absolutely no shame in you being a nurse giving you purpose in your life, because it truly does! It is a very respectable career. However, in a ll honesty, I see way too many nurses completely neglect their personal lives while being a nurse, which I have done as well. I have been guilty of having my coworkers as my only friends, and taking my work "home with me all too often." It's very important to have a life outside of your career as well, otherwise you will look back and feel lonely. I am sorry to hear about your father. It was very hard to lose my mother as well. You will of course need time to grieve. But remember to develop your own life also, maybe find a partner :) The very best to you. Ellie

[poppycat, ADN, BSN]

I lost my dad this year on Good Friday. He died of the same problems your dad is dealing with. A lot of my "identity" for the past several years was tied to being his caregiver. I don't have family close to me, either, and that's left me with lots of responsibility for his affairs both when he was alive & since he died. It's very easy to slip into letting "nurse" become your whole identity but it's not really healthy. When my dad went into hospice, the social worker told me my only job was to be his daughter. It was very hard for me to separate from my nurse persona because that's what I've been for 35 years.

I'm so glad to hear that you have supportive coworkers. That makes things much easier as far as your work life goes. You also need to find some outside activities to help you "debrief". It's exhausting caring for a loved one & you need to make sure you take care of yourself, too.

[jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B]

There is a great deal going on in your life. But if you continue a legacy of a mentor, that is such a tribute!! A mantra could be "what would pj do???" That, in itself, is not any reason to feel guilty about a nursing life purpose.

It is not wrong to think about your future. And I am sensing a bit of guilt--and I could be reading more into your post than you intend. It is ok to say "I am gonna rock it as a nurse when all is said and done". Thankfully, you have an amazing team that surrounds you. Perhaps leading that team is in your future.

The universe has a way of working itself out.

Respite care is not necessarily a bad thing.

You can and should take off your nursing hat when you get home. Just because you know how to do something, doesn't mean you should. There are times that you need to let someone assist your Dad other than you. And that's ok. No one is going to judge you for that--except for maybe you. And stop it.

Dealing with terminal illness of a loved one is a process. Thinking about your role in the future is as well. You may decide to start a support group for others that are in your same situation. And there is probably more than you know.

I wish you all the best, may you be where you need to be, trusting your instincts.

[Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN]

I lost my dad this year on Good Friday. He died of the same problems your dad is dealing with. A lot of my "identity" for the past several years was tied to being his caregiver. I don't have family close to me, either, and that's left me with lots of responsibility for his affairs both when he was alive & since he died. It's very easy to slip into letting "nurse" become your whole identity but it's not really healthy. When my dad went into hospice, the social worker told me my only job was to be his daughter. It was very hard for me to separate from my nurse persona because that's what I've been for 35 years.

I'm so glad to hear that you have supportive coworkers. That makes things much easier as far as your work life goes. You also need to find some outside activities to help you "debrief". It's exhausting caring for a loved one & you need to make sure you take care of yourself, too.

((HUGS)) I am so sorry for your loss.......

I lost my dad in 2009...has it really been 4 years? I still miss him everyday, the pain is not as acute and crippling....but it aches everyday.

You sound like a good son....and you are lucky to have a supportive work environment. Become the mentor that you so admired. I had the perfect job once where I had wonderful mentors....a place that had my back....think or thin. A collaborative work environment that facilitated learning. We respected each other and cared about each others lives......I left it when I met my husband and moved across the country and never found that magic again.

Mike you have riches beyond your wildest of dreams....a place that pays you to be there that you love and loves you.

Onward friend.....((HUGS))

[llg, PhD, RN]

I've been thinking about some similar "self-identity" issues myself lately. I am 58 years old and beginning to think seriously about retiring in another 5-7 years. My sister (a former school teacher) has already retired -- and her life of social activities and leisure seems too empty to me. I can't yet imagine being happy not doing some kind of work that at least tries to help people and make the world a better place.

Like you, NurseMike, I am single with no kids. While I have friends and a few hobbies, I get most of my sense of place in the world through my nursing career and the people I work with. I'm not always happy in my work, but I can't imagine life without it.

[nursemike, ASN, RN]

Thanks for the replies. I didn't mean to say I planned to make nursing my whole life, but several of you have prompted me to realize avoiding that may not be something that just happens. Nursing can be what I do for others, and meanwhile I can be figuring out what I can do for me. And maybe some other kinds of stuff for others. But I think I may have to work at it, a bit.

As jadelpn alludes, there is an element of guilt that arises when I find myself thinking about my future. There are activities my Dad and I both enjoyed that we haven't been able to do much for a couple of years, and not at all, lately. Sometimes, when I need to shut my brain off, I go on line and shop for tents. I love birding, and I think it might be fun to go places to camp and watch the birds. I've pondered whether to sell our fishing boat. Fishing was more Dad's thing than mine, and I might be better off with a kayak. And when I think of doing these things without Dad, I feel like crying.

My religious beliefs are kinda vague. Not so much vague as hard to explain. But I do try to believe Dad's future is actually better than mine, and that in time my future will be the same as his. It's not easy to reconcile that with my fundamental belief that life is sacred. I guess what I mean is, sacred while it lasts. It's easy enough to console the family of a deceased patient that they are "at peace" and "in a better place." I'm not insincere about it, but it's so much harder to tell myself. I want my Dad here, in this place, for a long time to come.

I've also had to consider that retirement, which is years and years away, is just around the corner. In June, I'll have been at my facility for 15 years. It went by quick. In another 15, I'll be 71, and I doubt I'll be working. Like a lot of people, I tend to think: Woohoo! Retirement! And, I suspect like a lot of people my age, I sometimes wonder: OK, then what? But I am making an effort to be more conscientious about my health, in the hope that will add to the Woohoo! factor.

Although I've been away from AN a bit, and may not be as active in the future as in the past, I do think about many of you I have "met" here. This is--usually--another example of a supportive nursing community. There's a little drama, sure. Heck, my unit that I've been bragging about isn't entirely free of drama. A little salt adds savor to the butter. Those of you who've seen all my posts may not find it hard to imagine my management may shudder at the idea of me as a mentor. But I do feel I have some nuggets of wisdom to pass along, between inappropriate outbursts, and a lot of them I've stolen...er, borrowed...from many of you.

[nursemike, ASN, RN]

I've been thinking about some similar "self-identity" issues myself lately. I am 58 years old and beginning to think seriously about retiring in another 5-7 years. My sister (a former school teacher) has already retired -- and her life of social activities and leisure seems too empty to me. I can't yet imagine being happy not doing some kind of work that at least tries to help people and make the world a better place.

Like you, NurseMike, I am single with no kids. While I have friends and a few hobbies, I get most of my sense of place in the world through my nursing career and the people I work with. I'm not always happy in my work, but I can't imagine life without it.

As noted, I still have more questions than answers, but I think we're both looking at some way to fulfill the tasks of our generative phase without suffering the indignities of sex and childbirth and that kind of stuff. It occurs to me that we have a pretty useful skillset. It further occurs to me that a lot of the stress in our careers has to do with our need to earn a living. Maybe it isn't the job that's killing us. Maybe it's the paycheck. Maybe some sort of nursing without pay would be fun. (I know, it sounds absurd. Why would anyone do this, if not for the big bucks? Well, and the glamour. And, I know, I just posted a bunch of nice, happy stuff about my job. Doesn't mean it isn't also killing me. I have nice things to say about smoking, too.)

[jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B]

Well, just to throw it out there, birding is a huge sub-culture in a lot of areas. I would so get involved in your local birding group. Additionally, I dunno, I think that perhaps you have some teaching in your future. You are certainly intellectual, well spoken, and have been such an experienced nurse, that I think it would be something to consider.

One of the biggest tributes to your father would be to teach others what he taught you. Big Brothers, Scouting, the local "Y".....

Just thought I would send out those thoughts for the future....

[llg, PhD, RN]

.... It further occurs to me that a lot of the stress in our careers has to do with our need to earn a living. Maybe it isn't the job that's killing us. Maybe it's the paycheck. Maybe some sort of nursing without pay would be fun.

Exactly. I think we are on the same wavelength here. I actually value/believe in the work that I do and care about the people I work with. It's the burden of the "job," of having to put up with the crap because I need the paycheck ... that I long to free myself from. But if I was free of that burden, I think I would still want to do some of the work itself.

And I agree with many others ... it's good to take care of yourself, too.

[nursemike, ASN, RN]

Just a quick update: Dad passed away May 30. It was merciful. After what had been one of his better days, he just stopped. My cousin and I were with him--he'd wanted to sit up in his chair. She, and I, and every nurse who crossed the threshold remarked that he had rallied. Funny how you don't see it at the time. I have no clue why it happens, but it feels like a gift to be able to remember a loved one, if not at his best, at least not at his worst. I knew this would be hard, and it is. I know I'll be okay, and I will. For the first couple of weeks, I thought I was managing pretty well, but the past several days have hit me like a ton of bricks. I probably should have seen that coming, but, like rallying, it's a lot more obvious in retrospect.

I called off work, tonight. It wasn't easy, keeping it together at work last night, and today I hardly slept. But my crew would make any of you proud to be a nurse. It's embarrassing to admit, but one of my fears has been falling apart in front of everyone at work, even though I've seen how they've supported me. Well, I'm a guy. Being emotionally stunted is my birthright. It did occur to me that what I really should fear is getting so caught up in my own concerns that I miss something important or do something stupid and fail one of my patients. I've been trying to be careful, and whether through kindness or prudence, I haven't been getting the toughest assignments, lately. Tonight I'm not even sure I'm safe to drive, much less to work. So I'm staying home, riding it out, and hoping I can get it together for tomorrow night. As far as finding my higher purpose, I think I'm going to trust that that will reveal itself in due course.

Faith. It seems like such a big word should have more syllables.

[llg, PhD, RN]

You are in a sad place right now ... but isn't it wonderful that you had a Dad worthy of genuine mourning? As sad as you are right now, it is right and good that you feel your father's passing deeply. Don't be afraid to wallow in those feelings for a while. Allowing yourself to feel them fully will help you honor him and your relationship properly, which will make it easier to focus on other things when you need to.

Hugs,

llg