CryssyD

Smile a lot, and touch a lot. Tell your little patients that there's going to be an owwie, and we are going to see who can yell louder, you or me. Recruit parents into doing the dirty work--"Mommy is going to hold your arm so the straw can get into your vein." Make a bargain--"If you let me take your temperature, I'll turn on the video."

Nursing isn't for everyone, it's true. Still, you may find a niche somewhere that will pay the bills until you decide what else to do. One of the best things about nursing is that it's such a broad field--most people can find a specialty or sub-specialty that suits them. It really sounds to me like you hate the place you're in--an acute cardiac step-down unit is a busy, busy place. You need a change of scenery-- I can hear your stress in your writing. Find a better job, go back to school, and get into a career you can love. Good luck!

First, so glad you caught the CA early; I hope you are doing well. I never was unable to produce, but I am sure that my case manager would have blown a gasket if I had been. My program was absolutely "no excuses" about anything--not producing a specimen was considered a failure to test and was treated like a positive. Basically they considered it an admission of guilt. It will almost certainly get easier for you. I'm a real pee-test pro, myself--I can pee anywhere, anytime, and as for observers, hey, the more the merrier! No, anxiety is not all in your head and as mental health professionals they should know that; shame on them. You'll get better at managing it, though, you'll see. Benzos aren't the best way to handle anxiety anyway, they just sweep the symptoms under the rug. Stay positive and find a good therapist--it's one of the best things you can do for yourself. I'm so glad your employer put you on leave instead of letting you go, and it's good that you self-reported. You will probably be able to return to work relatively soon, as long as you can test! You have to show how well you're doing, and the urine drug screens enable you to do that. Think of them that way--as evidence FOR you rather than against you. It sounds like you're doing well so far--keep it up! We're all pulling for you! Keep us posted.

Ok, this is going to sound paranoid, I know. But honestly I think they lied to you, just to see if you would fall apart and "confess." I don't know how they could possibly justify such behavior, but I don't think they worry about it. From where they're sitting, anything they do is OK because they are acting out of concern for "public safety." At my last job, I was told that they (my employer) sometimes wait several days before telling people their tests are negative; the idea is to see whether they get antsy and anxious and over-concerned (which means they're afraid the test will show something). I know the programs believe that addicts are all manipulative liars, but as one who can't STAND mind games I wish they would grow the f#@ But you didn't fall for it--that's awesome. And now you're done! I am so, so happy for you!!!!!!!

In the program I was in (used Affinity), a "non-negative" meant the test itself was negative but wasn't counted "negative" because the creatinine or specific gravity were abnormal in some way (ie--dilute). It meant there is some possibility of tampering (from their perspective) so it couldn't be credited as "negative." A way for them to justify more testing, I think. I'm sure you don't need to be overly-concerned. The lady who ran the testing site I used the most told me "everyone has a dilute sometime in the first year--I think they just tell you that to see what you say." She tested a lot of people--if she said it's just the way they do things, I believe her.

Awesome!!! You did it! YAAAAYYYY!

If I remember right, here in Virginia the program tests up to 56 times a year--I think the minimum is 47 or so. If you test positive, you can expect the total number, as well as frequency, to go up--way up. I paid over $3500 over 5 years, and that was just the lab fees; the testing site fees were $21-$29 each time. And if you couldn't afford them (an easy boat to be in when you aren't allowed to work), they wouldn't change anything, they would just notify the Board you couldn't continue in the program and would kick you out. No completed program, no license. You find the money to test, go to rehab, go to counseling, and go to Caduceus meetings (which charge $50 a month to monitor your attendance)--or you find a new career. Super helpful, huh?

I got my DUI for using a muscle relaxant that was prescribed for me. Had nothing whatsoever to do with my being a nurse, except that I should have known better than to take it before I got home. I did anywhere from 2 to 4 tests a month for 5 years, and never once dreamed I would get an "exception." These programs treat all participants exactly the same. It's much easier for them that way, and they don't have to worry about being held liable if they made an individual assessment that turns out to be wrong. It isn't really fair, but that's just how it is. Be careful about considering alcohol as separate from drugs. It's still a mind-altering substance, people abuse it, and people get addicted to it. Try telling a recovering alcoholic that it's OK to drink occasionally. Please don't get on that high horse--alcoholics aren't any better than or different from drug addicts. ALL addicts think the circumstances of their lives are unique and the normal rules don't apply to them. If you go to meetings, ask your sponsor or any longtime member about how different you are from everyone else and only one DUI years ago means you don't have a problem. He's heard it before, I guarantee it. I know I've heard it before--from almost every newcomer to my NA group. Besides, everyone has only one DUI--until they get their second. Sorry to come down on you like that, because I don't know you. It's entirely possible that you don't have a problem with alcohol. The thing is, it isn't up to the program to prove that you ARE an addict: It's up to YOU to prove that you're NOT. Best wishes, and good luck. Don't ask your monitor--it'll be wasted breath.

I am so proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself. Yay you! You are on the right path--stay on it. Be good to yourself, and love yourself--you are precious. I feel that you are a strong person--you will recover. Don't let depression drag you down to those depths again--I know it gets heavy, but remember that any burden can be borne if it is shared. Let other people help you--you deserve it!

Yes--it was such an anti-climax: After all the anxiety, all the worry, all the oh-my-god-it-never-ends....it was over. I tried to check in and found I couldn't. I called Affinity in a panic--"You need to talk to your case manager." Called her, and got a cool "Don't you remember I said you would be getting a letter from me?" Uh, no, or I wouldn't be calling you all freaked out, would I? I think it's their last little head game--surprise, you're finished. No more monitoring. No more drug tests. No more reports. No more feeling like you're hanging out of a window, holding on by your fingernails, and expecting your b!#(h of a case manager to hammer your fingers any minute now. It's that last little bit of cruelty that really convinced me that these are not good people. I guess they think it's funny. Or something. I didn't think it was funny at all. But hey, the good news is that it's over! Yay! Congrats! Once the adrenaline wears off, it's a great feeling, isn't it? A little strange, but really good. Yay you!

Go up the chain, all the way to the administrator if you have to. This CNA is putting the patients assigned to her at risk. Is a patient going to have to get injured before this person loses her job? I would do it nicely, but try framing your next complaint/write-up in the context of patient safety/liability; sometimes the brass don't respond to anything but the threat of angry family members and lawsuits. It also protects you, in that you have it on paper that you anticipated trouble and tried (repeatedly) to get something done about it, so they can't throw it in your lap when something does happen. Good luck.

There are a lot of things in this world that we don't yet understand. People can perceive things in ways we haven't quite discovered how to describe yet--some people can see past events in others' lives, some can discern a person's character instantly. Energy may flow in patterns we haven't discovered. We don't know all that we don't know, if you know what I mean. When I see or experience things that I can't explain rationally, I tend to just accept that I don't understand and not worry about it. As far as the non-ambulatory patient suddenly walking, a fellow nurse once told me that people nearing death can have a sudden, temporary improvement in their condition. I don't know if it's true, but maybe she had experienced something like you did. I personally believe in prophecy, as it is supposed to be a gift of the Spirit. However, on finding that one has been gifted, focus on the Giver, not the gift--it is easy to get so wrapped up in a special ability that you can forget what it is supposed to do--as are all things in the life of a believer: glorify God. Interesting post.

Awesome attitude--I'm glad you're doing well! We do bad-mouth the programs a lot--they are one-size-fits-all, it's too expensive, they are too nit-picky about stupid stuff--but if it's helpful for you that's great. I think it's wonderful you're so positive about it.

State: Virginia Program: HPMP--nasty people, lousy program, never got the feeling anyone really gave a crap, I can't say enough bad things about them; I hope they've changed, but I doubt it. My first case manager didn't give a rip, my next one was an ice-cold hard-*ss. Sober time: N/A--for me, it was about so much more than that Employment: Yes--got a job my first year--the boss had over 20 years clean, she understood the situation and believed in second chances; have since moved to a different job--all going well Something positive: Anything positive I gained was in spite of the program rather than because of it--except for the fact that I would probably never have entered therapy without being forced to by them. My therapist was amazing. Other stuff: I finished my 5 year contract a year ago--it feels like forever, y'all, but it does end one day. Hang in there!

Hmmm. How do I say this nicely? The only nurse I ever worked with who said she went into it for the money (after years of bartending, which can actually be quite lucrative in the right setting) was a fairly lousy nurse. Not to impugn your character, Aliens, but all the people telling you that nursing is more than a way to pay the bills aren't blowing smoke up your rear end. You have to understand that nursing is stressful because nurses, for the most part, care. They are there for the patients, not the paycheck. It's why you know aren't going to get out on time but you spend the extra 20 minutes comforting or explaining or trying to lip-read your trached patient anyway; it's why you miss lunch or pee breaks, because every time you try to get a few minutes to yourself you find someone on the way down the hall who needs something. OK, sometimes it feels like self-interest--fine, I'll put the whiny old prune on the bedpan, because if I don't she'll jump over the side rails and land on her face and I'll have to fill out tons of paperwork and listen to her daughter scream at me on the phone and the supervisor scream at me in person. But really it's because you care. If you didn't care, it wouldn't bother you that you're spread too thin; you put in your time and go home. If you do care, you can get stressed out in any setting when things aren't going well or you just don't have the time to do what you know you should. I've worked numerous areas, mainly because I spent several years working for an agency; all of them had stress--even private duty home health (the stress of being bored out of my skull--I would rather work L&D, and I hate L&D with a passion). I'd love to cruise around in fast cars and travel all the time, too. I too wanted a job that didn't get in the way of my playtime. But I was too scared to deal drugs and too proud to be a gold-digger. It's not about stress--it's about loving the kind of stress you'll have. Find out what setting and what pace you enjoy, and make your decisions based on what works for you.

Congratulations! Wow--Hawaii--I am so jealous! What a wonderful place for a new start--best of luck to you!

Wow. I agree with many of the above posts. If it really is happening every day, it's waaaay beyond outpatient therapy, even 3 days a week. Your observations indicate that the present treatment is not working. This poor child needs inpatient evaluation and treatment. Meet with Mom if you can, get permission to speak with the therapist, and hopefully they will agree to sign the child in. If that doesn't work--soon--call Child Services. Please.

I feel you. I put on 30 pounds within 2 years--food was my substitute for cigarettes, and those times when I REALLY needed a drink. All those healthy coping skills I didn't have--it really showed in stressful situations, and me and my family went through some really bad times. I really relate to your identity crisis--I went through the same sort of thing. When I was really depressed and down on life, the best and healthiest way of coping with it was to drag myself in to work to take care of sick kids, people who needed me. Also, work was one of the very few places in my life I felt competent. The idea of losing that forever--some days I could just barely deal with it. But I got through it. I had an awesome therapist, which was a godsend--I don't know how I could have done it without her. I learned how to accept and love myself just for being me, warts and all. I gained some badly needed self esteem and coping skills. I was also lucky that my sponsor was willing to use the steps as a starting point, rather than gospel. One example--I don't believe in the first step, I don't believe in being helpless; helpless-and-hopeless is what was killing me. I think lots of women need empowerment for successful recovery, not helplessness. You can gain the power to say No--to family, to work, to those who have abused you in the past and those who would abuse you now if you let them. You can still depend on your Higher Power for guiding your mind to good and healthy choices--but they are YOUR choices. It's OK to be proud of yourself when you make the right choice, just as it's OK to forgive yourself when you don't. It really will get better. I know it's hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel, but it really is there. Hang in there.

We could probably give more useful advice if we had some idea of your background and prior experience, but I'll toss in my two cents. I started out in peds, then moved to big people after about 15 years. It was a bit of a shock--I had to brush up on some med-surg stuff I hadn't seen since nursing school. If you're moving in the opposite direction, I'm sure it's similar--there's lots of stuff in peds you never see in adults. Add in all the size differences, drug dose calculations, tiny veins and volumes, developmental stuff, and parents, and it can feel like another planet. I'm sure you'll get a very thorough orientation. Ask questions, take your time, listen to parents--no one knows a kid better, and always listen to your gut--usually it will tell you the kid is going downhill long before the monitor alarms start ringing. Good luck--peds/PICU is an awesome place to work.

So sorry! For the whole monitoring period I lived in dread of a false positive, because the attitude was so totally "no excuses." I will keep you in my thoughts/prayers.

I strongly second the above post--brand new nurses just don't belong in corrections: you don't have the assessment skills or the general experience that gives you confidence. Your actions (or lack thereof) will be challenged often in prison by personality-disordered offenders who want attention, happy drugs, a vacation in your infirmary, or a field trip to the hospital; you need the confidence to stand up to them in a believable way, and if you don't have confidence the offenders will pick up on that instantly (and try to take advantage of it). It can be done, of course--some new nurses will be OK in corrections, but I strongly believe that most will flounder. Try a year in the local hospital--ER is a great springboard for a corrections career. Good luck, whatever you do!

I worked 5 or so years in a medium-security prison. I thought I would hate it, but I really kind of loved it! My previous experience has been all over the place--all ages, PICU to long-term psych, walk-in clinic to hospice; I get bored easily and seek out new challenges--and prison was definitely that. But I really liked it once I settled into it. It was mostly an organizational/time management challenge, with flexibility and the ability to wear many hats at the same time the most important skills. Character matters in corrections, too--you have to be really honest, really committed, and really non-judgmental to make it, I think. You also need confidence in your abilities--especially the ability to keep a straight face and professional manner, no matter what. As I said, I did the prison thing--jails are a wee bit different. Hope it works out for you, whatever you do!

Completely normal--you're a new RN, you shouldn't feel you know everything; new nurses who think they know it all scare the bejeebers out of me. I've been an RN for a long time but I recently changed specialties, so I know where you're coming from. It does get better, but never as quickly as you would like! Hang in there!

To answer your initial question, YES it does--there is a light at the end of this tunnel! Keep trying and keep believing--you WILL get a job! Only 3 reports a year? That's awesome--my stips included monthly reports for the whole 5 years. I tried numerous places, and only a few would even interview me. I found work at a local prison--they use as few narcs as possible, and you can always put your recovery experience forward as a selling point, because it really is an asset in corrections; lots of substance issues in corrections, and the concepts of recovery are also important in rehabilitating criminals (honesty, accountability, making amends, starting over with a new perspective, etc). So I recommend looking into local jails/prisons for employment. Best of luck to you! Remember, you are going through a rough patch right now, but if you keep moving forward you will get through it!

In my state, nurses who diverted narcotics for personal use were eligible for the program; those who were found to be diverting in order to sell were not eligible. As far as finding out about other investigations, etc, it's up to you how much you want to rely on luck--that is, if you are currently being investigated for activities the program didn't previously know about, it is likely that they will be unhappy if they initially hear about it from anyone other than you. Honesty is highly valued in recovery, as I'm sure you're aware, and any attempts to hide investigations/legal actions/complaints against you will reflect badly on you and will probably compromise your ability to continue with CANDO. But, as I said, that's up to you.