This is really taking a toll on me...#Vent

[Alexa Weaver]

To begin, I am a nursing assistant on a med-surg ICU floor in Michigan. We were one of the first floors to be designated for positive-only Covid-19 patients, so it's starting to feel like the new 'normal'. However, nothing about this is like anything we are used to.

Our first positive patient was what we call a walkie-talkie. They were one of the nicest people I've ever met, and when I found out they were intubated, I was hoping it wouldn't be for long. They had CRRT. They were proned several times. They coded and were brought back. Yesterday they were terminally weaned. I know this sounds familiar to a lot of nurses out there, but I really had a lot of hope for this patient to be the one to make it out of here. They were only 51.

These are the things that really bother me:

1. The majority of our patients have no past medical history. This makes it harder for the families to understand why their loved one is so sick and why they probably won't make it.

2. The no visitor policy means that most families are dropping off their loved ones without knowing if they'll ever see them alive again. Some may get to be there as they are passing, while others will have to wait until the funeral.

3. Seeing people die every shift I work has led me into a deep depression. I love the ICU and when I graduate, I plan on applying here. But this is different than the chronically ill/chronically vented patients being put on hospice. This is death out of nowhere.

4. The thing that gives me nightmares is the fact that the majority of these patients are significantly younger than my parents - whom I live with. I try to put myself in these family's shoes, but I can't imagine what they're going through..I never had anxiety until now...

I just needed to get this out on paper, because all of my coworkers are either taking this significantly better than I am, or significantly worse by thinking that they have it or are going to catch it. I can't wait until this is all over. God bless everyone else out there going through the same thing.

[Curious1alwys, BSN, RN]

On 4/1/2020 at 11:22 AM, StillSearchingRN said:

You're not alone in severe stress and anxiety; I seriously don't know whether I'm going back to my job or even back to nursing at this point. I was hired for a non-acute position, wanted nothing to do with the higher-stress/higher-risk specialties, couldn't even qualify for them if I wanted to at this point with my lack of experience (was even shot down from attempting to apply)...but suddenly, just the fact that I'm a warm body and have a nursing license is enough to float me to the unit or the ER. It's hard to say whether "pissed off" or "scared you-know-what" is higher right now: I have no acute care background, got one 4-hour training session between the two intense/possibly-high-acuity specialties, and am now expected to float whenever they demand me to. I could clock in, thinking it's "business as usual" with my regular position and then be floated. I, too, live with my elderly mother (or, rather, because of debilitating health issues, she lives with me) who is immunocompromised. I just don't know what to do anymore. It's to the point where I'm becoming physically ill due to exacerbation of my mental health issues. On top of it, I'm losing friends who think I'm a coward for not wanting to expose my mother to increased risk and who think I'm a bad nurse for wanting to quit.

Where do you live that they are taking a nurse who has never worked in acute care and putting her on the floor? Doesn't seem like a safe situation but I guess drastic times require drastic measures.

If you have a mental health history, this is trying times for sure. Do all you can to take care of yourself! And if that means staying out of the hospital, well do it. I agree that the hospital environment is constantly changing right now, even those of us not on the "front lines" are having job stress/anxiety.

[Curious1alwys, BSN, RN]

To the OP,

I can't imagine what you are going through right now. I'm so sorry. Even those without a mental health history are struggling so take comfort in that and do your best to keep up your self care. Utilize your coping mechanisms, the ones that have helped you fend off depression in the past. You can't take care of others if you don't take care of yourself, pandemic or not.

You are hit hard because YOU CARE. Thank you for what you are doing. ?

[turtlesRcool]

On 4/4/2020 at 10:33 AM, 2BS Nurse said:

I would like to see this topic in its own forum. How many others are being asked to do this and what is the risk to their nursing licenses? Does the hospital release you from any liability if you aren't being properly trained/oriented and make a mistake?

I think this will depend on your location. I'm not sure what the BON will do, but in CT, the governor just signed an executive order to give healthcare workers some immunity from lawsuits due to "acts or omissions undertaken in good faith" during the COVID19 response. It doesn't cover gross negligence, malice, willful misconduct, etc., but it seems to be aimed at allowing healthcare workers to do their best without worrying that they'll end up in court because their best still fell short. This won't stop a facility from throwing you under the bus, if they so choose, but hopefully if the hospital has some protection from lawsuits, there will be less incentive for them to hang individual nurses out to dry in an attempt to save the institution.

[2BS Nurse, BSN]

On 4/5/2020 at 11:08 PM, RealNurseMom said:

Feeling the same as you, here in nyc. This isn’t the typical ICU population, don’t be discouraged from doing critical care. Typically we don’t see so many patients requiring intubation, multiple pressors and proning, that walk in off the street without comorbidities and just crash fast. Stay strong and stay safe. We’ll make it through this but if your dream is critical care remember nothing about this pandemic is the usual.

Just seeing 8 Alaris pumps hooked to 1 patient scares me! How can they expect a nurse to learn that in 2 days!

[toomuchbaloney]

On 4/4/2020 at 6:33 AM, 2BS Nurse said:

I would like to see this topic in its own forum. How many others are being asked to do this and what is the risk to their nursing licenses? Does the hospital release you from any liability if you aren't being properly trained/oriented and make a mistake?

Currently the federal push is to eliminate employer liabilities for putting employees in unsafe working conditions. Big shots met with the POTUS recently to get some immunity from employee lawsuits when they contract the disease in the workplace. The meat packing, first responder and health care employees come immediately to mind as hourly staff are compelled to work regardless of PPE or testing made available by their employers.

[NurseScribe]

As another RN has noted-nothing about this situation is normal. Don't beat yourself up for being depressed. Losing one patient hurts. Losing more patients hurts even more. We are all dealing with way more than we bargained for. 

  It would be best if you got some help-talking to someone, medication to keep the downs from going any further, exercise, sunshine, etc. Please Don't say you don't have time. If you are drowning you can't save anyone else. Don't be embarassed to say you're feeling overwhelmed. Pandemic stress is real and it hits all of us.