Rewrite of Admission Essay

Published

I'm applying to a local LPN program with the intent to continue on to an RN program. I'm stuck on the essay, and have already rewritten it a few times, so many help would be appreciated. The only prompt was "Why are you choosing nursing as a career?". I tried to keep it personal an honest, and less cliche. Thanks for your input!

My start in the medical field was different than you might expect. Like many medical professionals, I worked long hours, often staying after my shift ended. I never minded, I enjoyed the work, enjoyed the action, the medicine, and how we were able to use technology to better treat our patients. The work wasn't easy, but that was half the reason I loved the job. The difference with my job and your average medical professional is that I had little interaction with people. I worked at a veterinary clinic, and while I loved my job, I missed people.

For whatever reason, nursing didn't click in my head right away. I loved the medical atmosphere, and I missed people, but I still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. It happened on a day I was killing time at my school, wandering the halls, when I ended up in the nursing wing.

I watched the students, they were either studying or talking about their most recent clinical experiences. I felt a tremendous amount of respect for them and the profession they were going into, even envied them. That's when I had it, my epiphany moment. Why do I have to envy them? Why can't I be them? I already knew I loved medicine, and it would give me plenty of human interaction. It was perfect, and I wanted to kick myself for not coming to this realization sooner.

As I considered it further I realized how nurses had already impacted my life. When I was young and my father had to have surgery they were there to comfort me about what an easy procedure it would be. When an old family friend had a very close call with cancer it was the nurses she couldn't say enough about, and how gentle and patient they were with me whenever I had a procedure of my own.

The more I thought about it, the more I knew. Between my undying curiosity and love for medicine along with the need for human interaction, nursing is not only the perfect career for me. Every day brings a new situation and a new story, and that is the kind of environment I thrive in.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Critical Care Transport, Cardiac ICU, Rapid.

Keep in mind admissions reads many, many essays. To set yourself apart from other applicants use more personal experience, use more emotional language and words in your essay, make them feel the emotions from the paper, express what you can bring to the table that sets you apart from other applicants. I think the cliches of "love for medicine" shouldn't be used.

Your father had surgery yes? Explain how such a scary time like that for a young individual was, but how the careful and loving touch of a nurse not only treated your father but left you at ease as well. How you had procedures done prior and you noticed the gentleness, the empathy, and the genuine sincerity that each nurse treated you with. How you want nothing more in this world than to be that person who sees another individual at their lowest of lows but brings them up with a warm smile and x.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

If I were the one reading these essays, I would be taken back by a writing that bared the soul. Think of the term "wear your life on your sleeve." Think about something that most others would shy away from writing. When you ask people about "life changing moments", things that are often written about is marriage, birth of a child, graduation of bootcamp, etc. In nursing, it's all about people wanting to care for others...blah, blah.

You know what people don't write about? That time they had a mental breakdown and how they pulled through and turned things around. You know, something like that. Ask yourself, "What is something these people haven't read before" or "what would stand out"?

Good luck. Stand out.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in ICU.

I guess to me your essay seemed disorganized. You don't mention until far into your essay that you are a vet tech. Which truly, vet tech to nurse is very common. I would write a stronger essay with more organization.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Personally I really liked your opening paragraph. I thought... where is she going with this... a ha! What a nice surprise! Now whether that's good for an admissions essay, I'm not so sure, but I did want to give you that compliment!

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Pediatrics, Emergency, Trauma.

You know what people don't write about? That time they had a mental breakdown and how they pulled through and turned things around. You know, something like that. Ask yourself, "What is something these people haven't read before" or "what would stand out"?

Good luck. Stand out.

I agree.

Discuss how your own strengths through your own personal challenges can be an asset to a nursing program and nursing in general.

Also, use the key word of "healthcare" instead of "medical" and "medicine".

Up Vote Up Vote ×

You gave good insight into your personal thought process... A couple things to think about in these 2 sentences:

It happened on a day I was killing time at my school, wandering the halls, when I ended up in the nursing wing.

It was perfect, and I wanted to kick myself for not coming to this realization sooner.

I would work on these two sentences... the phrases "killing time" and "kick myself" could be seen as unprofessional. In the first sentence you might say, "It happened one day when I arrived early for class and walked through the nursing wing while waiting for class to begin." (Also shows that you arrive early/on time for things!). Instead of "I could kick myself" you might say, "I wish I had realized earlier on what a perfect fit a nursing career is for my interests and strengths."

The second to last sentence could be reworked, it doesn't completely make sense the way it is written. Maybe something like, "Nursing is the ideal career to combine my undying scientific curiosity, love of medicine and my interest in working closely with people to support their well being."

Keep working on it, read it out loud to yourself and trusted friends/family. If you are already a student at the college you are applying to (it sounds like you are), bring it to the academic tutoring center and ask them to help you revise. You have a good start!

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in PICU.

Parts of the essay also read as though you are speaking. You opening sentence is too cliche. You could start of by stating " For the past X years I have worked as a veterinary tech at a shelter(Or whatever place you work). Talk about skills, connections to animals, how you have grown as a person, employee, co-worker. Critical thinking example

Next tie into nursing

Next talk about desire to attentd nursing school, highlight skills you have, attributes, etc.

Close by.. thank you for your consideration, my (attributes - attention to detail, concern for others,e tc)as well as desire for knowledge and ability to use critical thinking

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Oncology, OCN.

Sorry to kinda sidetrack the post but ugh... Are you guys saying all admissions essays should have some "heart warming" story/experience in them? Personally I've been a patient in the hospital for a decent amount of time through my life and I have zero sappy stories out of that. I've had some positive and negative experiences with the nurses but that has zero to do with my desire to go to nursing school now and earn a BSN. I have zero intention of being a touchy feely nurse making an emotional impact on a patients life either. My interest is in the medical aspect which I feel I'd be really good at. I mean I'm not planning to be cold and unfeeling with patients but zero desire to become emotionally involved with them either. The idea that I'd need to portray otherwise to get into a program is gross.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Critical Care Transport, Cardiac ICU, Rapid.
Sorry to kinda sidetrack the post but ugh... Are you guys saying all admissions essays should have some "heart warming" story/experience in them? Personally I've been a patient in the hospital for a decent amount of time through my life and I have zero sappy stories out of that. I've had some positive and negative experiences with the nurses but that has zero to do with my desire to go to nursing school now and earn a BSN. I have zero intention of being a touchy feely nurse making an emotional impact on a patients life either. My interest is in the medical aspect which I feel I'd be really good at. I mean I'm not planning to be cold and unfeeling with patients but zero desire to become emotionally involved with them either. The idea that I'd need to portray otherwise to get into a program is gross.

How is it gross that some people care more than just the medical aspect of nursing?

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Oncology, OCN.
How is it gross that some people care more than just the medical aspect of nursing?

The idea that people do care isn't gross, the idea that I'd have to pretend to be one of them to have a good essay is.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Critical Care Transport, Cardiac ICU, Rapid.
The idea that people do care isn't gross, the idea that I'd have to pretend to be one of them to have a good essay is.

No one is saying that you need to portray being an emotional nurse to get in. If you put yourself in the shoes of an admissions individuals just imagine the typical essay they read day in and day out. Sure one essay describing how someone has a true love for medicine could be better than the other about someone pouring their heart out. Because of the details OP offered us many suggested writing more in depth about what they encountered in the hospital, which happened to be positive experiences.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
+ Join the Discussion