Today we lay to rest the husband of one of my coworkers. The news of his death haunts me and brings back memories of my first patient having a major heart attack.
I was fresh out of nursing school, working my first nursing job in a large emergency department. I was with Marie*, my preceptor, a wonderful nurse. She managed to be strong and got her job done quickly and well, but yet was gentle and had a huge heart. It was late in the evening- we get the word from our charge nurse, Jessica*, that we would be getting the chest pain patient in our room. I still remember the room (48), the layout. The lights glowed brightly overhead.
The local EMS squad flew into the ambulance bay and ran the gurney into the room. The EMTs and paramedics were themselves drenched in sweat, breathless as they gave a report.
I glanced at our new patient. A large man, although young, maybe in his early 30's. His bare chest was damp with sweat. We struggled to get the cardiac leads to sticking to him as he squirmed about the stretcher, trying his best to catch his breath and find a position of comfort. I glanced at the monitor- tombstones. Another nurse started an IV and drew blood, and registration worked on getting his information. The doctors studied his EKG as the charge nurse called to get the cath lab crew called in.
Before I knew it, it was time to go. The cath lab team was setting up the room. We hooked our patient to the portable monitor. The patient looked at my Marie, panic in his eyes as he said: "Please don't let me die". My heart sank, as I knew then, he probably would die. We unhooked IV bags from poles, unlocked the stretcher, and began to roll down the hall.
Although I was pregnant at the time, I was still able to push stretchers. I began to push his stretcher when his wife and daughter rounded the corner. I don't even remember if I stopped completely, but I did slow down. He told his wife and daughter he loved them, and they kissed him and said their "I love you" as well. Jessica began to yell at me to "GO! GO! GO!". I picked up the pace, and we rounded the corner to the cath lab. We gave report, and came back to pick up the pieces.
Jessica came up to us about 15 minutes later. Our patient coded, and they could not save him. This son, husband, father- gone, only memories left.
My heart swelled as I thought about it more. Did the thirty seconds I slowed down to let my patient and his family speak, kiss, and share their love cause his harm? I doubt it- the damage was done, and a few minutes later he would be gone. Yes, I got yelled at, and yes, it made me mad, made me want to cry, made me want to leave for that quick moment. I realized them I gave that family a moment they'll never forget. That was the last time they'd see their loved one alive, and had I kept going, it never would have happened.
Today, as we lay to rest another son, father, husband, I pray that my coworker was able to have that moment as well. I hope someone slowed down enough to let love shine through, to let the last memory be a joyous one.
Tonight, I'll go home and hug my husband and daughter tighter, and say "I love you" more than they can imagine, because I fear we won't have that last slow moment together, and we never know when it will be.
amazing! yeah,,sometimes families dont get that chance... i work as an OR nurse, and whenever we receive trauma cases, i dont get to see the family along with the stretcher..i wonder if they had that same bitter-sweet moment...sometimes people can e so cruel.. i remember having assisted in a trauma case wherein the client was almost certainly gong to die, the resident doctors where talking that they knew tha patient wont survive but was there for "learning purposes".. im sure they didnt have a hard time convincing the family to consent for OR.. its just sad that if they knew, why bother? with the expenses and stuff (this family is below poverty line btw..)and another thing the client flat-lined at the ER,, and as soon as they got it started, they immediately went to the OR...
Great job being a human AND a RN. Anyone could have pushed that guerney fast toward the cath lab, but it takes a special human to know that that extra minute would mean the world to him and his family.
Nurses, just as parents, suffer "responsibility guilt". That's what makes us great!! We care, care for patients, their families, and long to know we did it right. Sometimes we did it OK, sometimes not so well, and each crucial experience is an exercise in learning as well as realizing that we're human.
After CPR came into my life, I couldn't help but think back to the lives that might have been saved, had it been used before the time it became "state if the art". So I taught it to every hospital employee where I worked as Inservice Educator, monitored each occasion where it was used until we'd gotten a team together that was quite effective.
Things went very well consistently, and then a physician came into the room with a disgusted look on his face, pulled the plug of the defibrillator
from the wall, and grunted, "This man has cancer, renal shutdown, and pumonary edema. What are you doing?" Welcome "No CPR".
I worked in Home Health some years ago, teaching parents of a children who'd died of SIDS and now they had another baby, how to do CPR ("gently shake and shout" was agonizing for them)and utilize breathing apnea monitors, only to find out a decade or so later, that CPR isn't effective for SIDS cases..... and in fact that is the diagnostic element. How I wished that I could have avoided their reliving that awful time, but maybe they utilized the information at some time, with good results.
Each time I get recertified in CPR (just did that, for the 20th time) it changes a little as all of you know, and I think again, "what if we'd had that / did that?" So I educate as many people in CPR as I can, promote parents to take regular courses in it, and urge the purchase of AEDs for each business/facility and apartment complex with 200+ individuals there.
We can only do what we can do. On this Thanksgiving day, I give thanks for all the knowledge I've obtained, the privilege I've had to share it, and the wisdom of others with whom I worked and gleaned new ways of accomplishing the work, and all the patients who taught me so much. Let us continue being ethical professionals embracing change and sharing it with each other, to achieve better health whenever and wherever we can.
What they learned that day may have saved another patient and legions after that! That's what teaching hospitals are all about (and why it is that if given the choice, I'd go to a hospital that wasn't involved in research or teaching for my own critical treatment).
However, when it was thought that I had ovarian cancer (the link between my earlier breast cancer and ovarian ca having just been considered), I went to one of those ivory tower places, and when I awoke from what could have been extensive surgery with multi-organ removal, I looked at my doctor with his entourage of fresh young faced residents, and said, "Disappointed?" as I realized that I hadn't any tubes coming out of my dressings, and knew he'd only done a complete hysto..... for the twisted ovarian cyst I'd predicted.
You did just what you should have done because the person who yelled at you and reduced you to tears had NO idea the precious gift you gave the survivers that dark day. Unfortunately, I do. I was a senior in college and my healthy, athletic father who ate carefully dropped dead at a meeting at age 52. He had just spent a week at a well-known clinic being thoroughly examined since the plane he was flying himself and several friends back from a fishing trip had crashed due to an unexpected storm and he had sustained several fractured ribs and heavy brusing and a concussion. He had been prounounced healthy and two days after he returned home, dropped dead. What a gift that would have been if my mom and I had been given that last chance. He was buried on the day I would have graduated. I didn't attend commencement. My degree was sent to me later. Thank you so much for giving them a gift they can treasure for the rest of their lives.
lamazeteacher: most probably served other people as well and it will still... these residents are really good, i have served them on many trauma cases and they're really good. but as you have said, its what learning institutions are all about, trying to produce the best doctors...
i am also grateful that you did stop. the family is the richer for those final moments, be encourage and continue to stop at the right moments, for you never know whose's life you are encouraging.
This is a great and inspiring story. Yes, you definitely did the right thing, even if you later got yelled at for it. I like to think that this is the type of nurse I will become when I'm finally out of school.
When my father died years ago, I never had a chance to be on his side. If only I had said goodbye or whatever, it could have made me feel better. You were sensitive. We don't know for sure if you hadn't stopped, he could have been saved. We'll never know. Only God knows everything there is to life and death. Cheer up and be happy! Continue on giving love.:heartbeat
When I was in nursing school, a patient died of a heart attack and left a wife and 3 children. I felt so bad, seeing them loose a father. It still stays with me today more than 20 yrs later. Thank you for the story.
ghorjus_hunk
25 Posts
amazing! yeah,,sometimes families dont get that chance... i work as an OR nurse, and whenever we receive trauma cases, i dont get to see the family along with the stretcher..i wonder if they had that same bitter-sweet moment...sometimes people can e so cruel.. i remember having assisted in a trauma case wherein the client was almost certainly gong to die, the resident doctors where talking that they knew tha patient wont survive but was there for "learning purposes".. im sure they didnt have a hard time convincing the family to consent for OR.. its just sad that if they knew, why bother? with the expenses and stuff (this family is below poverty line btw..)and another thing the client flat-lined at the ER,, and as soon as they got it started, they immediately went to the OR...