Share Your Funniest Patient Stories...

bedpan · May 26, 2005

This one happened yesterday and I am typing it just as it was told to me -

Yesterday morning one of the gentleman residents at our nursing home told one of my fellow nurses that his doctor had been by earlier and told him he was going to have the nurses checking him regularly on his as he put it - "lower area"

She was a bit suspicious as she had not been told about this, but the doctor HAD been by that morning so -

She had him pull down his pants and as he sat on the bed she was going to look and see what it was she was supposed to be checking -

The poor old fellow was pretty much sitting on his member so she gently pulled it out and looked the area over carefully to see what the problem might be

She told me that he began to get an erection and she told him that she saw a small amount of redness on his scrotum, but nothing that would warrant any type of treatment

It was then that he told her -

When he said "lower area" he meant his knees

lucianurse · May 26, 2005

When I was a nursing student years ago,we did cllinicals at seniors' residence. One of the residents was a frail woman about eight years old. When ever someone would ask her, "how are You?" Her response was always "so so and so".

Sue7573 · May 26, 2005

From Administration Approved by Board of Directors

RE: New Policy Effective Immediately

DRESS CODE: You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAY: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary; the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early

BATHROOM BREAKS: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board unter the "Chronic offender's category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim-fast.

Thankyou for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insiuations, allegations, accuasations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Sincerely,

Management

SitcomNurse, BSN, MSN, EdD, RN · May 28, 2005

My Grandmother(God love her) was a Nurse. She relayed this story to me of her time in a Physical Rehab Nursing center.

A Patient had requested an icepack for some swelling, he was not on her assignment, but as a good nurse covering for friends on break, she went and got the traditional blue screw top ice bag used in her day, you know, the kind used in movies... Well, she said to the gentleman, here is your ice pack, and tossed it to him. It landed on his groin and he screamed so loud, she almost fell back. He had epididimitis, and the heavy ice filled pack had landed on its intended location!

Another ha ha from Nana... She ws taking a test for Nursing, and couldnt remember the answer to..What is the machine used to clean/sterilize instruments? (Dont you wish they asked those questions now?) Well, she handed in her paper with that question blank. The instructor glanced at it, and said, Fay..I'll give you a clue. What did you come here in today? A CAR was her answer.

Of course, the instructor was looking for the answer, Automobile, for Autoclave..

Gotta love Nana. :rotfl:

Laurajnh · May 28, 2005

After working for 20+ years in L&D, I started a new job working in a same day surgery center. I had a male patient who was preparing to be discharged after a vasectomy. I had him sit up for a little while, then told him he would have to dangle before he stood up. He looked at me with wide nervous eyes and asked me if he should'nt have pain medicine first. Why is it OB patients know exactly what is to be dangled when you say that?!:)

lucianurse · May 29, 2005

At the general hospital where I once worked, there was a ward sister(supervisor) who was as lazy as jack **** and seemed always to be in a daze. One day when the surgeon was making rounds, he questioned her about a patient receiving an enema which he had ordered the day before. She replied, " yes doctor, I gave it to him orally." The doctor looked at her, shaked his head and said, "You need to be in the Guinness Book of World Records."

lucianurse · Jun 1, 2005

Today,one of the clients who came to see the doctor was told by the assistant who checked her pressure that the reading was 200/100. Her reply was, oh! is it still 300? ( 200 +100=300). I burst into peals of laughter when I heard this.

Sue7573 · Jun 1, 2005

What does the red stop sign in top right corner reading warned post mean?

SwinkerDoodleRN · Jun 4, 2005

I might be wrong but when you tied juan down to the sink and when you tied him to the hand rails isn't that considered a restraint. even side rails on a hospital bed are considered a restraint in the nursing home I work in. if they are not ordered by a doctor, the side rails are not to go up. :uhoh21:

ruby vee said:

remember geriatric chairs? we used to posey our wanderers into a geri chair for the day. only ours didn't have brakes, and one old guy named juan used to be able to push himself around the unit with his tippy toes. backward. we'd put him out by the nurse's station on busy days, and everyone would sort of keep an eye on him -- even the house staff who all knew him well.
one particularly busy day, there were two codes going on at once and everyone was involved with one or the other of them. juan scooted himself off the unit in his geri chair, and was found at the doorway to the firestairs trying to get the door open. the nursing supervisor brought him back. the next time, a patient's family member went to get the unit secretary, who pulled an na out of a code to bring juan back. the third time, a harvard medical student encountered the nice old man posey'd into a geri chair trying to open the door to the stairs. I'm sure he thought he was being helpful when he opened the door for the juan and held it for him.

the next day when I came back to work, juan was poseyd in a geri chair wearing a cast over his entire torso and both shoulders. the toes still worked fine, though. I was determined not to have a repeat accident on my shift, so the na and I poseyed juan into the chair, and tied the chair to the sink in his room. the first sign that that may not have been a wise choice was when there was a loud crash followed by the sounds of gushing water and a flood pouring out of juan's room. by the time I got there, juan was propelling himself backward out of his room, dragging the sink. the housekeepers were not amused. nor were the plumbers!

after that, we tied the chair to the handrail in the halls -- you know -- the ones patients are supposed to hang on to as they ambulate in the halls. another poor decision. the rail wasn't attached to anything but dry wall . . . and following another loud crash (and some excited shouting) we found juan propelling himself down the hall dragging the railing and a large chunk of dry wall. the carpenters were not amused. nor was the couple in the room on the other side of the dry wall . . . they were engaging in some long-postponed marital relations when juan's removing a chunk of drywall exposed them to the entire unit!

sadly, juan's trip down the stairs backward ultimately caused his demise. he got a pressure sore under his cast, became septic, went into septic shock and arrested. we couldn't saw him out of the cast fast enough to start CPR in a timely fashion . . .

SwinkerDoodleRN · Jun 4, 2005

I work in a nursing home and most everyone has dementia. There are about 3 residents that dont. One time I asked a lady who was sitting in her wheelchair what she was up to. She replied "I am thinking about the best way to get out of here" I thought she meant getting out of the facility, but I went ahead and asked her "Well, what are you going to do?" She got teary eyed and replied, "Well, I dont think that life boat is going to save all of us, but you need to save all of these people because the ship we are on right now is going down!" She stopped and then replied, "Save yourself. I'll wait for you in the water!" It was so sad that she actually thought it was happening, but funny when I thought about it later that night.

We have another lady that is deaf and pretty much blinde. She sits in her wheelchair in front of the nurses station and reaches out to touch whatever is in front of her. The other day, it was sort of a slow day and we had this lady sitting next to the lady that I mentioned in the first paragraph. The blind lady reached out and touched her face and was feeling of her to make sure she knew what was in front of her. The funny part is that this ladys hand just kept going further and further south on the other lady! She found the ladys boobs and began to prod them and say "WOW. This must be a lady." Before she got any further than the belly I had to rush over there and speak in her good ear "You are touching that lady in the crotch and thats not very nice. She is about to get upset with you. So, you need to stop, please M'am." SHe quickly sat back in her wheelchair and said "OO MY. IM SORRY." My charge nurse was literally in the floor rolling. :rotfl:

Ruby Vee, BSN · Jun 4, 2005

noseinabooknurse said:

I might be wrong but when you tied juan down to the sink and when you tied him to the hand rails isn't that considered a restraint. even side rails on a hospital bed are considered a restraint in the nursing home I work in. if they are not ordered by a doctor, the side rails are not to go up. :uhoh21:

the point of this thead is to tell your funniest patient stories, not to try to correct each other! I'm sorry you're missing the point. (and by the way . . . this happened nearly 30 years ago -- a much different climate for restraints!) if you don't learn to laugh, you won't last long.

FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I · Jun 4, 2005

lucianurse said:

At the general hospital where I once worked, there was a ward sister(supervisor) who was as lazy as jack **** and seemed always to be in a daze. One day when the surgeon was making rounds, he questioned her about a patient receiving an enema which he had ordered the day before. She replied, " yes doctor, I gave it to him orally." The doctor looked at her, shaked his head and said, "You need to be in the Guinness Book of World Records."

Sounds like a co-worker I had several years ago. She emptied a full bedpan out the bathroom window as the DON was walking toward the main entrance. I would NOT have wanted to be in her shoes that day.