Quick to pass judgement??

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Specializes in ICU/ER.

I had a patient die the other night. Sad as always. She had a room full of siblings, her parents and her kids. Hearing a mother and a daughter wail and cry over the body of a loved one is something I will never get used too.

This patient had a long death, intubated, lots of drips and we were doing everything we could to keep her alive at the families insistence. Finally the decision was made to make her a no code.

If I heard it once, I heard it 10x from various staff "well she made bad choices" as if she planned this, as if this patient wanted to watch her family suffer. I heard even from my own dear best friend and fellow nurse "it is not like she had cancer or something, she made her choices"

I simply responded with "ya well I have made bad choices too"

The patient was HIV+

We dont know how this woman(sister-daughter-mother-friend) acquired AIDS, i just assumed drugs, but I dont know. Regardless it really does not matter.

Now I have been known to gripe about the obese pts that cant wipe themselves and I have made comments to fellow nurses like "I didnt make them eat the entire cheesecake" and that is snide and snippy of me I know. So I too am quick to judge. What is it with nurses that do this? Is it some sort of coping mechanism they use to deal with the sadness or frustration in our job ? As it is much easier to say "well she made bad choices" then to put your self in that situation.

I am sure we are all guilty of passing judgment---but as nurses should we be? We see the best and the worst of people--we more than any profession know how short life is and at times how unfair life is.

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I think it is a coping mechanism for all people, not just nurses. Sometimes there is just too much to deal with. Other times things go against our belief system or they make us uncomfortable and rather than be ugly disagreeing with someone, or dealing with our own internal issues, it is simply easier to deal with it in this way.

I don't cry at every death anymore. I don't get upset every time a pt is hurting, crying, vomiting, or even crashing on me. I simply take care of the situation. If I allowed myself to be upset every single time, I would be unable to perform my duties. I have heard many people get angry because staff laugh and joke at what appears to be inappropriate times. But these outsiders don't understand that the humor is a coping mechanism for the staff. A way to take some pressure off and be able to remain focus and objective.

As you gain more experience you will develop your own coping mechanisms to deal with the stress. I hope that you will avoid the harmful ones such as ETOH, drugs, and risky behaviors and use humor or something else to keep yourself going.

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Specializes in CCU, SICU, ICU.

Racing Mom, ((((hugs)))) to you. I don't think it gets any easier (at least in my experience) to care for a dying patient and family. Maybe that's why we choose to distance ourselves from the situation by blaming the victim. Most of us have heard/made those comments you mentioned. Sometimes it helps me to keep the emotion at arm's length so that I can be most effective and compassionate in my care. Other times I think it's just my own shortcomings as a human being peeking through. :twocents:

Once again, kudos to you for the care and comfort you provided in a difficult situation!!

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I do think it is something that happens to nurses after many years in the field, we tend to have grown a protective wall, we see SO much , its hard to cope with .BUT I do think that it is IMPERATIVE to at least TRY to withold judgement,with our patients, because as the OP said we all are far from perfect. My sig. line sort of sums up how I feel about nurses ( or anyone)being overly judgemental.

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Specializes in LTC, Med/Surg, Peds, ICU, Tele.

It's human nature to make judgements. We should try not to judge judgers too much, since we all fall into that catagory at times.

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I had a similar gut reaction to what I considered to be "judgemental" comments from my fellow nurses. I was a baby nurse and working in the ER and heard awful comments about how victims of rape, asked for it...simply because they hadn't locked their car door or walked in a seedy part of town.

In researching this, I came across severaly studies that thought that the closer the situation matched with the nurse's lifestyle, the more threatening it became. It seems one of the remidies for threatening situations is searching for something the nurse wouldn't do and then blaming the victim for that very action. It's pretty scary seeing a "normal" looking women dying of AIDS. Maybe she looked like their daughter or themself, it's easier to think of her using IV drugs, because they don't, thus comforting themself.

I don't know, just looking at the possibility makes me back away when I get a real "gut check" from a patient. I know there is something wrong with me and I try very hard not to make myself feel better by making the patient feel worse.

I hope that makes sense. It's a hard subject. Debra

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Specializes in Hospital Education Coordinator.

Just to give another viewpoint: I am diabetic. Last year I had three episodes of hypoglycemia requiring trips to ER where I work. Comments were made like "What did you do"? "Why did you let this happen"? That really hurt my feelings, because I am trying to keep tight control, but believe me, the disease is not always 100% controllable.

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We are all only human after all, may be the hardest thing is to forgive ourselves, I guess we can only STRIVE to be compassionate and non judgemental and be aware of others needs above our own, when nursing someone.

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Specializes in oncology, trauma, home health.

Yeah, that really gets me. At my old unit I had a lady who had had ONE glass of wine with dinner, drove, accident, now a vegetable. It was SO SAD, yet people would say "She was wasted" etc..

Or the hundreds of attempted suicides we would see. The running "joke" (mainly by the obnoxious always-on-my-space-nurse) was "We have to get a book published on how to do it right! "Ha ha ha ha. This all said as I tended to my 20 yr old Irag war vet with a shot gun blast through his left chest..

It's like this, the more we has humans know a person's story, the more compassionate we become.

Good luck to you! Carry on with your great nursing.

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Specializes in LTC, Med/Surg, Peds, ICU, Tele.

See what I mean? :saint:

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Specializes in oncology, trauma, home health.
See what I mean? :saint:

No, do you mean that I am judging the judgers by the myspace account comment? If so then you are right, I judge too....

Shamefully moving on..

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:bugeyes:Oi, judgers judging the judgers judging the judgers, Im getting dizzy......

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