Hello.
Sometimes I get feelings that I sit there and think "is this normal?" So, I go to the internet and research. I get "heartbroken" every time. I come across some pretty nasty comments about people with Borderline Personality Disorder. (BPD). Even some books paint a pretty ugly picture of people with BPD. I have come across comments occasionally here about BPD.
I will be the first to admit that I can difficult to be around sometimes. But, note the sometimes. People with BPD aren't angry, clingy, and don't have black and white thinking all the time. Sometimes I am okay and "normal". Then, I have moments of extreme despair and other times, I feel extremely happy. About the trying to avoid abandonment and getting attached...this doesn't happen with every person I meet. There's actually only a few people that I felt really attached to.
I also see a lot of things that say people with BPD lie a lot. I think depends on the person because I don't like being lied to and I have severe trust issues. So, I try and stay honest with others because that's what I expect to be given to me.
I came across a post online about a person with BPD leaving a non-BPD person. The non-BPD person was upset because all they had read was that people with BPD try to avoid abandonment. I was slightly agitated at this post because they blamed the person with BPD. I feel like it's a "darned if you, darned if you don't" thing. If we are clingy and try and get someone back, we are stalkers; if we break up with someone, then we are hurting our partner and it's our fault. We can't win.
I, personally, don't like relationships not because of fear of abandonment, but because I get tired belittled. There's only so much you take. It's better to be alone than to be with someone who blames you for everything because you have BPD. I take responsibility for my share, I expect my partner to do the same. Takes two to tango (i.e. BPD people aren't arguing with themselves).
Another thing that bothers me to no end is "self diagnosing" BPD. I hate when people self diagnose or "diagnose" a friend, partner, or family member with BPD because of their behavior. Only a psychiatrist can/should diagnose BPD. It gives people with BPD a bad name when people "self diagnose" themselves and/or others to try and explain behaviors. They may or may not have BPD, but people who don't know what BPD is will see that and get a nasty picture of people with BPD.
I feel like some people make a mockery out of BPD. It's a serious mental illness. But, that being said, we have a lot of great qualities about us. I am smart, open minded, passionate (that extreme passion/feeling, if used for the good, can be great. I am learning to use it for the better and I tend to be more motivated and keep trying because of that strong feeling), and motivated.
Quick story. When I was in nursing school and taking mental health/psych nursing, I had an instructor who very adamantly told the class to stay away from people with BPD. I have had mental health issues for a long time and when I was younger, it was suspected I had BPD. I was never diagnosed because I was a kid. But, there was the suspicion right along. So, when my instructor, who is a nurse, told the class that, my heart sank and it shook me the core. Of course, many years later after other diagnoses that seemed to change every time I saw a different psychiatrist, I was finally given the BPD diagnosis.
I eventually got to the point where I just told people who wanted/needed to know that I had a "mental illness". Nothing more, nothing less. When they asked what I had, I was honest and told them...followed by "you can run now". The stigma against this illness is strong. I just expected people who knew what it was to run away from me. I got to the point where I didn't care if they did. Then, after reading and hearing many negative comments, I actually became afraid of people to a degree. Like I said, I would rather be alone. Not for fear of attachment, but because I don't want to be continuously painted in a negative way because of anything and everything I do. Sometimes when you are constantly exposed to that, you begin to believe it.
I am happy alone. I think positive thoughts about myself when I am alone. My psychiatrist tells me that I can't avoid people forever, that I will eventually need relationships. I don't know. I want to take things slow. If it doesn't feel right, then I would rather be alone.
Just some perspective from a person with BPD. Any thoughts (no personal attacks, please), comments, questions?
