I've worked as a home health aide in a retirement community since last fall and deal with people in all conditions, from bedridden to completely independent. Most of the patients, especially the ones who are already ill when I meet them, I don't get too close to because, deep down, I know their time is limited. But the independent ones are more difficult to distance myself from.
Since last October I have worked with an elegant, charming woman, J. I started out spending 2 hours a week with her to help her read her mail (she has glaucoma) and take her to the grocery store. She and I hit it off right away and she trusted me with every aspect of her life and care. In January she had a series of dizzy spells that resulted in daily ADL assistance. 4-6 days a week I provided her care, and I still spent extra time with her to go to the grocery store. I was her strongest advocate. I pushed to alleviate her concerns, to get her voice heard and to make her as comfortable as possible.
At the end of May, J had a stroke. I was the one who found her in bed, feeling ill, I was the one who called the medics since she had one-sided weakness and slurred speech. I was the one who gave her medical history to the medics.
After a stay in the hospital, J wound up in the rehab unit. She was in decent shape, but was unable to stand or walk on her own. She really wanted to go back to her independent apartment, but I had a feeling this wasn't going to happen. I met with her weekly to assure her that she'd be taken care of, to encourage her to continue her therapy. I kept in touch with her aides, nurses and social worker to make sure she was receiving the best care possible. When her only family came into town I was their liaison. The last time I spoke to her, they had decided to move her to assisted living, and I promised to take her for a tour of the building in the coming weeks so she could see where she would be living, and assured her that she would be fine there.
Last Tuesday the aides found her unresponsive and sent her to the hospital. She suffered a large hemmoragic stroke and was placed on a ventilator. On Friday her family decided that she would not want to be on a ventilator (I agree), and took her off it. She died later that day.
I did not know until yesterday she had even been hospitalized again or that she had passed away. The social worker came up to me and thanked me for all the things I had done for J and said I was a very important part of her life. And then she told me that J had died.
I couldn't help it. I teared up. I had other patients to see, though, so I kept my composure and finished my day at work. I was really fine until I started to go to sleep and began to process what I had learned that day. Her death was so unexpected that it made it harder to deal with than the other deaths I have faced so far. My boyfriend (a paramedic) noticed my tears and when I told him I was sad my patient had died, reprimanded me, reminding me that I can't get attached and I'm just going to have to learn how to deal with this or I will have a miserable career. Today I'm okay.. a bit blue, seeing her name on the list of "losses", but able to see my patients with a smile on my face.
I think I am dealing with it, but I don't think there's anything wrong with a few tears to process the loss and say goodbye. I don't think this means I was too attached, just that I was devoted to the welfare of my patient. I worked hard for her, and I will miss her company dearly.
Was my reaction to her death out of line? Am I doomed to a miserable career?
you acted like a HUMAN who has feelings. when we shove them away for too long they'll just all come out at once-unexpectedly. I have cried about patients over the past 18 years and still give the best care to my patients because I treat tehm like humans. People who work in trauma or the ER(paramedics) sometimes need to distance themselves more since they need to think fast and can't have emotions in the way of the emergent treatment they are providing(although most will rehash it much later...)
I just can't help but think what an asset you are to your patients.
Please, always feel free to be human and remain honestly attached to all of your emotions. They are what make you warm, caring, approachable, effective, and whole.
Those that have become hardened have lost a very important part of themselves.
No way!!! You are a fantastic nurse if you showed emotion.....I would rather have a nurse caring for me that showed emotions over a cold uncaring emotionally detatched nurse any day.......I agree ..some patients you just get closer to than others...it's almost like when people either click or they don't...just because of their personalities.......I have 2 nurses that have been with us for years..one for 9 years and one for 7 years..and they ARE like family to us......they are very professional in their job...but they are also human............As for your boyfriend reprimanding you for caring.......tell him to put a rubber band around his head and snap out of it......... sorry to be so forward but he spends a very brief amount of time with patients so he really doesn't have time to feel any attatchment pretty much..I mean I can guarantee there are patients he has wondered about after as to how they did, did they make it etc etc etc....if he says he doesn't he's a bold faced liar...or very strong to put up that wall................. You on the other hand have spent lots of time with the woman so you got to know her very very well......I wish every nurse could be as caring as you obviously are.....I hope you can give yourself a big pat on the back for a job well done & I bet you don't even realize the impact you have had on that woman and her family.............really amazing! ........I hope you will focus on the good times you had with her...& that will cary you through...don't ever lose that quality!!!
Specializes in pedi, pedi psych,dd, school ,home health.
One of the big differences between EMTs and nurses is that we spend LOTS more time getting to know our patients, and how you acted is perfectly fine given the amount of time you spent with this woman.
had you known her for 5 minutes and then were profoundly attached, it would be much different.
There will always be patients that touch your heart in a special way, and there is nothing wrong with that. I always said that the day i stopped caring is the day i should give up nursing and work at walmart.
i am sorry for your loss. keep your wonderful memories of this special lady in your heart...you were there for her for a reason, and she for you. God bless. Mary
You acted beautifully. Working in LTC, I have gotten to know many wonderful residents who have since passed away. There have been several occasions that I cried with the family, and many more times that I have cried at home. There is nothing wrong with that. You were such a blessing to that patient and her family. You should be proud.
Thanks so much for the replies, everyone. I had a feeling I was in the right on this one, but after the "suck it up and deal with it" response from the boyfriend I thought I'd check with people who were more within the field.
One of the reasons I became a nurse was to care for patients. I would hate it if someone told me that I couldn't. I have teared up and I have also cried in front of the family and with the patient. But I tell the family that this patient made a difference in my life. Every patient has made some difference in my life, some good, some bad, But I have learned from everyone. It feels good to cry, they are better off then I am now. I say keep caring. There is never too much love in the world.
One of the reasons I became a nurse was to care for patients. I would hate it if someone told me that I couldn't. I have teared up and I have also cried in front of the family and with the patient. But I tell the family that this patient made a difference in my life. Every patient has made some difference in my life, some good, some bad, But I have learned from everyone. It feels good to cry, they are better off then I am now. I say keep caring. There is never too much love in the world.
Well said!! There is never too much love in the world, and it does make a difference in our lives.
Otessa, BSN, RN
1,601 Posts
you acted like a HUMAN who has feelings. when we shove them away for too long they'll just all come out at once-unexpectedly. I have cried about patients over the past 18 years and still give the best care to my patients because I treat tehm like humans. People who work in trauma or the ER(paramedics) sometimes need to distance themselves more since they need to think fast and can't have emotions in the way of the emergent treatment they are providing(although most will rehash it much later...)