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Discussion

Thinking about quitting (yes, one of these)

I already know I have high anxiety and I am already seeing a therapist and am considering meds. So that's out of the way.

I started nursing school because it was my first step toward grad school (midwifery specifically, but also open to a couple other career choices). I know I don't want to be a hospital floor nurse - at least, it would take a field I feel very passionate about for it to be my thing. So, right when I started, I also separated from my spouse. It was a long time coming - I actually dropped school after being accepted the first time a year prior because of marital issues. So now I'm a single mom and trying to push through school.

Here is the bulk of my issue. My mother is/was type 1 diabetic. My family is really quite awful and we no longer have a relationship and I have lots of traumatic stress issues related to growing up with her health issues (near car accidents, neglect, being solely responsible for her survival at times, not being allowed to call 9/11, dealing with her being combative, etc). I've had multiple panic attacks through the semester, but with therapy I've been able to keep coming back, manage my bodily responses and deal with the anxiety. I make good grades, I catch on pretty quickly to the concepts....but it's the hospital that is getting to me. Last week was especially bad. I had had a terrible week anyway, so I tried to have all of my coping mechanisms ready, but then my assigned patient was disoriented and unable to communicate well. I came close to a panic attack twice....managed them during the hospital, asked for help from my instructor, etc. But then I fell apart at home. I know I need to be on meds (that's my priority at my next appointment) temporarily to get through, but I'm scared I can't make it through school. I hate being in the hospital. I can't breathe, I feel like I'm on fire. I kept thinking as I learned more about what to do and gained more confidence I might at least be able to manage it better through school. I keep thinking if the goal is worth it, I can push through (because I've done that for a lot in my life - again, I'm used to anxiety!). But it's sucking the life out of me in ways that are really scary for me and I don't know what to do. I feel like I am screwing up my life if I quit.

I'm not really sure what I need - maybe to get ideas and responses from people who don't really know me well? A more objective view point? My friends keep encouraging me to push through because they know my life situation...and they aren't wrong. They just keep saying I'm too hard on myself and need to let go of being type A, perfectionist and relax. I do tend to be that way, but I feel like that's all the stuff I can manage much more easily. It's just I honestly feel like I can't survive this and I want to run far far away from the hospital, which is what my education is centered around at this point!

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    I want to encourage you. I have to be honest. I developed anxiety when I became a nurse. A major panic attack was my introduction to residual generalized anxiety after a shift on the floor. Nursing is stressful. Ive learned how to overcome anxiety without long term medications, but if you are keen to trying medications, it might be very helpful to you before you make any other decisions. I've been contemplating leaving nursing off and on for years, and that's ok. Dont let others make you feel bad if you decide nursing is not for you.

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    You "hate being in the hospital"? Then maybe you should consider a different career?

    People who "encourage" you does not mean they are always steering you in the right direction. Forcing yourself to do something you "hate" just to do it may not be the best option. Only you can decide how you want to live.

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    I think first try meds. If that doesn't work, consider another career. You will have people's lives in your hands. You can't be having panic attacks.

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    I'm not sure how you plan to eventually be a midwife if you are having panic attacks at the hospital. Grad school will be just as stressful and being responsible for delivering babies--well, let me just say that many things can go terribly wrong even when mom is healthy and the baby has been doing well.

    It sounds like you have many things playing into your anxiety. Continue to ask for guidance from a mental health professional before you give up, but also know your limits.

    You will make the decision that is best for you.

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    You "hate being in the hospital"? Then maybe you should consider a different career?

    People who "encourage" you does not mean they are always steering you in the right direction. Forcing yourself to do something you "hate" just to do it may not be the best option. Only you can decide how you want to live.

    Actually I wasn't "steering" her anywhere. She was looking for viewpoints not judgements. I was looking for neither. Life decisions aren't always so cut and dry so that one just "quit"s at the drop of a hat before considering other options.

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    You "hate being in the hospital"? Then maybe you should consider a different career?

    People who "encourage" you does not mean they are always steering you in the right direction. Forcing yourself to do something you "hate" just to do it may not be the best option. Only you can decide how you want to live.

    There is more to nursing than just acute care

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    Are you looking to be a home birth midwife? If so (depending on your states laws) you could look into becoming a certified professional midwife, or find someone to apprentice under. Also, have you ever been at a natural birth? I am a trained birth doula, and there is a crazy amount of stress and tension surrounding birth, will that trigger your anxiety or is it just the hospital setting that triggers it?

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    Over the years, I have come across a lot of nurses who are attracted to their careers out of a desire to 'fix' people - beginning with their dysfunctional families of origin. I'm not a behavioral health expert ... it's just an observation. Anyone else work with an OCD nurse who begins to decompensate with any deviation from her/his routine? Have you ever come across a coworker sobbing her heart out in the bathroom after an unpleasant encounter with a patient/family/physician? What about our colleagues who self-medicate to avoid the pain/anxiety? It takes soooo much energy to maintain the facade. Nurses are natural 'fixers', but we need to first fix ourselves so we have something left for our patients.

    Take care of yourself hun. You are worth it.

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