Terrified...

neonatal_nurse · Oct 22, 2009

First, I want to start by saying congratulations because you've done the first step- which is to acknowledge/accept the fact that you have a problem. That's a good (and hardest thing to do) thing so now, you can now move on to the next series of steps. Have you had a consult about your condition before, maybe rehab? Or what about support groups? Have you been involved with any, even just online? Because it helps to talk to others who are in the same boat. And maybe they can recommend treatment options/facilities to help you out. As for your job, i'm sure you know that there are consequences to what you did so expect the worst case scenario- i personally think it would help if you have a back-up plan (aka another job).

Good Luck!

sissiesmama, ASN, RN · Oct 22, 2009

Sunny - Hello - My name is Anne and I'm an addict. I was caught in 1999 diverting narcotics and was referred to our state inpatient program. I had a 3yr contract and stayed afraid for muvh of the time.

When I got caught at work, I was terminated and lost all my insurance r/t the fact that I had only been there 5 months. At 6 months, you are given the chance to just take a LOA and keep your insurande. When I got caught, I felt like I had lost everything, from professional to personal. My boyfriend dumped me, say he didn't want to be gosspied, guilt by association.

I had SO many feelings from the time I was caught to entering inpt drug rehab to attending meetings to graduating from my contract. You have made the first step, and that was one of the most difficult for me. Please keep in mind the suipport system you have here. I only wish I had found AN then, but better late than never.

Welcome!!!

Anne, RNC

Cherybaby · Oct 23, 2009

Hello Sunny.

You're in a really ugly spot. I have been there. I can tell you that things are bound to get worse before they get better. More than likely, your drug test is going to show up positive for opiates/alcohol. The best thing to do is throw yourself at the mercy of your boss. Don't lie to them...they already know the truth. It is too easy for them to gather up all the records of what drugs you signed out and passed. They will compare it to other shifts and eventually, a pattern of what you did will evolve. In my case, I turned myself into my boss. I knew I was an addict and I needed help. I confessed what I did. Of course, there were consequences for that. Their suspicions were already aroused...it was simply a matter of my beating them to the punch, so to speak. I was fired, of course and reported to the Board of Nursing. My license was suspended. They mandated me into the IPN program which is a program designed for drug/alcohol addicted nurses.

I am in my 9th week of completing this 12 week program. And, for the first time in a long time, I am clean. The best thing I ever did was turn myself in because I finally got the help that I desperately needed and would not get on my own. Actually, Sunny? I probably would be dead by now with the amount of opiates that I was taking at one point had I not entered this program.

Despite losing my job and license, I still feel that this program was a gift. Losing either one of those things is very small scale when you consider losing your life. I found this program to be a blessing. I have met many other nurses in my position...all of us good people who simply lost their way. You aren't a bad person. You're an addict. You need help with your disease no differently than a person with cancer needs help with theirs.

I am not, by any means, telling you to turn yourself in like I did. That is your choice to make. But, what I am telling you is you more than likely are going to lose your job. Plan for that now. And, if your boss opts to call the nursing board, you are more than likely going to lose your license too. The only thing I can suggest to you is A) don't lie to them. B) Tell them that you need help. C) Ask them if they would be willing to enroll you into a intensive outpatient treatment program instead of notifying the board. Some places will do that without Board involvment. Others won't. It really depends on your DON...it's her call to make.

When you complete the program, there will be another hearing with regard to lifting the suspension of your license. At that time, they will let you know if they feel you are safe to practice again. Sometimes, they say you can go back, but with restrictions...for example, not being allowed to handle narcotics. That's pretty typical. Usually that restriction lasts for six months or so (you would have to consult the Board of Nursing in your state to find out what their protocol is. I am merely sharing my experience with the Florida State Nursing Board.) You will be required to reveal to any subsequent employers that you have been through the IPN program. It will make finding a job harder...but not impossible. There are many employers out there who are willing to give someone a second chance. You just have to find them. Others on this forum would be able to tell you about their experiences post IPN better than I could because I have not reached that point yet.

You are in for a long, hard road, Sunny. It's not going to be an easy one to walk. But, it is so important for you to get clean. You are going to kill yourself or someone else if you don't. You reached out. That's a great first step. You have support here. Get yourself to an NA meeting if you can. They are free and offer a lot of support as well.

I feel for you, Sunny. I really do. My heart is breaking for you because I am all too familiar with the absolute terror you are feeling right now. I am so sorry you are going through this. But, you are not alone.

Please come back and keep us updated on how you are doing and what happens with your job. We all understand. Don't be ashamed or embarassed. You are safe here.

If you ever want to talk privately, I am willing to listen.

Cher.

sheilagh · Oct 23, 2009

:loveya:Sunny,I'm sending you lots of love and support. I well remember the utter terror you feel,OMG the world is crashing! You are alive,you have 2 kids who need a clean and sane mother. You have done the hardest,which is admitted you have a problem,look around,there is help. Call local health dept,they can make referrals. It's tougher with the kids,but even if you can get to a local NA meeting,there are resources,and you will feel better after having been there.

There is hope,please don't give up!

Anything at all,plz pm me or just ask this board,

we try to help each other

:loveya::loveya: Lots of love,:loveya::loveya:

Sheilagh

sunnygypsy · Oct 23, 2009

Thank you SOOO much to the people who have posted - I'm still scared to death and taking life minute by minute right now. I haven't heard anything back from the drug test yet, and I'm going to my first AA meeting tonight. But just knowing there are even a few people who are supportive enough to respond back means everything to me.

Magsulfate, BSN, RN · Oct 24, 2009

There is some very good advice here. Despite what you might be feeling right now, it is not the end of the world. After all, didn't you know deep down in your heart that one day you would get caught? I know that I did, but when it happened it was the most terrifying thing in the world.

But you are alive, and your children are fine, no one is dead or hurt and the world will keep turning with you sober or not. The question is, how important is your life? How important is your nursing career? If you are like me, nursing is my life, and it was hard for me to think that I could do anything else.

The true fact is that I CAN do something else besides nursing, but I don't want to. The next few weeks will be difficult for you as you will have to figure out a lot of things. One piece of advice I can give is to NOT GIVE UP, and be honest. Be honest with yourself and with others about your addiction. I'm not saying to go and announce it to everyone, but with your counselors and others that you are with.. it helps with recovery.

There's not a whole lot more that I can tell you that others haven't on here and other posts in this forum, but I will say that this is one of the best places that I found for support from other recovering nurses. I found support with counseling and aa/na. But this was the one place that I could go to where I knew other nurses would understand me.

Now is the time to get it together, and if you aren't scared right now, there would be something terribly wrong. You're suppose to be frightened.

Be strong.