spotangel

Working as an ER nurse, I had a student around 2005 shadow me in the ER for around 5-6 months. She was hired as a student tech and could do vitals, fingersticks, urines and EKG. The first week she followed me around and watched what I did and I talked her through some of the cases. I also had her go to an empty ED bay and do a scavenger hunt for all equipments, supplies and learn the setup of each bay and where stuff was kept in the ED. During down time or if the pace was slow or sluggish we went over common case and the 5 tier triage system. We also went over critical thinking and anticipating protocols in codes. She also had to go through the algorithms to learn and figure out meds especially while coding the patient although she was hands off and observed in actual emergencies. She had a chance to question me about why we did what we did. She observed me doing NG,Foley's , heplocks, blood draws, conscious sedation protocols etc etc. I used our orientee checklist to guide her as the school protocols were very vague! I basically taught her what I would teach an ED RN orientee. She had to go back to school after the 6 months were done. I moved to a different ED within the system as a supervisor. Years later, I met her in the ED while I was covering the hospital as the house supervisor (Assistant Director of Nursing). When I rounded in the ED I asked to speak to the charge Nurse, guess who showed up as charge! She took one look and ran and hugged me! She had joined the ED after I left and now ran the ED in a stellar manner! I couldn't have been more prouder!

I loved my concept analysis paper. Was clueless in the beginning and stumped! Not to worry. All normal stuff. I did this paper in 1998 but remember doing on a topic that interested me which is intuition. I followed the rubric and the guidelines and questions if any on the paper( can't remember it in detail honestly since it's been so many years!). I remember nursing theories that I used to relate to the topic and research articles and real life examples. This website gives you a step by step process to write it. https://gradecrest.com/nursing-concept-analysis-paper-guide/ Google -example of concept analysis in nursing for more information and sample papers. I would suggest you pick a concept you are passionate about or interested in as it would be more interesting to you especially when you are doing the literature search. Here is another resource on nursing topics. https://scholar.Google.com/scholar?q=Concept+analysis+nursing+topics&hl=en&as_sdt=0&as_vis=1&oi=scholart Best of luck! PM me if I can be of any further assistance to you! School is tough but know you got this, one step at a time! Cheers!

Beautiful! Yes please!

Lot of strong emotions here. OP ! Sounds like you are a terrific nurse and a facility will be lucky to have you with your expertise and compassion. Even though since science supports vaccinations and only medical exemptions are accepted by mainstream health care, who is really looking at the "data" presented to verify the authenticity and bias? Is there any data on the unvaccinated versus vaccinated health care worker using PPES faithfully and contracting covid? Some of the facilities that oked nurses asymptomatic with positive covid to work are now firing nurses for not taking the vaccine! I am pro vaccine but also pro choice in this respect. The issue is that most places don't want you without your covid shots and so making a decision not to take it comes with consequences. Meanwhile I have a medical exemption due to an anaphylactic reaction to Moderna dose one and get PCR tested every week. In my opinion if a staff is willing to do that, give them a choice to wear PPES and get tested weekly. Don't we take care of unvaccinated patients and not refuse care? I get tested and am negative every week but many staff that I know have got covid after their booster shot! Lets learn to respect differences in opinion though we may not agree to another's opinion or choices. OP, I hope you get a job at a facility that does not mandate covid vaccine. Stay safe. Peace to all!

Congrats to all winners! Well deserved!

Spot on M. Lee! Great article! My passion outside Nursing has always been writing! I tend to file away interesting interactions, heart tuggers in my daily work day for a future article! I sometimes jot down words or phrases used on a tiny paper and stick it in my wallet. Later I have an oh yeah moment! When I write it comes down like a faucet! I go back later to mostly spellcheck or read to see if it makes sense!

Agree with @dusky1228 Totally not normal. Once you have an assignment, you call the patients and schedule appointments and plan your day. The only hiccup would be an add on as someone called out and the pt needs an urgent visit today. This way you can work another job if you need too. I would start looking at other agencies or/ and for a more predictable schedule that fits your needs. All luck @donnydilaudid

@Daisy4RNI Love that you put a biblical quote or verse daily! I have a white board on my office door with a Psalm written. People stop and read. Sometimes come in and thank me. I feel that now more than ever we need to be there for each other in these stressful times. One of my patient’s always stop once a month, by my office for a cup of tea, an encouraging word and reminds me that she needs her hug before she leaves! This patient used to be escorted out for her behavior of screaming and yelling! I firmly believe that everyone is born with a kernel of goodness inside and once we tap into it, the outcome can be pleasantly different! The lion and the lamb side by side!??

Thank you @GrumpyRN for your viewpoint. These happened on Christmas Eve- a birth, a homeless family given gifts and a death. So I was able to connect it in my mind to the Christmas story of the Holy Family. Jesus life ended in an agonizing painful death just like the patient Mary’s last few hours on earth where her family had to make a decision to respect her wishes and let go. I do agree that we see a spike of deaths around the holidays! To me, death is a reality and doesn’t ruin Christmas or any other day it happens. I use that day to honor that life that graced the earth with their unique contribution. Yes, I may cry and miss them but that’s the same reason I love fiercely today since tomorrow is never promised. A mythical God to you is a real God to me. Nevertheless I respect your opinions even though I respectfully disagree with you! Cheers and Happy New Year @GrumpyRN! ???

Thanks @Daisy4RN I think we nurses have a special mission of healing others not just physically but mentally and spiritually. Sometimes it’s a coworker that needs an encouraging word or even a hug. When we sense a need, don’t overthink it but ask the Holy Spirit to guide your actions or words! I cannot tell you the number of times I have heard, “ Nurse I needed to hear that! You were put in my path today for a reason! Thank you!” So we have been placed in Nursing ,to choose to do good daily and make a difference with patients, coworkers and people that cross our path. So one good deed a day is pay enough for my heart!

Amen to that! Friends YOU can choose! Have people that lift you up not tear you down as your nearest and dearest!

Everyone watches the schedule like a hawk to see who gets the holiday off especially Christmas! We had to work every alternate year. Sometimes some interactions made us pause and reminded us of the true meaning of Christmas once we stripped away the hype and jazz. December 24, 2004- O' Holy Night! The moaning was quiet but intense. I stopped in my tracks my ears perking up. Was it from room 12 that I was covering for RN Ruth's lunch hour? I went into the two-bedded room. An elderly lady was on the first stretcher. "Thank God! Nurse! Can you help that child! She has been screaming for the longest and no one's come in to check her!" "Thank you ma'am!", I acknowledged as I hurried past her to the next stretcher behind the curtain. A young woman was writhing in pain, her legs thrashing around, sweat beading her forehead. She was wearing jeans and an oversized sweater. " Hi, I am Annie, a Registered Nurse. What is your name miss?" "Samantha White. call me Sam!" "When is your birthday Sam?" "April 10, 1987", she gasped out. 17 years old, I calculated. This was the abdominal pain x 2 days that Ruth had told me about. She had not been evaluated yet. "What's going on? I can see you are in pain" "I have pain. It's getting worse. I feel constipated but nothing is coming out." "What kind of pain is it?" "It comes and goes. I am passing gas but cannot poop!" The pain looked out of proportion to what she was telling me. I helped her change into a gown. Her abdomen looked big. I took her vitals and threw in a line in her, collected labs and started a saline drip. I had to stop in between as she was in pain. A growing suspicion in my head, I casually made conversation as I hooked her up to the saline. Her mom was in Florida, her brother was at work. No one else at home. She had irregular periods and was occasionally sexually active. There was a pediatric resuscitation room next door with a single stretcher and I moved her over. I had done a quick abdominal exam and was pretty sure I knew what was going on. I excused myself and went to my buddy Dr. Richard Nordin. "Rich, come with me! You are going to love this!" As we walked to the room, I discussed my findings and what I thought was going on. "You probably right Annie", he said walking into the room with me. I introduced him and he did a quick abdominal examination nodding at me. I set her up for a pelvic exam and assisted him. We then pulled chairs and sat near her. Sam was holding my hand tightly. Rich gently broke the news to her. "Sam we know why you are in so much pain!" "Why?" Sam gasped as another pain hit her. "Sam! You are pregnant. Nurse Annie felt the baby when she checked your abdomen. I confirmed it when I checked you lady partslly." Sam started shaking, crying uncontrollably clutching my hands. "Sam you are having labor pains. It comes and goes and it's going to come more frequently. You may have your baby today!", I gently told her. "Don't eat or drink anything from now. You have IV fluids going and that will hydrate you." "Annie, I will call OB-Gyn and NICU to come to the ER. Can you set up?", Rich asked me as he walked out. I got the L&D pack and baby resuscitation pack ready, checked suction, and turned on the baby warmer. I stayed with her, reassuring her and timing her contractions. This was her first baby and she was progressing real fast. I thanked God for my experience delivering babies in the back of ambulances and in tents in Saudi Arabia as a Public Health Nurse.I was ready and able if this baby decided to show its head now! "Sam who can I call to come to the hospital?" After all, she was a minor and it would be good to have family there. She gave me her brother Alex's number. Alex was 24 years old and working. As I called his number from the wall phone in the room, the OB team and the NICU team arrived and took over. Sam's contractions were five minutes apart and she was screaming with pain and fear. "Hi, Alex! This is Nurse Annie from Providence Hospital Emergency Room. Sam is here and we are taking care of her." "Is that my sister screaming in the background? What are you guys doing to her?" "We are not hurting her Alex. We are helping her. She is in a lot of pain. Can you come?" "I am on my way!" I gave him the hospital address and asked him to ask for me when he came to the ER. He must have gone through every light and was there in 15 minutes. I escorted him to our family room and Rich met us there. We told him what was happening and he was in shock. As we walked him to the resuscitation room we heard a wail of a crying baby from the room. "Congrats! Looks like you have become an uncle! ", I softly told him as tears sprang in both our eyes. When they opened the door, I got a glimpse of a beautiful child wrapped up in hospital blankets. The NICU team whisked her upstairs and the OB Team took Sam to L&D with a shellshocked Uncle Alex following. I heard that Sam had a girl child. I clocked out at 11.30 pm and left after high-fiving Rich! As I drove home on the empty highway on that peaceful night, I thought of another birth 2000 years ago in a stable, of a young girl much like Sam who didn't have an extended family to support her during her delivery! I am sure she would have loved to have a nurse with her for support and guidance! As I drove home, I hummed along with my favorite radio station. As I pulled into my driveway Mariah Carey was singing "Oh! Holy night! the stars are brightly shining! It is the night of our dear savior's birth!" I felt happy that I assisted in Sam's Christmas Miracle. I checked in on mother and baby the next day (yup, I worked Christmas day too) during my break time. Got her a huge pink giraffe balloon and some onesies from the gift shop. Her mom was flying in from Florida that evening, she told me. She had named her beautiful girl Christina meaning follower of Christ! Assisting Sam in her time of need and seeing beautiful Christina: that was my Christmas Gift that year from my savior Jesus Christ! December 24, 2006- To Receive The ER was dead and we were bored. There were 17 of us and 3 patients! Each ER bay was stocked, dinner trays were served and we were itching to do something. Christmas Carols were playing on the secretary's computer and we were chatting with each other about the ethnic dishes we had made for our staff Christmas dinner celebration. We laughed and shook our heads over some of our coworkers who always managed to get Christmas off somehow! We were stuck here but it was a good team and we were going to make the best of it! The call came in from triage. A mom with three children under the age of 10 had arrived. The little one John was three, had fever, was screaming, and might have an ear infection as per triage. They came into the ER, the three-year-old's frightened screams preceding them. As charge nurse, I put them in the pediatric resuscitation room with its wallpapers lined with Winnie the POOH, Eeyore, and piglet! The ceiling had Disney characters stuck on them! I figured it would ease the anxiety somewhat! Seemed like a straightforward case of ear infection. I assigned Dr. Taylor and RN Ruth to the case. They saw the patient. Both ears were red and irritated and he was to get Ceftriaxone IM. That was a battle in itself leaving two nurses exhausted as the little tyke John was very strong! His cries were sharp and pierced right through your eardrums! Thankfully between the crying, Motrin, and the ceftriaxone, he fell asleep and we had a bit of heavenly peace! When Ruth went to discharge the child, the mother told her that she had no place to go. They lived in a shelter that closed at 9 pm. Since it was Christmas Eve, we would have to wait till Christmas day for the ER social worker to come in and make arrangements with the shelter to take them back. Since they would stay the night in the ER, we wanted to make it special for them. We quickly huddled and came up with a plan. We were like busy elves. At almost 11 o'clock, I went to their room and knocked. Hiding a Christmassy bell behind my back, I shook it and opened the door. The older two kids, Bert and Jina who were 9 and 7, were still up reading books we had given them. "Excuse me did you hear bells? Someone told me that Santa was in town and has come visiting our hospital!" Staying outside the room, I rang the bell again (courtesy of one of the nurses who wore it around her neck and let me borrow it!). "I heard it!" they both jumped up. "Can you help me find Santa? May I?", I asked Helen (mom). She smiled in agreement, her eyes lighting up in spite of her tired smile. My friend Ruth, rang a bell hidden behind a curtain as I walked them two rooms down as the rest of the ER staff pretended to be busy. I paused by the door and whispered, "Be real quiet now. Don't spook Santa!" The kids nodded, their eyes wide. I slowly opened the door and they gasped. The light was off but the room was lit up with Christmas lights (security found some in their back office), Balloons (blue and yellow gloves), a small Christmas tree that we had in the ED, and presents that we got from the 24-hour supermarket (Barbie dolls, cars, water pistols, bubble blowers, lots of junk food (chocolates, candy), puzzle books, storybooks all wrapped up neatly with bows and name stickers(from our label maker). We also had some stuff for Helen. On one side of the room, we had decorated the stretcher and put out a spread for them Burger king meals with the crowns and plates of ethnic food we had prepared and brought from home to share. Everyone had pitched in to contribute. We brought Helen over with the sleeping tyke John. Her eyes filled up with tears as the staff quietly wished her Merry Christmas as no one wanted John to wake up and pierce the walls with his screams! We took pictures and the kids had a blast! While they were there, we got sleeper lounge chairs, pillows, and warm blankets ready in the resuscitation room for them to go back to sleep. I left as my shift got over and said goodbye to mom. She was very appreciative. I went home with a good feeling knowing that it was always better to give than to receive! It was a Christmas we never forgot as we worked as a team and shared whatever we had to brighten up a family's Christmas! There was room in this inn that we called Providence Hospital ER that Christmas Eve for Helen and her family! December 24, 2008-To Give! She knew she was going to die. She had walked into the ER with her son with weakness and fatigue. She was septic and her pulse was very high and her blood pressure was dropping. I was her nurse and her eyes clung to mine with questions. When her son went to grab a cup of coffee, she asked me about her chances to survive. I gently told her the normal course of overwhelming sepsis and what our measures would be including intubation and CPR if she crashed. She wanted to discuss this with her son present. I got Richard the attending doc and together we discussed it with her and her son James. She stated that if at any point we felt that she may not survive to switch her active code status to a DNR. I took James aside and talked to him. I asked him if he had any other family. He said he was the sole caretaker of this 87-year-old mother. His dad had died many years ago. He had a sister, who he had not talked to or seen for 20 years. She lived in the same city but they had a fight and stopped talking. I told him gently that it would be a good idea to call her as his mom was very sick. It would only be a matter of time before her systems collapsed due to the overwhelming infection in her blood. He was bewildered and said, "But she walked in! She can't be that sick". I told him that UTI and sepsis signs in the elderly were very subtle and that she might take a rapid turn for the worse very suddenly. I encouraged him to call his sister Ella. "After all, wouldn't you want to know if your mom was very sick and you were not with her?" I asked. He readily agreed to that and dialed her number (I got it from the patient) as I held my breath. They talked and Ella asked to speak to me. She told me that she was an RN and so I was able to give her an update on her mom's clinical status. She had just picked up her husband from another hospital after discharge and promised to be there in half an hour. "Try and keep her alive for me, Annie" she begged. I stayed by Mary's bedside but she was rapidly going downhill. I looked at her and marveled at how her dying was bringing her two children together one last time. I now had her on multi drips. She crashed. We intubated her. Five minutes later her daughter rushed through the ED doors. I took her and her brother to our tiny family room where they talked for the first time in 20 years and hugged each other. Tears and laughter rang as they reconnected. Later Ella came to me and told me that her sick husband was sitting in the car and she had to take him home. She gave me her number and left. James came to me and told me that he could not watch his mother die. By now she was made a DNR after they talked to the doctor. He gave me his number and left. Another nurse relieved me for a break but I stayed at the nurse's station drinking my coffee and writing my notes playing catch up. A few minutes later I heard a voice in my ear, "It is time". Probably my guardian angel Providence, I thought to myself. I quietly got up and went to her cubicle. I sat down near her and held her hand. I spoke to her softly, "Mary, you did it. You got them back together one last time. Now it is up to them. Go in peace." As I recited the Lord's Prayer, she flatlined and was gone peacefully. I sat at the nurse's station and made the calls to her children. Mary had gone leaving her final gift behind; the gift of peace to her two children. I walked out of the ER at 12 midnight on Christmas day marveling at a mother's final act of love where she used her death to bring her children together. Merry Christmas and God bless us all! How privileged we are to be part of our patients' lives in times of birth, pain, celebrations, and death! I love being a nurse and hope to give that spark to others. We are in a position to make a difference but we need to make sure that we take care of ourselves and coworkers and strengthen each other in time of need. This will fill our cups and we will be able to provide the care others need especially in these trying times. So this Christmas season look around and fill the cup of a coworker with laughter, love, acceptance, and care in your own unique way! Isn't that what Christmas is really about? A loving God who walked amongst us and experienced pain and sorrow, healed, filled us with joy, and finally died for us! Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends. - John 15:13 Resources Reproductive Health: Teen Pregnancy BUILDING A MOVEMENT TO END HOMELESSNESS End of Life What Is Self-Care and Why Is It So Important for Your Health?

You are absolutely right honeybee. Many men are physically and or sexually abused but don’t speak up. Many a time the perpetrator preys on disabled adults too. One has to be very astute and observant with nonverbal clients. The clues may be cowering, flinching, trembling and sweating sometimes, bruises covered by clothing, blood in underwear sometimes and even acting out behaviors.Those are red flags that warrant further investigation. As nurses especially frontliners we may be the first people to notice it and maybe even help stop it by getting the team involved. A targeted population is also the gay, lesbian ,transgender community and also inmates in prison. I have heard horror stories from nurses work in corrections and also ex felons who come in as patients.

Beautiful! We get it! Been in those shoes on both sides of the triage desk! Compassion is what people remember the most not expertise! Getting both is a bonus! Those little gestures mean a lot to the receivers. I always pray that us nurses remember that we treat people not symptoms!

I am sorry to hear about what you went through and what your best friend went through! No one should go through abuse child or adult.The scars are lifelong and painful and very easily triggered. Hugs! Physical abuse within a marriage is more prevalent than one thinks. I always bring an adult patient by themselves in and talk to them before bringing in who ever comes with them. This gives them a chance to answer questions like are you safe at home? I found it fulfilling to help victims of rape and assault as giving them a listening ear and a safe space empowered them to take that first tiny step towards recovery. I was also very meticulous in my evidence collection for the rape kit, hoping that it would help them get the justice they deserved. There is a lack of SANE nurses and a huge need for them. Surprisingly when I help someone else in need, My inner wound heals too! Give your baggage up to the lord! This kind of healing can only come from above and not from humans. I have and I am at peace. Thank you for sharing pink doves. Know that you are loved and always perfect in the creator’s sight!

Beautifully written! Thank you for being persistent and saving his life! That clinical judgment was spot on! You were indeed the right person to be on call at the right time!

Welcome back to Nursing! Steps to take. 1-Resume-make sure you add any volunteer or "home care or babysitting services" you provided along with your sales experience. 2-Make sure you have a BLS that is current and any other state requirement needed like child abuse and infection control certificate. 3-Register with indeed or other search websites. 4- Look locally @ Nursing homes and hospitals for jobs/volunteer hours. 5-Check for jobs in correction facilities. Requirements are minimal but benefits are good. 6- Use your contacts at church,friend circles especially nurses and put the word out that you are looking for a job. 7-Some jobs especially homecare provide on the job training. Check into those kind of jobs. 8-Plenty of jobs where you Covid swab pts. They will train you. 9-Ask God to open doors for you. Trust me, He will! All Luck! Welcome back!

I just hope that others can share without fear. I decided to write this after my visit in Jan 2020. It felt like a weight lifted after I saw it on paper.It would be good if this would be taught in schools and colleges and resources provided. Many college kids go through this especially after a night out of drinking. They are afraid as it’s the popular boy who has a large friend circle. I remember speaking to a girl who confided how there was an attempt but she managed to get out of it. I encouraged her to report him for the sake of his next potential victim who might be too drunk to resist. She did but was frightened that she would be targeted. I would love if this was part of the orientation package in colleges especially when kids are away from their usual support systems. I hope this article helps others to speak up or unburden their hearts.

I was afraid to open up and share. At work people have shared their stories. I felt that sharing this personal experience, maybe others can share or even feel validated that it wasn’t their fault. I never sent my kids for sleepovers either.The older two understand now but not the youngest. It’s very tricky to keep an eye out but whenever I have an occasional party at home and I am busy, the older ones watch out for the younger one.

Life is a precious gift and yours for the taking. To squander it or lose it over a person or situation takes away your power over it and gives them the ability to make you feel less than you are.Why would you give them that ? Get out of the whirlpool this put you in. Use your experience to help others.You have no control over others actions or reactions but you are in charge of your life and how you use these experiences to help others. I hope the judges of this world catch him and right a wrong by you. In my case, I didn't know them and was a frightened child. I used to be terrified that I would get pregnant and would be thrown out of the house and labelled bad. I was afraid to confide in my mom who was my best friend. Looking back, I think she might have killed them and ended in jail.I also didn't want to "break up" the family. It was a heavy load on a child but my mom was stretched thin taking care of 10 children after dad's death. My siblings ,husband and my youngest girl 16 year old, still don't know. My other kids do. I remember my son and older daughter hugging me tightly after reading this. They had tears in their eyes and said,"We got you mom. You are safe and we love you!" It was the best thing ever to be comforted after decades of holding it in. They read this article separately but had the same reaction! The ones who love you will always do, no matter what! Know you are worthy no matter what happens in your life!

He might have touched your body Honeybee but no one can touch your soul. I learned to forgive them as it corroded my soul and left me bitter. I am grateful for confession as a Catholic as it frees up space for peace to enter and I don't hold it anymore but give it up to the Lord to give me grace to forgive the unforgivable. He may have escaped the judges of this world but he will stand in judgement one day. Try to forgive (which is very tough), otherwise it feels like taking a shower everyday and then sitting down to drink a cup of poison instead of coffee as the memories gets triggered easily.Peace!

I am so sorry to hear this. That's terrible that family would blame an innocent child. Hugs! Know you are always loved by God unconditionally. Anybody else's love is just a good to have and not a must have. Why would somebody stay with a person like that knowing what he did to you? It boggles the mind.It makes me mad as I wonder who else did he do this to and could it not have been prevented. Anyway shame on them for not being a real family to you. I can't agree more about being very vigilant with your children and young ones you care for. Thank you for being brave enough to share. Know that you are perfect the way God made you and you are loved. Hugs again Honeybee!

Thanks Emergent! I am no saint but have learned time and time again to use my pain and experience to help another going through the same. I am grateful to be in a profession where I can spot issues based on my background! My kids roll their eyes at me when I get on the pulpit on safety but it's ingrained in them and so the awareness is there.Sometimes the worst things you go through in life can be flipped to help another. After all prevention is better than cure right? In this "me too" men and women speak up but there are many who have kept silent for decades and break down and talk about it when asked as part of a visit.

I was hesitant to write about this but realized that many people have gone through this but keep silent. I wanted to be that voice for them. I used the title as like a flower that is helpless to stop any bees from coming and sucking the nectar, a child is helpless against an adult with intentions to molest. That was the thinking. I have nothing against bees but they do sting too! There was real fear that I would be held to blame, so the fear to confide. Many of times if a family member is involved, who do you go to as a child? Once my parents died , one after the other, I was an orphan by the age of 15. I lucked out being the youngest of 10, that my brothers and sisters raised me to become an independent gal! Once I lived far away from home, I found my voice and spoke up for myself. It did affect my thinking especially after becoming a mom. Now I look back and try and teach this lesson to my kids, and others ,so that they can be wise to the dangers around them.

I woke up in the stillness of the early morn. Mornings in Kerala, India were peaceful and beautiful. A gentle breeze wafted through the windows as I got up rubbing my eyes. Sleepily, I stumbled to the window and looked out. A purple predawn with streaks of blue greeted me. I held the bars of the windows tight, my knuckles white as I looked down at the old house with its sloped tiled roof and narrow verandah running around the house. The mango tree was still at the corner and the grass was wet with dew. My gaze fell on the corner room, “the secret room”. As an inquisitive five-year-old, I had run in to hide behind a wooden dresser locking the door behind me not realizing someone was in the room, an older man sitting on a sofa. He pulled me and had me sit on his lap as he asked me questions about my parents. I squirmed as he was holding me tightly, trying to break free. The more I squirmed, the more he smiled squeezing my cheeks and touching my lips. My eyes filled and my lips quivered. He heard someone’s voice and pushed me hastily from his lap. I rushed out of the room and fled up the gentle hill covered with rubber trees. The dry leaves crunched under my bare feet as I ran, my heart pounding with fear. I crossed the road and rushed through the green paddy fields to a little island of mango groves, land that belonged to my mother. I didn’t know what had happened. It just felt wrong. He was the first bee. My eyes fell on the short wall around the old house. I remember sitting on the packed wall at night as we watched my aunt’s pre-wedding party. The place was crowded with laughter, the smell of fresh jasmine flowers, the shine of gold bangles in the kerosene lamps, the constant chirp of crickets, and the occasional blip of a firefly in the inky darkness of the night. Everyone’s attention including mine was on the bride when I felt arms lift me and the smell of a cigarette breath next to my cheek. I was settled on his lap, his one hand a steel trap around my waist, while his other hands settled between my legs. As his arthritic fingers hurt my sensitive flesh, I bit hard on his hand and escaped to the safety of my mother and the kerosene lamps where insects threw themselves as living sacrifices. I don’t know what he looked like as I never looked back. He was the second bee. As the dawn broke, the birds broke into their cheery cheeping, the roosters competing to wake the household up. I went downstairs, made my coffee and sat on the open “sit out” steps shivering in the slight cold. This home was the new residence and the old house had been given for rent. I reflected on the other bees over the years. Was it my naivety or my innocence that attracted them? I trusted easily and did not discern motives when playing “doctor Nurse” or “Father-Mother” with male cousins which were supposed to be a “secret”. I was afraid to confide to my mother as I thought she would think that I was a bad girl and not like me anymore. As I grew up, I realized the game was an excuse to touch inappropriately and stopped playing. I stopped sitting by myself, reading books where the bees always found me. I avoided them and made sure I was surrounded by others especially at parties. When it was time to go to college, I chose a college far away in India’s capital Delhi, a three-day ride by train. As my brother and I traveled through green pastures where cows munched grass contently and over rushing streams with dragonflies hovering, their wings glistening in the sunlight, I resolved to keep my body to myself and stay away from the bees. As the sunset hit the long railway bridge and the shadowed fishermen made their way back home on the boats, I sat on the steps of the speeding train enjoying the breeze whipping my hair into a whirlwind! In college, I became the mischievous naughty girl who always lead the class in fun escapades. I read to my heart’s content in my small single room that boasted of a narrow bed, a table, a chair, and a closet for clothes! Looking out of the glass window to the bustling city below where cars crawled during rush hour on the flyover, I resolved never to have a boyfriend and focus on my studies and explore Delhi. Every Saturday, I would board a Delhi Transportation Cooperation(DTC) bus and explore the city. My favorite haunt was Lodhi gardens that were green, lush, and reminded me of Kerala, my hometown. The architecture was beautiful with old tombs and plenty of places for me to safely sit and read uninterrupted. Funny, even though the place was filled with the fragrance of flowers, I was far away from the bees. Another place, I loved to visit and ruminate was the lotus temple which sat on acres of landscaped land with seven pools. The clear waters in the pools and the soaring ceilings of the main hall always bought a sense of peace anytime my mind was in turmoil. The bees came but I had learned to look them in the eye and swat them away. Later in life, I worked in Saudi Arabia in a village near the Yemen border. The silence at night in the desert with huge stars hanging out for company as I sat on the steps of my flat at 2 am in the guarded primary care center surrounded by sand dunes for miles around was peaceful. The desert soil was surprisingly fertile with white coriander flowers and cherry tomatoes and juicy squash, my flatmate being an avid gardener. Our holiday was on Fridays and a group of us who were from different parts of the world would sit on top of the flat terraces eating international cuisines. I developed a love for Egyptian stuffed grape leaves, Philippine empanadas, Sri Lankan pineapple rice, and Kerala chicken curry. We climbed up a ladder to the terrace and sat on blankets. Sometimes we would crouch under the blankets when a sudden dust storm blew by! We would then climb down with stray sand in our hair and shoes laughing in our carefree youth! I did not have to worry about any bees in the desert as we were guarded and safe like prickly cactuses!! When I moved to the states, I marveled at the neon lights of Times Square, the skyscrapers and the sea of yellow cabs in NYC. I was awed by the thundering Niagara falls, the cool spray cleansing my body and soul. I felt renewed, yet insignificant standing at the base of the falls, waiting to ride the Maid of the Mist! In a few months, I married my life partner of now 26 years who I grew to love over the years. I was ever vigilant when I had children and never left them alone at parties and always kept an eye out for them. They complained that I didn’t let them walk home from school and didn’t trust them. It was not them. I didn’t trust the bees! Now that they are growing up, they have developed their own safety checks and know to avoid beehives! At work, I learned to ask the questions. Are you safe at home and outside? I studied to become a Sexual Assault Forensic Examiner (SAFE) and a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE). I attended the first-ever conference geared to pediatric patients and went for a documentation review three-day class with the prosecutor's office where we were taught proper techniques of documentation and how to be cross-examined on the stand as an expert witness. I stopped shy of three cases to complete my SANE certification due to family obligations. It's still on my wish list. I found it hard to be objective given my past experiences but was very aware that I had to be. This year, I visited Kerala and the hilly terrains of my mother’s hometown. As I sipped my hot coffee, my mind awash with memories from the nearby house, I found myself strangely detached. The shame and anger were gone. I felt safe and secure in my husband’s love and the love of God who got me through each day! I was satisfied that I used my experiences to teach patients, my family and other children to be safe, speak up and go to a trusted adult. I let my five-year-old self hide behind the cupboard in the empty room, smiling as I watched her stifle her giggles and triumph of finding the perfect hiding space. References Sexual Assault Forensic Nurse Examiner Expert (SANE / SAFE) Sexual Assault Forensic Examiner (SAFE) Program Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners