The Exposure

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She felt the lump but she didn't acknowledge its presence. At least, not at first. "It's probably nothing," she told herself. She didn't have time to deal with it. She didn't want to deal with it. Her Mother had died from it, her sister was fighting it. She couldn't even acknowledge what it was, just called it it. She knew what it was. She grieved every day for her Mother, and she sent her sister money and get well cards. She continued going to work and taking the kids to soccer games and making dinner. It wasn't going to happen to her. She was only thirty-eight. She made an appointment anyway, "Just in case" she told herself. The appointment was made for two weeks, so she rearranged the boy's dentist appointments and arrived on time. "A mammogram" the health care provider ordered, so she nodded, agreed and shuffled the kids' activities again. She had her on- again- off -again boyfriend helping with the shuttling of the kids. He could be depended on for that. It wasn't until the cold machine pressed against her body that she thought for a brief moment that maybe something could change.

She got dressed and shook off the feeling because she really didn't have time. She stopped at the grocery store on the way and thought about it briefly- but then she was home and they needed dinner and help with math and "Mom, did you remember I had a science project due this week?" The boyfriend was nowhere to be seen, but he did that sometimes during the week, especially after having the responsibility of the kids for a while. But two of the three kids were his, so she knew he loved them. He was always there when he was really needed.

She got the call the next morning. She had put two of the three kids on the bus and one was home sick. The boyfriend had come home last night so he was able to take over sick care while she went to work. She was sitting in her car and hadn't turned the key when her cell phone rang. She heard the words like she was far away, and it was someone else's body. "A lump, probably benign, but we made you an appointment for a biopsy in two days." She ended the call and sat there for a few minutes, in the driveway, feeling like a stranger in her own body. She wondered about that word "Benign." She had heard that somewhere before. Then she remembered. That was what they told her Mother before...she didn't entertain the thought. She started her car and drove to work and didn't remember getting there. The word biopsy kept running through her head. "They are going in there," she thought-and she couldn't identify what she felt.

She called her sister the next day, told her what was happening to her tomorrow. She wasn't sure if the phone call was helpful, or made it worse. She heard the words "Chemo, and radiation" and she didn't like how they sounded. She told the boyfriend, who held her close and said "I'm here for you honey." She asked him to come with her and he said of course. Was it just her imagination or did he clear his throat before he agreed? "I can't crack up now" she thought "And become one of those super emotional women. It's just a biopsy." But she couldn't get her Mom and her sister out of her mind.

The next day the kids went to school and she went in for her biopsy. The boyfriend came, like he said he would. She signed paperwork and changed into a cold thin gown. She felt more exposed then she ever had in her life, even when she had her kids. She was wondering about the science project at school that day as she lay down on the table. The boyfriend took a seat in the corner next to her. A sonographer came in with a nurse. They were all smiles and friendly. They explained what they were going to do and the nurse took her blood pressure while the sonographer put cold gel on her breast and moved a wand to get a picture. Then the Doctor came in and introduced himself, confident in his professionalism and explained the procedure. He showed her his biopsy gun, and she wished it had a different name. He asked if she had any questions and she didn't, so they began. As he numbed the area on her right and started to proceed, she closed her eyes and held out her hand. Her boyfriend held her fingers as he sat next to her left. Her bravery was beginning to slip.

The nurse stood at the foot of the table, charting as the procedure began. The area was numbed. The wand was placed over the area and the lump was seen on the screen. The woman on the table looked over once at the picture and then quickly closed her eyes again. She saw her Mother's face, and she wished she had her there. The Doctor loaded the biopsy gun, calmly used her first name and said, "I'm going to go in now, and take the sample. Then we will send it to the lab for testing and it will all be over." The room became silent, the air heavy with scientific knowledge mixed with the uncertainty of the future.

As the gun fired, the nurse looked up. In one moment she saw the woman on the bed look at the man, desperate for acceptance in spite of her violated body. And the nurse saw the man, at the sound of the gun, drop her hand and look ahead, staring, unable to look at the woman on the table. And the nurse saw the woman, on that cold table with her empty hand outstretched, look at the man again. Unable to catch his eye, that woman, daughter, sister and mother came to a realization and then closed her eyes tight. The man remained sitting in the corner, staring ahead, motionless. Suddenly, the nurse stopped her documentation and grabbed the woman's empty hand. The gun fired again. Tears, in silence began to fall from the woman's tightly closed eyes. The nurse and the woman grasped each other tight, two hands holding each other, as the tissue samples were collected. The woman's eyes remained shut as the tears continued to fall. And the nurse stood with the woman as a silent witness. A witness to both a revelation and to a life about to change.

The Exposure

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