Share your funniest Nursing jokes!

[MistyDawnRN06, BSN, RN]

:rotfl: We can all use a little humor :rotfl:

:lol_hitti Please share your funniest Nursing jokes! :lol_hitti

How do you know that a dead body found by the side of the road is a nurse?

Because its stomach is empty, its bladder is full, and its a$$ is chewed!

:rotfl:

The Recuriting Game

A skilled nurse died and arrived before St. Peter, who explained, "We have this little policy of allowing you to choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell." "How do I know which to choose?" She asked. "That's easy," said St. Peter. "you have to spend a day in each place before making a decision."

With that, he put the nurse on an elevator and sent her down to hell. The elevator doors opened and the nurse found herself in a sunny garden, where many former friends and colleagues warmly greeted her. She had a great time all day laughing and talking about old times. That night, she had an excellent supper in a fantastic restaurant. She even met the devil, who turned out to be a pretty nice guy. Before she knew it, her day in hell was over and she returned to heaven.

The day in heaven was okay. She lounged around on clouds, sang, and played the harp. At the end of the day, St. Peter came and asked for her decision. "Well, heaven was great and all," the nurse said, "but I had abetter time in hell. I know it sounds strange, but I choose hell." With that, she got in the elevator and went back down.

When the doors opened, she saw a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. Her friends, dressed in rags, were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks. When the devil walked over, she said to him, "I don't understand. Yesterday, this place was beautiful. We had a delicious meal and a wonderful time laughing and talking." The devil smiled and said, "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're staff."

:rotfl:

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

:rotfl:

Differences Between Graduate Nurse and Experienced Nurses

A Graduate Nurse throws up when the patient does.

An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when a patient throws up

A Graduate Nurse wears so many pins on their name badge you can´t read it.

An experienced nurse doesn´t wear a name badge for liability reasons

A Graduate Nurse charts too much.

An experienced nurse doesn´t chart enough.

A Graduate Nurse loves to run to codes.

An experienced nurse makes graduate nurses run to codes.

A Graduate Nurse wants everyone to know they are a nurse.

An experienced nurse doesn´t want anyone to know they are a nurse.

A Graduate Nurse keeps detailed notes on a pad.

An experienced nurse writes on the back of their hand, paper scraps, napkins, etc.

A Graduate Nurse will spend all day trying to reorient a patient.

An experienced nurse will chart the patient is disoriented and restrain them.

A Graduate Nurse can hear a beeping I-med at 50 yards.

An experienced nurse can´t hear any alarms at any distance.

A Graduate Nurse loves to hear abnormal heart and breath sounds.

An experienced nurse doesn´t want to know about them unless the patient is symptomatic.

A Graduate Nurse spends 2 hours giving a patient a bath.

An experienced nurse lets the CNA give the patient a bath.

A Graduate Nurse thinks people respect Nurses.

An experienced nurse knows everybody blames everything on the nurse.

A Graduate Nurse looks for blood on a bandage hoping they will get to change it.

An experienced nurse knows a little blood never hurt anybody.

A Graduate Nurse looks for a chance "to work with the family."

An experienced nurse avoids the family.

A Graduate Nurse expects meds and supplies to be delivered on time.

An experienced nurse expects them to never be delivered at all.

A Graduate Nurse will spend days bladder training an incontinent patient.

An experienced nurse will insert a Foley catheter.

A Graduate Nurse always answers their phone.

An experienced nurse checks their caller ID before answering the phone.

A Graduate Nurse thinks psych patients are interesting.

An experienced nurse thinks psych patients are crazy.

A Graduate Nurse carries reference books in their bag.

An experienced nurse carries magazines, lunch, and some "cough syrup" in their bag.

A Graduate Nurse doesn´t find this funny.

An experienced nurse does.

:rotfl:

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I´m sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man´s doctor comes into the room. "What´s going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What´s the matter, Doc? Haven´t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven´t. Not with a carnation anyway."

:rotfl:

[hollyster]

Thank you. These are great. :)

[MistyDawnRN06, BSN, RN]

Nurse's Prayer

Dear Lord: I pray for the Wisdom to understand my challenging patients;

Love to forgive them and

Patience for their moods.

Because, Lord, if I were to ask for Strength I would beat them to death.

[KatrinaPM]

I just graduated from nursing school and my goddaughter was talking to her mom.

Mom: "I can't believe she's done! She's going to be an RN"

My Goddaughter smiled gleefully: "Yeah, a Real Nurse!"

[hula]

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

[carlarn, BSN, RN]

Along those lines ^

A man takes his wife to the doctor because she has been experiencing some forgetfulness. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news. What would you like first?"

The man says, "The bad news."

The doctor tells him, "Your wife has alzheimers."

The man says, "OK, so what is the good news?"

The doctor replies, "She isn't going to remember."

Sorry if this was offensive to anyone.

[cathy2]

Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator?

Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off.

How do you save a doctor from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None - They just have a nursing assistant do it.

Patient: "Nurse, I just swallowed my pillow!"

Nurse: "How do you feel?"

Patient: "A little down in the mouth"

[cathy2]

A new nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetorifice! Measles!"

The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"

The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

[cathy2]

An old couple goes the doctor, just to check their general health. The husband goes in first and the doctor says: "Well, Mr. Jones, you are in a perfect shape considering your age".And the man says: "Sure I am: I don't drink, I don't smoke and the good Lord takes care of me".

At which point the doctor seems puzzled and says: "What do you mean?".

The old man replies: "For example, last night I had to go to the toilet and God switched on the light for me, so that I wouldn't fall down."

The doctor doesn't understand and asks the man to go out and let his wife in. The woman enters the room and the doctor visits her and says: "You are in a perfect shape, considering your age".

At which the woman replies: "Sure I am: I don't drink, I don't smoke..."

The doctor interrupts her: "... and the good Lord takes care of you, doesn't He?".

"The woman looks puzzled: "What are you talking about?".

The doctor explains: "Your husband told me. He says the good Lord looks after him. Like last night, when he was in the toilet and God switched on the light for him so that he wouldn't fall".

The woman replies: "Good Lord, he peed in the fridge again!"

[JBudd, MSN]

A world-famous surgeon, used to acclaim and praise for all his good work, died and went to heaven. Come lunch time, he was sent by St. Peter to stand in line at the cafeteria with everyone else, because "we don't play favorites in heaven". Just then, a white haired man in a lab coat with a stethescope ran to the front of the line, grabbed a tray and ran off again. The surgeon went to St. Peter and said, "I thought you said there were no favorites here! I was a great doctor on earth, how come that guy got to the front of the line and not me?".

St. Peter looked at the man and said, "oh, that's God. He just likes to play doctor".

[StarlightRN]

What 's the difference between a nurse and a nun?

A nun only serves one God.