School and Marriage

Trauma Columnist · Jun 19, 2004

I've been married for 24 years and at various times have been in school, husband in school, both of us working, he's been deployed, we've had a very ill child for a year and the only thing constant in life is change. We use humor for almost every situation. It may be truly sick humor but when you've been married a long time - as you have - sometimes its the shared agony that gets you through. Good luck!

Star Trek Nerd · Jun 19, 2004

Well I don't have kids yet and we've only been married for just over two years...but I can still sorta relate. My hubby feels resentful that we are going to have to move out of our nice (expensive) apartment and into a little studio or something as soon as I enter the program full-time next fall. He gets sad when I am at school all night and come home too exhausted for...well, you know. Foolin' around. My libido since I entered school part time has done a spectacular nosedive. I think that's the worst part, because I work full time while taking 2-3 classes at night. I'm so tired and hubby feels neglected. We are also getting more independent of each other now, and that makes me upset. We used to hate being apart for even a few minutes if we didn't have to. Now I study in one room and he stays all night in the other room watching TV or playing on the computer. Our marriage is not in trouble by any stretch of the imagination, but I have to think of what I am working for in order not to get depressed about the changes we are going through.

You are doing a good thing and the means to an end are not always easy. {{{HUGGS}}} to you and hang in there.

studentNY · Jun 19, 2004

Well I don't have kids yet and we've only been married for just over two years...but I can still sorta relate. My hubby feels resentful that we are going to have to move out of our nice (expensive) apartment and into a little studio or something as soon as I enter the program full-time next fall. He gets sad when I am at school all night and come home too exhausted for...well, you know. Foolin' around. My libido since I entered school part time has done a spectacular nosedive. I think that's the worst part, because I work full time while taking 2-3 classes at night. I'm so tired and hubby feels neglected. We are also getting more independent of each other now, and that makes me upset. We used to hate being apart for even a few minutes if we didn't have to. Now I study in one room and he stays all night in the other room watching TV or playing on the computer. Our marriage is not in trouble by any stretch of the imagination, but I have to think of what I am working for in order not to get depressed about the changes we are going through.
You are doing a good thing and the means to an end are not always easy. {{{HUGGS}}} to you and hang in there.

:crying2:

Thanks, I really need the hug. Husband is out with friends tonight, big kids are at friends, 5 yo is sleeping. I wish summer was over and I could just go to school. :crying2:

Rhoresmith · Jun 19, 2004

I know you want to get started but please for those of us needing a small break (taking summer classes) don't wish school over to soon.(please)......... Things will get better because he will see the differences in how things will be when you are a nurse! You are fullifilling your dream right? that will make you a happier person in the end and happier person equals better WIFE and MOM!!! Good luck and since I am also experiancing this here is a {{{hug}}}}

sabrn2006 · Jun 19, 2004

As background, I've worked - mostly full time but sometimes part time - for all of my 12 year marriage. I also previously went to college (different career goals then!) when my children were quite young. (When I left school they were 7 & 5) Now my kids are 13 & 11 and I am back in school again. It's obviously an upheaval of sorts for everyone involved.

I think the biggest struggle for me personally is that the shift in my priorities causes a domino effect. For instance, I mentioned to my family that they will have to pick up some slack - meaning doing more housework, meal prep etc. - and suddenly negative behaviors started to rear their ugly heads. My dh thinks I'm going into nursing to score a rich doctor (this is only partially a joke) so I would say he feels a wee bit threatened.

Whenever we make a change, good or bad, the family dynamics are thrown off. There is bound to be an adjustment period. I am trying my best to be honest with everyone about my commitment to my education and my desire to succeed. I plan to have "family meetings" weekly to go over schedules, assign chores, and to even air grievances. I know already that my dh will be resentful at times, but that's his issue. I do intend to set aside some "quality time" for the two of us. I also need to do this for each of my kids.

Even with my job, I've always managed to attend the concerts & soccer games, help with the homework, etc. I still plan to do all that, but there may be some things that I miss. I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing to have our families experience first-hand what it means to sacrifice for a goal. In the end, we are all stronger from it.

EarthChild1130 · Jun 19, 2004

Well, I've been married for 8 years, and ever since we first moved in together 10 years ago, either he or I have been in school, he's been deployed with the military, and we've just gotten used to it...I bet if we were together constantly we'd kill each other! LOL But it works well for us because we're both very independent.

I do have friends in nursing school with me, however, who are having problems adjusting to it...rather, their significant others are having trouble! They report that their 'others' feel neglected and/or resentful...I don't know what to say or do about something like that because it's sort of necessary for school, I suppose. :chair:

My suggestion is to sit down and talk with your husband about how you feel, and see if he'll talk about how he feels, and I would also suggest setting aside one night a week for just the two of you to go out to dinner and a movie, or something...good luck! ((((((Big hugs)))))))

Energizer Bunny · Jun 19, 2004

When I was taking my pre-req's, it was difficult but not impossible to find time for him. In fact, he helped me with my Math some. But, we only had one child then too. Now, I am starting two more pre-req's in two weeks and I am fearful about it. Then, in the fall when I go full time I really worry. Honestly, he is gone so much right now trying to provide for us that it shouldn't make too much difference! I know that I have fears that you do..........how is it really going to affect us....our whole lives are changing in the blink of an eye!

studentNY · Jun 19, 2004

Thanks for all the words and hugs, it's nice to know I am not completely alone. I think a date night would be nice.

Tony35NYC · Jun 19, 2004

Hey studentny,

I believe that you can do nursing school and still hold down the fort at home because there are other people out there doing the same thing. What you will need to change are the dynamics. As a guy, the first thing I recommend is that you talk to your hubby about school and the amount of time you need to study. If you know you need 3 hours a day tell him you need 4, and ask him to help you out with the kids, preparing meals, etc. He'll see the light if you explain going to nursing school as a process that will benefit the entire family when you get done.

The next thing is to live in a no-stress zone (still learning to do this myself). Try to get your reading done ahead of time so that you're not just barely keeping up or desperately trying to catch up after falling behind. The more you keep pace the more organized you'll be and the more time you'll have to do other things. I recommend at least two nights a week of down time to go out to dinner, movies, ...whatever's fun for the family.

Next, you want to find as many ways as possible to get somebody else to watch your kids for a few hours while you take off to the library or somewhere else to study (mom, the neighbors, a sitter...whatever). If possible try to study somewhere else besides the house. As for meal prep, do it for three days in advance and fridge and freeze everything. That way you're only cooking twice a week instead of everyday and on the in-between days all you do is throw stuff in the microwave, and the honey and the kids will never know the diff. Just that alone saves tons of time. Another thing is to give everybody a "to do" list: cleaning, taking out trash, picking up the groceries... Or, depending on where you live, maybe you can try one of those home delivery services that the supermarkets are offering these days so you don't ever have to go out to shop for groceries again. In any case, spread out the chores so that you are doing as few of them as possible.

Also make time for the more intimate stuff. Its a mistake to think that a married man (or any man for that matter) will ignore that for long. To neglect that part of any marriage is asking for trouble down the road.

All the best!!!

RNNoMore · Jun 19, 2004

I know EXACTLY where you are coming from - my husband and I will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary this year, and I've been a SAHM for almost 3/4 of that time, since our first child was born. Hubby is lovely, but very high-maintenance attention-wise - as I found out to my cost some 3 years ago. Basically we had emigrated from our homeland, England, 4 years ago, to America, leaving all our family and friends behind. It was mostly hubby's dream - but where he goes, I go, so I thought I'd give it my best shot. Anyway, I got a lot more homesick than I thought I would and sank into a deep depression. I was NOT fun to live with and tried to bury myself in my hobbies to keep my mind off England. This meant that I was spending every evening scrapbooking & painting up in my study, while hubby watched TV downstairs. Well, unfortunately, my husband started working with a very attractive young redhead who started to give him LOTS of attention (even though she was married too) and the inevitable happened....Anyway, things eventually sorted themselves out, after 6 months of separation, and he realised that it was all a big mistake and that he really loved me after all. (I never, ever gave up on our marriage which helped!).

Since then we have worked hard to get some romance back in our marriage and spend more time together (tough with kids, but we manage!). The good thing (and there is always a good thing ) is that the whole incident shook us up and made us realise that we had gotten ourselves into a rut, so since then we've been going on dates, going for weekends away, going to music concerts etc., and generally been having a lot more fun. However, a year ago he decided that it was time for me to get back on a career path again (note: this was his idea), and we thought a lot about it and finally, for many reasons, decided on nursing.

Now, I am worried - I did not realise that nursing school was so tough, and even with my pre-reqs we have started to settle back into that old pattern of me being upstairs in my study, and him being downstairs in front of the TV I have started getting the 'looks' when he asks me if I want to watch a DVD with him, and I reply that I have homework to do - then he stomps off and watches it by himself. It is very worrying for me, because of what happened before

However, this time we are a bit more prepared: Hubby has realised that I will be studying more or less all the while, so instead of being bored, he has decided to take his Masters Degree via an internet course. My plan is that we sort out the downstairs study (which is a mess), and put 2 desks in it, so that we can study together in the same room. I have also made a decision to keep Saturdays as free as possible from studying - even if it means letting my grades drop a bit. I know that nursing school is going to be hard on me, my hubby, and our kids - but at least this time we will be more prepared for it, and hopefully, more willing to support each other.

I'm sure that with some thought, and some serious planning with your husband (i.e. Saturday night is 'date' night and you will both try your hardest not to let anything get in the way of that), you will be just fine.

Best wishes, and hugs too!

Paint.

studentNY · Jun 19, 2004

I know EXACTLY where you are coming from - my husband and I will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary this year, and I've been a SAHM for almost 3/4 of that time, since our first child was born. Hubby is lovely, but very high-maintenance attention-wise - as I found out to my cost some 3 years ago.
Now, I am worried - I did not realise that nursing school was so tough, and even with my pre-reqs we have started to settle back into that old pattern of me being upstairs in my study, and him being downstairs in front of the TV I have started getting the 'looks' when he asks me if I want to watch a DVD with him, and I reply that I have homework to do - then he stomps off and watches it by himself. It is very worrying for me, because of what happened before
However, this time we are a bit more prepared: Hubby has realised that I will be studying more or less all the while, so instead of being bored, he has decided to take his Masters Degree via an internet course. My plan is that we sort out the downstairs study (which is a mess), and put 2 desks in it, so that we can study together in the same room. I have also made a decision to keep Saturdays as free as possible from studying - even if it means letting my grades drop a bit. I know that nursing school is going to be hard on me, my hubby, and our kids - but at least this time we will be more prepared for it, and hopefully, more willing to support each other.
I'm sure that with some thought, and some serious planning with your husband (i.e. Saturday night is 'date' night and you will both try your hardest not to let anything get in the way of that), you will be just fine.
Best wishes, and hugs too!
Paint.

Paint, I wish you lived closer, we could double date.:) I also wish you the best!!!