Ok, so I kinda need to get this off my chest, since the people who would understand it the most, are you guys. So last week, I had this patient who was 45 years old, and had cancer. She had a hx of ovarian CA, and came into the hospital with c/o abd pain. after ct scans and the whole nine yards, they thought it was an sbo. and they also though the cancer had spread all throughout. So then they were going to take her to surgery to see what they could do, and when the opened her up, they found a tumor that had covered her intestines, and stomach, they had to sew her up and take her back. By the time I had her, she was for the most part comatose, had a morphine drip, resps were labored, and the family was just waiting. This woman had a huge family, 2 young kids, and a husband. Im only 20 and her daughter had to only be maybe 3 or 4 years younger then me. The first day i had her they didnt expect her to make it through the night. then we didnt think shed make it through my shift. well she did, and 3-11 and night turn, until i had her again the next morning. Family came in and out all day, some stayed. Her sisters and kids mostly. They never called out, and never needed anyone in the room, so when they put their light on at 2:30 i knew something was wrong. Walking into that room, my heart hit my stomach :imbar . All the family, just stared at me, crying, and the poor woman was taking her last breaths. They wanted me to listen to her, and i did, knowing i wasnt going to hear anything. She didnt have an apical. and wasnt breathing anymore. But they silence.........that was the worse. they all waited, hoping that i was going to tell them, their worst had come true. Looking at her poor daugher, and her family and saying im sorry, was by far the worst thing i have ever had to do. The daughter lost it, she became hyserical, and my heart went out to her, to lose your mother at such a young age. I left the family, and walked out, and i just wanted to cry. it took all i had not to just lose it. I will never forget the scream her daugher let out. I left work that day, and i couldnt forget what happend, i still cant, and i dont think anyone except other nurses, would understand, what its like to tell a family member their loved one died. I have had one patient die before, she was 90, the family knew it was soon. Not that that justifies it, but it seems so unfair that a 45 year old with kids and husband died. I dont know, but thanks for letting me get that out, i just needed someone to listen, and to know where im coming from, so thanks :)
So sorry you had to go through that so soon, Vennie. I've been on both sides of this; as a family member and as the nurse. As a family member, I can say thanks for just being there because that's what counts. As a fellow nurse I'm saying I'd be proud to work beside you; sounds like you didn't flinch. It's true what they say that if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger. This probably is about the toughest thing you'll ever have to do and you came through it. Give yourself the pat on the back you deserve, let the pain go but keep the compassion with you for the future. You rock!
thanks everyone for your words, it helps to know that, Im not the only one whos had to do this, its just hard, but you all are the best, (hugs to you!)
It is so difficult when the patient is young and has a young vibrant family. LAst fall i had a patient in similar circumstances that i had gotten close to. She was a 38 year old woman with 1 son age 22, and 2 daughters twins at age 16. She was a single parent. She knew she did not have long, but was expecting a first grandbaby from her son in november(it was sept). Her only dying wish was to look at her new grandbaby, she never made it. She died on my shift and consoling those young girls and holding my composure was the hardest thing i ever done. I think about them often. I think as nurses if we lose that emotional edge that made us want to be a nurse in the first place we fail at being the best nurse we can be.
Been An Rn For 39 Years And I'm Still Practicing. My Main Areas Of Practice Have Been Peds And Medicine. Throughout That Time I Have Probably Been With Hundreds Of Patients And Families At The Time Of Death. It Never Gets Easier But I Have Always Regarded It As A Privilege That I Was There To Help And Share The Process. Death Is Not Frightening. It Is Truly Something Beautiful And Being Able To Help The Patient And The Family Feel Comfortable And Loved Comes With Time. Our Higher Power Directs Us, This Is For Me One Of The Most Important Parts Of Being A Nurse. I Realize I'm On My Soapbox But There Comes A Time When We Put Our Own Feelings Aside And Do For The Ones Who Need Us.
I read your story quite by accident but I felt that must say something. Your reaction, whilst ovbiously very upsetting to you, sounds like it was entirely appropriate for the family and, for that, they will never forget you and your kindness. It may not seem like much now but it will, hopefully, put things into perspective later down the line.
The job that we do is one of the hardest imaginable things from an emotional angle and we would be sad and sorry individuals if we didn't take on board some of our charges worries and woes!
I, personally, have been doing this job for quite a number of years and I work primarily in trauma ICU so I have, unfortunately, been witness to more than my share of similar situations. I can honestly say that I have absolutely no problem with showing my emotions in these situations. I found that it works for me. I will do what I can for my people and, if the need arises, I get myself out the back and cry like a baby! Trust me, it is good for the soul!
On one level I think you are right. No-one ever truly understands this unless they go through it. If you have some good people in your workplace don't be afraid to let them help you through this stuff. It is a sign of a normal person to be upset by this.
A previous respondent said that it never gets any easier. They are right. It doesn't. I think that it is a good thing that it doesn't, 'cos if I felt nothing it would be time to get my coat and head for the door!
You'll be fine, 'cos it sounds like you are doing all the right things. Just keep on keepin' on and remember........there is ALWAYS ice-cream for the bad days!!
Handling death is perhaps the most emotional part of nursing- for some reason it effects everyone that cares for the patient. Unfortuneately we don't have a care plan for nurses on how to deal with theirselves on dying patients. Many times I have looke at a dying patient and wondered what in the world they could have done that was so horrible for them to be dying in such a manner-the pain and suffering-and how much more morphine before
any of their pain eases. Other deaths I have witnessed have been absolutely beautiful-with all the family around the loved one no one fighting or blaming each other- everyone holding each other and the loved takes their last breath and passes. I remember when my own father passed away and how the television was softly playing in the background and as he was taking his last breaths a bell started ringing on the television-his last breath was with the last ringing of the bell-it was beautiful. I try to help my patients families see death as a beautiful experience.
I have a friend and co-worker who used to do Hospice care. She said you have to look at deaths like birth..some are easy, some are difficult. some are welcomed, and some aren't ready yet. There's always going to be some deaths that are hard to deal with. Just think of the comfort and help you can offer someone going through that crisis. I feel God puts us in those situations for a reason; he knows who needs to be there.
I'm pretty new to this website forum, but your letter is the best reason I can think of for this website to exist: just so you can talk to, and be listened by, other nurses. Your caring, kind heart is really evident and I hope you feel just a touch better by sharing your story.
During my second placement this week, I helped to look after a rta patient who is only young.It was a 'hit & run'. One of his daughters had recently had a baby, so when I entered his room, it was heart-rendering to see the picture of his grandchild next to him in the bed and I tried to fight back the tears. His wife is also a nurse, so I know it's going to be a real privilege to provide care for him and his family, and at the same time, challenging emotionally-speaking. We all keep upbeat as his partner informs me that he has a wicked sense of humour. Needless to say, it is difficult to 'switch off' and for me personally, having had my partner in ICU and about to have surgery next month, I do think it's hard to manage now and again. We're all human. Look after you!
I think the best nurses are the ones who can put themselves in the families shoes, who can cry with family, or who grieve in private when it's over.
Life seems so unfair sometimes. The younger the patient the harder it is for me. I've held a dying child when the parents could not. This almost made me quit nursing, that was 20 years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday.
My only solace in situations like these are to remind myself that the person who passed is now in Heaven, happy and pain free and that death is only painful for those of us who are left behind to mourn.
Chaya, ASN, RN
932 Posts
So sorry you had to go through that so soon, Vennie. I've been on both sides of this; as a family member and as the nurse. As a family member, I can say thanks for just being there because that's what counts. As a fellow nurse I'm saying I'd be proud to work beside you; sounds like you didn't flinch. It's true what they say that if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger. This probably is about the toughest thing you'll ever have to do and you came through it. Give yourself the pat on the back you deserve, let the pain go but keep the compassion with you for the future. You rock!