Really Upset

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Hi all i just need to vent here. So I am 30 days sober and clean today ... not sure how I feel about that just yet. Last night I went to a meeting that has a lot of nurses in recovery and after the meeting we were out smoking and talking. I mentioned how my story started and my first taste of Dilaudid was actually "accidental" meaning I forgot to throw out a waste went home and literally found it in my pocket a few days later. Being an alcoholic already I decided to try it and was hooked. So I mentioned this and an older nurse looked at me and said "oh the old I did not know it was in my pocket excuse" and rolled her eyes. I wanted to scream. First let me clarify this I was never ever caught EVER. I self reported so why would I lie about this and who did she think she was...the BON. UGH. I talked to my sponsor and got some good advice as to my side of the street but it seriously made me ****** off. i felt like I was being judged and that when I walked away from the little group talking that she was probably saying yeah she is never going to recover or worse. I actually was so excited to find this group of nurses and right now I don't think I want to go anymore. Even nurses in recovery can be nasty to each other. Thanks for letting me vent.

Hey there... You are really good at something.. Putting yourself down! I know how like a fish out of water (etoh and drugs) you must be feeling. You haven't had the opportunity to know yourself clean and sober. These can be numb days, questioning everything and feeling bad for the horrible choices you've made. Feeling like everyone has something special to contribute except you.

I agree with another reply that said a total newcomer will look at you with her 24 hours and admire your 30 days!! She just can't even relate to 5,10 years or even 1... But you, your 30 days will seem doable to her. Reach out to the truly new. Tell her what you've been doing to get the 30 days even if it is just showing up at a meeting and not using.

You may think this is ridiculous , but helping someone else I'm any small way will be the first steps to raising your self esteem. As far as being "wierd" or different..you'd be surprised to know the self doubt about our "clean" personalities a lot of us had. But in sharing these thoughts, we learned we were not unique in our feelings about ourselves. Shame, regret, worthlessness, and feeling " bad" about ourselves is so common. Learn to share what you feel..I guarantee it will bring about similar and very supportive responses. Also...look for the similarities in the people in meetings don't focus on the differences.

And stay out of the corner or back row...we call that Denial Aisle! Too easy too sneak out early. Keep going.. Your right where ya should be!! I promise it gets solo !much better!

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing!!!!

L

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Specializes in Med/Surg.

Thank you for your comments I really did not expect that kind of truth and support. I have opened up in my meetings about this and the similarities people have both there and here is amazing. Nice to know I am not alone. 1nicenurse I don't think i have ever sat in the back of an AA meeting because I thought newcomers were suppose to sit up front and i never leave early because I need my attendance thing signed (I would stay anyway regardless):up: I cannot leave AA because for once in my life I belong somewhere, even in my awkwardness. i even am starting to feel like I belong here. I am slowly trying to read people's posts here and try to respond in a selfless way because I need to feel like I am just not taking and taking from everyone here. I will say this in my 35 days sober I have been honest about everything and it has yet to come back to bite me in the butt. Today is a good day and even the little things like my 4 and a half month old playing on her playmat and really laughing is bringing me joy. Thank you again soo much I needed to hear and read your comments.

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Glad you're feeling better and enjoying your baby! Keep up the good work!

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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

You really must stop being so hard on yourself. You are a worthwhile person who deserves better! Being so negative about yourself can threaten your recovery; in your place, I would even go so far as to seek out another group or even professional help to deal with that part of you that wants to punish you for past sins.

I am dual-diagnosed with alcoholism and bipolar disorder. I'll never forget being newly sober and listening to an AA speaker who had made it to TEN YEARS sober, and I couldn't even fathom it. How in the world does a person go that long without drinking/using? Well, I not only made it to 10 years, I made it to almost 22 years......and then I took an overdose of Ativan on impulse one night last September. Technically, I didn't violate abstinence because it wasn't ETOH I consumed, but I count it as a slip because the motive---and the results---were exactly the same.

So now I'm not that much ahead of you (five months and 21 days). Every day I have to make the same conscious decision not to drink/use, just as you do. Your 30 days and one week are an accomplishment and you should celebrate every day that you triumph over the urge to drink. Like a PP said, to the person who's been sober for 24 hours you are a hero!

Hang in there, hon. You're doing better than you give yourself credit for. (((((HUGS)))))

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Specializes in LTC, Psych, Med/Surg.

Viva-

You gave wonderful advice to CSetzler. :up: For your part, I hope you have forgiven yourself for your mistake last September. You are doing better than you give yourself credit for , too! :hug:

Catmom :paw:

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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.
Viva-

You gave wonderful advice to CSetzler. :up: For your part, I hope you have forgiven yourself for your mistake last September. You are doing better than you give yourself credit for , too! :hug:

Catmom :paw:

Thank you. :) I did forgive myself after I confessed to my psychiatrist and my priest (and received absolution from both). I figured if God had forgiven me, I certainly had no business trashing myself any further. It was a mistake that I'll always be on guard to avoid repeating, but otherwise the circle has been closed.

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