really need advice on college essay!

amacalle · May 21, 2014

sorry it is a little long. I also had another question. They have a second optional essay, and nothing really comes to mind for me to write about. How important do you think the other essay will be?

Kuriin, BSN, RN · May 21, 2014

There are typically two essays, one is a personal statement and the other is a letter of intent. I would recommend you focus a lot of time working on the essays, proofreading them, etc. Do you happen to have any volunteer experience in the medical field?

amacalle · May 21, 2014

yep there is one that is a personal statement and another that asks if there is any additional info they should know about you or your family which is tough. Unfortunately, I don't have any medical volunteering experience either. It is so competitive to get a volunteering jobs in the hospitals in my area and they have about 4 or 5 month long waiting list just to get an orientation! I am planning on focusing on this over the summer after I move. I just found out that this program has rolling admissions and is still accepting students for the fall so I wanted to get a move on it. thanks for your help! I know it needs a lot of work and I should get brainstorming on the other essay as well

RunBabyRN · May 21, 2014

I would try writing both essays, and see what happens. Sometimes it's the prompt I didn't think I liked that ends up pulling something good out of me!

In your first paragraph, change "concrete" to "tangible," unless you actually mean concrete. The wording is weird. Also, before your last sentence, explain how you settled on nursing. You kind of just jump to it. You could also rework your last sentence to say something along the lines of, "I realized I wanted X,Y&Z out of a career, and after mulling it over/considering my options/a vision quest, nursing stood out above the rest, and it felt right/hit home/my heart felt happy."

Second paragraph, take out, "Not only that" and "not to jump the gun."

There are a variety of grammatical and punctuation errors that need some attention, but this also needs to be in your true writing style. Review your punctuation and grammar, as they will be vital when you're writing papers in nursing school, and you can lose points for these sorts of errors. I know that my research instructor was notorious for pointing out every comma or minor error. Put it into a Word document and look at all of the green that pops up. That'll give you a starting point.

Try not to use the word "things" in a formal essay. What are the good "things" you've heard about this program?

I think the overall feel of the essay is good. You have a good sense of the "point" of nursing, and the ideas that your instructors will want you to grasp (constant change, a variety of areas, patient advocacy, etc). This is a good point to convey! I also love that you want to work in rural areas, as the job market will be in your favor this way.

Good luck!

BusyBee91 · May 21, 2014

Coming out of high school, (maybe revise the prepositional phrase

I am really excited to get involved in the nursing field and to have the opportunity to work with changing technologies. I know that I will never stop learning and be constantly challenged. I want to be able to push myself, and with the intense demands of the profession mentally and emotionally, it is something that I will have to do every single day. Not only that, there are so many directions to go with nursing, and I can't wait to explore them during school and throughout my career.

Not to jump the gun, but I would love to eventually get a graduate degree as a Nurse Practitioner and be able to work as a primary care provider. With all the amazing innovations and changes happening in the medical field, and a active fast paced work environment, I know I have really found the direction I want to be headed in.

I have always loved science, but more than anything I have found that I really want to work with people. Forming relationships, being able to help and just be there for people is what is most important in my life. To have the ability to do just that through your work is a really special opportunity. I know that nursing is oftentimes a thankless job, but I am an unshakable person and I am able to take the worst in stride. Working with patients at the bedside, always being their advocate, and helping them understand their treatments and how to heal makes this work really worthwhile.

After hearing so many great things about University of Maine at Fort Kent's nursing program, I know that getting a degree here will give me the confidence and knowledge to be able know what I am doing is right and be able to grow and learn as the field of nursing changes. (

My family really counts on me and I am going to make them proud by working in the noble field of nursing. To find an active career that blends all of my interests in science and technology, working with people, and the opportunity to work in a rural area is so exciting. I would be honored to have the opportunity to study at Fort Kent.

--looks pretty good. Things I'd add are in bold, things I'd remove are underlined, and notes are italicized. I think overall, you could use some commas and may need to review your knowledge of run-on sentences.

Also, don't be afraid to vary your sentence structure a bit; semicolons are your friends. Questions?

amacalle · May 21, 2014

Wow! thank you guys so much for the help and specific advice ! I have definitely forgotten a lot of the rules on comma usage and will have to review them. The saddest part is I just took an English class this past semester, but the teacher was not at all helpful. I really appreciate the help

amacalle · May 22, 2014

here are some revisions I cut it down a bit and changed the intro. what do you think?

“Working banker’s hours now, huh?” the men I worked with would joke as I walked down the bridge. Twice a week, I got out of work an hour early to make it to my EMT class. On those days the eleven hours of construction labor were like a walk in the park, as I looked forward to hearing about medical terminology, anatomy, and all sorts of diseases and injuries in class. Working on the Martin’s Point Bridge forced me to push myself beyond what I thought I was physically capable; it gave me the motivation to make the tough decisions about my future and to do what it take to pursue them.

I had never felt this way about school before. I loved the EMT class and knew that I wanted a future in medicine. After a lot of research and exploration, I’ve found that nursing is the direction for me; it is a constantly evolving field with room for growth, and would allow me to work with people, especially those in rural areas.

I want to continue to push myself. With the intense emotional and mental demands of the profession, it is something that I will have to do every single day. There are so many directions to go with nursing that I will be able explore during school and throughout my career. I want to eventually get a graduate degree as a Nurse Practitioner, and to work as a primary care provider. With all the amazing innovations and changes happening in the medical field, along with the active fast paced work environment, I’ll never stop learning.

I look forward to continuing my science education, but more than anything I have found that I really want to work with people. Forming relationships, being able to help, and to just be there for people is what is most important in my life; to have the ability to do that through your work is a really special opportunity. Working with patients at the bedside, always being their advocate, and helping them understand their treatments and how to heal makes this work really worthwhile.

I have heard so much positive feedback about University of Maine at Fort Kent’s nursing program: how supportive the community is, the excellent preparation, classes and professors. I know that getting a degree here will give me the confidence and knowledge to grow and learn as the field of nursing changes. I also really love that Fort Kent is in a rural area, and can’t wait to explore the region. Although I am originally from suburban NJ, I have always had my heart set on living and working in a rural area. I lived in Downeast Maine for a few years before I had to relocate to Portland due to work. I can’t wait to move back to a small town while I am in school, and think that a career in healthcare is the best chance I have to help my community.

My family really counts on me, and I am going to make them proud by working in the nursing field. To find an active career that blends all of my interests in science and technology, working with people, and the opportunity to work in a rural area is so exciting. I would be honored to have the opportunity to study at Fort Kent.

RunBabyRN · May 22, 2014

That version is much better! Still a few flow things to work out and minor grammatical errors, so do some proofreading. Make sure all of the parts of each sentence are in the same tense, and really reread them to make sure they actually make sense (a couple of them aren't quite there). Also, the paragraph that ends in "worthwhile," try "meaningful." I would also rework your first sentence. It's a little too "storybook," and doesn't flow with the rest of your essay, which is markedly better.

I think with just a couple of minor tweaks, you've got it. :)

amacalle · May 22, 2014

thank you! I had a couple other people look at the essay and help me proofread. I just submitted it, only to find out from an admissions counselor that they don't really look at the essay for people who have college credit, only students right out of high school! On the bright side, I should be accepted and if I don't decide to go to Fort Kent, I have an essay to work off of when I apply to other programs. I really appreciate all the help and feel good about the final product!

RunBabyRN · May 23, 2014

Of course they don't look at it (of course you never know- that counselor may not know what she's talking about). Sigh. LOL At least you do have it, though. Definitely good. It's good to review your essay writing prior to starting, anyway, particularly if it's been awhile, as you'll be getting plenty of practice in school! I hope it all works out for you!