too scared of going back to nursing

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hi. i am 30 years old and i finished my nursing degree when I was 23 yo. I had several trainings like IVT and Adult Critical Course which lasted only for a month. I also attended some seminars. When i was about to graduate, i was diagnosed with depression. And i have anxiety too. This really interfered with the one month training, I was always panicking and scared. I cant think clearly and was always anxious. The nurse is always telling me to "relax" . I was having a hard time setting up the infusion pump too. I get scared when it beeps and it feels like i dont know what to do. Over all i feel like I am embarrassing myself. I got even more depressed because of this. However i finished and got the certificate. During the IVT, (INtravenous traning), i couldnt even insert the needle in the vein. The training usually lasts for 3 days. I finshed 7 days. Because of this i doubted my ability to be a nurse. I narrated this to my doctor and she told me to pick another career. Because this is too stressful for me. 2 doctors told me that. After some years, i took the NCLEX ...i am still hopeful..but i failed. BTW i live outside the US. My depression wasnt imporving for years. I mean, i get by, but it was on and off. Sometimes, although rarely, I've had like 3 panic attacks all my life. Sometimes at night or once when I was outside. I explored other career like baking but I knew that it isnt for me. I am the kind of person who is always inscure and self conscious and anxious. I learned how to drive (for 5 days) but was too scared to continue it. I think my reflex is slow. I have many negative "what ifs"..but somehow still when i was able to make the car move, i was proud of myself because somehow i can follow instructions and i thought that i was doing the impossible. Last month my dad was brought to the hospital for colonoscopy. I was the one with him. It was just a one day confinement. The next day I was told to pay the bill with my uncle. At first it was ok. But when the girl in the cashier was telling me something about the health insurance, it made me anxious, almost like a panic attack. The rest of the time I was really really anxious. The when it was settled, my dad asked me to buy a diaper. Still anxious at that time, i asked the nurse on the station how to buy and where to buy this. She gave me an instruction it was soo simple but i couldnt understand it! I got lost in her words. I was shaking! I asked her to repeat and step by step i went down and got the diaper. Phew. After a month, my dad brought me to a new doctor. The previous doctor gave me medicine that wasnt working for me. Plus he wasnt giving me cognitive behavioral therapy. I just think that he is not sincere. Anyway my dad brought me to a new one. Then he assesed me well. He asked me several questions. I told him about my training experience and how nervous I was. That i am always panocky confused. I am not sure if i mentioned that my mind is slow in picking things up. I told him that i was nervous on intravenous therapy and skin test. He said the it is just basic nursing skills. You did this when you were in college. (to be honest not much)The i blurted out i am a member of a weight loss support group on the web. Then he asked me are u concious and i told him yes. So he got my weight and my bmi. He said that u have a low self confidence. Losing weight will help me gain my self esteem. This gave me hope. Because its like someone believed in me and things might be possible for me especially nursing. So now im working on my weight loss. dieting and recently got a trainer in the gym. So far so good. Thank god.He gave me a new medicine. it worked for me. However i am having difficulty in sleeping. Before consulting this docotr for two weeks i couldnt get up in bed, i wasnt eating, lost 7 pounds. Luckily i found the right med for me becuase of him so I am thankful.I recently met a guy oniline who is a nurse also. I told him about what happened to me. He said get well and regain your confidence, i told him that i am scared of inserting an IV. He said there are plenty of youtube videos out there. Learn. He was right. He told me too to attend seminars. He was nice. he became a friend. I wanted to be honest. I am not sure if i am still interested with nursing. Its been years. I dont know if this is just a "confidence" issue. I am scared of going back to the hospital to train. I am scared that i would get traumatized and criticized again. Its just so hard. Maybe i dont want to make myself interested because i am soo scared to try. When I think about going back, i get stressed.But still im considering to test the water. I would like to train for intravenous training, its less than a week..just to feel it out. To make things better if that would be succesful id sign up for a 2-3 months training in a tertiary hosp. Then if i can do it, i would take the nclex and would work formally.I have plan b and c. I am an artsy kind of person. I am considering a career change. Digital arts school or going to make up school.I dont know if i am asking the right question or saying the right things, do i sound like giving up? or should i still pursue nursing?? What can u say about me testing the waters?? Am i just being relaistic with my abilities??I am kinda confused. Sorry so long. Hope someone will reply. just need help.thank you!

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Just from reading half of your post, although not a mental health professional, I can see that your anxiety level is too high for you to succeed at nursing at this time. Can you work as a nursing assistant where you live until you can get your health under control? You won't be able to do anything constructive with your life if you do not adequately address your mental and physical health. Of course, you already know that. Get with your doctor and seriously address your health issues. I can advise a heavy physical fitness routine. You body will have a harder time getting all worked up with anxiety if you exhaust yourself with physical activity, and you will sleep better. Try out working as a nursing assistant. If you don't want to start with a full time job, do home health, where you work with a patient for short episodes at a time. If you can not handle going to a patient's home, taking vital signs, then assisting with a bath or shower, maybe you should consider another career. Best wishes.

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Specializes in Clinical Research, Outpt Women's Health.

Nursing is not a good fit for you. Go find somethign you can do without loads of anxiety.

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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

I echo what caliotter said. You have got to get your mental faculties together or you will not be able to practice nursing. I can empathize because I have some of the same anxiety issues and can no longer work as a nurse. Please work with a doctor (preferably a psychiatrist) and if you're not in therapy, get some! Life is too short to be anxious and depressed so much of the time. Take care. (((((HUGS)))))

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hi. i dont want to be working in the health field anymore. I gave up and it feel wayy better. When I think about going back, it freaks me out to the point that i cannot find the "thrill" or i cannot imagine myself doing nursing and being happy. Its just the way it is. Its the only thing that has been holding me back. I confessed in a christian pastor this morning and he told me, pick something you enjoy. And i thought of photography or designing a website. Thank you soo much for being honest with me. Even if I didnt became a nurse, it molded me to the person that I am now. My dream is to reach Maslow's self actualization. I want to live my best life. I need to move on and enjoy my life :)

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i have to let go of the the money/salary matters most mentality. sometimes you have ur own need. i know nurses earn big. they have better job opportunities abroad. but talking with the pastor this morning made me think of myself. Sometimes i drown myself to the voices of the world to the point that i couldnt hear the voice of my heart. What it needs. What it truly wants. I have to work for God not for others or for myself. but for God. I am looking forward to say, " This is the thing God wanted me to do with my life." And i will find it.

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i have to let go of the the money/salary matters most mentality. sometimes you have ur own need. i know nurses earn big. they have better job opportunities abroad. but talking with the pastor this morning made me think of myself. Sometimes i drown myself to the voices of the world to the point that i couldnt hear the voice of my heart. What it needs. What it truly wants. I have to work for God not for others or for myself. but for God. I am looking forward to say, " This is the thing God wanted me to do with my life." And i will find it.

God made you a unique person with special skills and talents for a role He had in mind. Sometimes nerves and anxiety are His voice speaking to us, reminding us to consult with Him first. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment" (1 John 4:8). Fear is not of God. Before you make any decisions, make sure it is your Shepherd you are hearing. "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me" (John 10:27). The love and advice of others is wonderful, but only He can tell you what His will for your life is.

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