Tips on how to grow a thicker skin without losing yourself

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Apr 27, 2006

Unfortunately I have learned to ignore people in this line of work. It is quite sad, but my survival in the field of nursing depends on effectively tuning the venomous people out of my thoughts.

It is an overwhelmingly common occurrence for coworkers to make snide comments about you when they do not think you are within an earshot. I usually choose to tune it out and ignore whatever was said, unless it's a malicious rumor being spread about me. No wonder the burn-out rate for nurses is so widespread. I love my job; however, I despise the politics that seem to go along with every nursing job I've held. The so-called 'politics' include favoritism, sabotage, gossip, and nosiness.

I just try to ignore it and do my job. After all, I'm not in the field of nursing to become friends with all my co-workers anyway. We do not need to necessarily like each other, but things go smoothly when we can place the differences aside to get along and provide good patient care.

West_Coast_Ken, BSN, RN · Apr 27, 2006

I am trying to be the bigger person and ignore it, but is it like this everywhere?

Dear Lurks,

Sadly, the answer is yes. Not only is it like that everywhere, but it is not isolated to nursing. It's called human behavior--bad bahavior but not all that unusual.

I've already heard some garbage at clinicals that pi**ed me off because of their totally unprofessional attitude (i.e. staff bitching to STUDENTS about other staff members!). I had to remind myself this stuff goes on everwhere in all work places. Maybe the close quarters of the hospital setting, dealing with the stress of life and death, and the long hours with few breaks adds to this human weakness but it is not isloated to nursing in my experience in other jobs.

Keep doing your job well and eventually even the back-biters will eventually respect you but don't worry if they do not...often these folks don't even respect themselves.

Spritenurse1210, BSN, RN · Apr 27, 2006

I am having a rough couple days finishing up my preceptorship. The work is great, I love the fast pace and the intensity. It is the people non-sense I am having a hard time dealing with.
Is there a way to graceffully distance oneself from the gossip/complaining/negativity.totally unprofessional behavior and just go about doing your job without seeming like you're not a team player? I mean, I am absoutely willing to help anyone do what ever they need if I have time, techs and RNs and docs alike. Yet I do not want to participate in sitting around complaining, or griping about my co-workers/management.
And how do I brush off overhearing co-workers make nasty comments about me? I turned a corner two different times this week to overhear my preceptor making a snotty comment about me (which, BTW, she had not even addressed with me personally.) I am trying to be the bigger person and ignore it, but is it like this everywhere?
I'm so sad today, I just want to get on my own ASAP so I can just go about my job and keep to myself.
And I'm getting reeeall tired of being told I'm "too nice.":madface: WTH, I thought that was a good quality in a nurse.

I've had to deal with that a lot in my experience. I'm not making excuses for them, they need to deal with thier frustraitions in a different manner, however in a high stress environment, people can start nit-picking at eachother (think of a room overcrowded with birds. eventually they revolt and start pecking at eachother simply because of agitation) Turn a deaf ear to them. If they really start bothering you, go to your immediate supervisor and explain all the chit chat is making you uncomfortable. then pretend they are in a chicken suit and are pecking all over the nurses's station (or wherever they may be). how can you be intimidated by something that silly?? you can't. it'll be ok :) :icon_hug:

llg, PhD, RN · Apr 27, 2006

(think of a room overcrowded with birds. eventually they revolt and start pecking at eachother simply because of agitation) :

I loved your analogy. It reminds me of that song from the broadway play, "The Music Man." The song is sung by (and about) the "old biddies" of the town who are always gossiping about each other. It is sung fast and goes ...

Pick a little. Talk a little. Pick a little. Talk a little.

Cheep, cheep cheep

Talk a lot. Pick a little more.

Pick a little. Talk a little. Pick a little. Talk a little.

Cheep, cheep cheep

Talk a lot. Pick a little more.

It's a behavior as old as human nature. It happens everywhere, varying slightly in different circumstances -- but usually present.

llg

WV_heart_RN · Apr 27, 2006

:icon_hug: here is a big hug for you! hang in there.

unfortunately people are that way. your preceptor should not have done what she did but what can you do......

i hear people complain about others on our floor all the time. they will even walk up to you and start complaining or back biting. sooo, if they approach me i listen and give a shrug and then look back at what i am doing they get the point.

it is hard to put up with and more than once i have just walked away.

APP · Apr 27, 2006

I'm not sure ignoring your preceptor is a good idea.

Why not set up a meeting and ask her if there is some way to constructively address her issues? It sounds like she does not really know how to be a preceptor: so work with her to work out how she can give you feed-back and for how you can document your progress.

As for the others, some complaining is inevetiable. But of people are griping about things that can be changed, how about saying "Hey, do you think it would help of....?" or "OK: you;ve identified a problem: do you have any solutions to offer?". For those who are sincerely interested in fixing problems, they will appreciate constructive suggestions. The ones who just want to whine will realize you aren't joining the pity-party and, hopefully, will not ***** around you.

Antikigirl, ASN, RN · Apr 27, 2006

When I come to those situations, I know that the people complaining need to vent, and I am in the best situation because I don't need to and can listen and perhaps advise on making things better! Gossip happens, so I do what I can to stay away from it, and look deeper into the reason why it happens in situations...most times I find a very sad person trying so hard to help and being hindered by something in the system...then I can focus them on aiding that!

Also, knowing yourself very well..and alowing for change in yourself is a bonus! When it comes to wanting to be 'thick skinned' in patient care I simply remind myself that I am there for a reason, I am qualified, I can do this, and I NEED to do this for the sake of the patient who can't! I put myself into perspective...I am there to provide nursing services to a patient in need, and it is a job as well as something I do like doing...who better than to deal with the situation than me or my collegues?

When things get really bad, like with co-workers or patients (and their families)...I go into work mode. This is my job and livelyhood and I can't please everyone all the time...so I make a choice to be by the book strictly or not so strictly..dependant. Sometimes if I am feeling down or no energy..this helps get me grounded again!

I also started a journal long ago..it is hillarious looking back at it! It is also so great to see how much I have progressed, and focus on trouble spots I seem to run into time and time again so I can make those better! Computers help so much there, I have mine on computer locked so only I can get to it, don't use pt names or any violation of HIPAA...and can type freely! That has been great!!!!!!!!!

And coming to allnurses.com has been a God send! :)

Good luck to you!

Lurksalot, BSN, RN · Apr 28, 2006

You guys are great. :bow: I was so sad and worried about going in for my next shift, but I feel much better after hearing what you had to say. I keep thinking this is one last test, and that it will be a good time to learn how to deal with these sorts of situations because it seems like it can happen anywhere in any workplace. Ya know, I've been employed in a few tough places outside of nursing, and got through it, but for some reason the nursing politics/attitudes/drama is just...different...don't know quite how to explain it.

I did try talk to my preceptor about the snotty comments by asking her if there was something I had done or if there was something I could improve on, and she just blew me off and changed the subject. In fact, the second time she made a comment to 2 other RNs, she did not realise that I was standing behind her when she said it, and she turned around and oops! there I was, and I heard the entire thing and she knew it. I sure felt like dirt. She turned beet red and ran off, and I followed along after her & asked her if everything was okay, we cared for an admission, and she was just super busy running around the rest of the day. She keeps giving me glowing written reviews, so I am just trying to deal with it and get the last few days done.

I'm just trying to get myself to see that it's not so personal just to me, people like that will act like that to everyone....I just need to not let it bother me and learn to brush it off and go on my way doing what I'm supposed to do. It just stinks....I know my faults, and one is that I am sensitive. I try to hide it, but you know how that goes--I hold it in and end up with a stress headache this morning from grinding my teeth in my sleep all night! :lol2:

Lisa CCU RN, RN · Apr 28, 2006

One thing you stated in your OP stuck out. You said the other nurses say you are "too nice". When you said that, I knew EXACTLY what the problem is.

You are probably very patient with your patients, do everything by the book, (or at least try to), are kind, prompt and considerate.

Your preceptor on the other hand may fake kindness with her patients and then go out into the hall or nurses station and gripe about her patients. Is that true?

I'll bet she sees your fresh and happy attitude for nursing and she's probably burnt out and tired.

In other words, in a way she's jealous AND you're making her look bad by being such a good nurse.

My advice, keep doing what you're doing and don't worry about her opinion of you.

You already said when you confronted her about it, she blew you off and this just proves that just because someone is in a leadership or mentor position, it doesn't mean they will act accordingly. She is being very immature and unprofessional by constantly complaining and gossiping, especially in front of a student.

:trout: :trout: :trout:

zaggar · Apr 28, 2006

Don't ignore this. Ignoring it makes you a passive punching bag, and they win.

Don't fight them either. Fighting them puts you on their level, and they win.

Instead - remember a few things, keep them in mind at all times:

1. It's not personal. Even if Nurse Crabby is telling a nasty rumor about you, it's still not about you. It's honestly about some human failing of Nurse Crabby, and she is just looking for someway to divert her own failings.

2. You have a goal. Your goal is to be the best nurse you can be. Having a goal puts you at a tremendous advantage. No matter what happens - complaining, gossiping, yelling, tigers prowling the hallways, rabid bats flying around - let nothing divert you from your goal of learning everything. I will illustrate with a hypothetical example:

Nurse Crabby: (to Nurse Snotty) You know, Nurse Lurksalot really has no business here.

Nurse Snotty: I hate her.

Lurksalot: Hi, you see where I left my notebook?

Nurse Crabby: How could you possibly lose your notebook?

Lurksalot: Have you seen my notebook?

Nurse Crabby: I think you need to work on your organization. You aren't very smart.

Lurksalot: Have you seen my notebook?

Nurse Crabby: Sigh. It's in room A2.

-----

You win. It's called being determined, single-minded, and impervious. You have a goal. They don't know exactly what their goal is, they just know they are bitter about something.

3. Someones opinion of you does matter - the charge nurse, or DON, or someone. Interrupt that person on a regular basis to tell them what you have been doing recently. Tell them how you are progressing. Tell them that you are learning a lot. This makes sure that the person who really matters is hearing about your progress directly from you.

Don't take it personal. Keep your eyes on the prize. Ensure the people who matter hear how you are doing your job. The recipies for success.