Nursing App HELP

  1. Hello, I am applying to a program and need help editing my application essay. IT's supposed to be between 300-600 words and mine is too long! Please help with grammar and just editing in general. Supposed to included experience, why you want to be a nurse, and the reason it is a good time for you. Thank you!!!



    Ever since my youth, I have desired to benefit my community. My diverse characteristics will prepare me to be an asset to the nursing community. These characteristics will not only help me care for a patient physically but to assist and empathize mentally. Competency is a vital characteristic of nursing, which I have experienced through working as a nanny. As a nanny, I have strong time management skills and hold myself to a high standard with fulfilling daily tasks. Through my employer, I not only practice my own time management but am responsible for two children's extracurricular activity schedules. Exceptional communication is a trait I practice in school and work through effective collaboration. Communicating effectively prepares me to interact with patients and medical staff every day. Leadership is an attribute I possess in everything I do. Being a strong leader gives me the opportunity to gain insight and feedback from teamwork with those I work with including young children I care for. Furthermore, working with young children sparked my interest in Pediatrics.
    I am a person who thrives on being challenged and I always have new goals to achieve. Nursing suits me since few other careers offer as much diversity and learning opportunities. The constant change in the field of nursing intrigues me and the opportunity to expand my knowledge. The advancement and innovation of medicine continue to undergo led me to pursue nursing as a profession. I believe I will be an active force in the ever-changing nursing field due to my dedication to promoting a greater well-being. I have an innate desire to help people and care for them. My grandmother was my strongest role model due to her diligence and compassion. Her diagnosis of Dementia and Parkinson's confirmed my passion to aid others facing similar battles. I took care of her in her last months and it opened my mind to the daily tribulations she experienced each day. Growing up, my best friend was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes at the age of only five. From a young age, it came naturally to help take care of her when in need. Her disease came with the task of injecting herself with insulin, that I quickly learned to do. I have assisted in the constant attention Type 1 diabetes requires in maintaining blood sugar levels and emotional support. Despite learning the shortcomings of diabetes I supported that the label of "diabetic" doesn't make her any less able to achieve her goals and dreams. The circumstances of my loved ones taught me they not only need aid physically but demanded an emotional support system as well. My experiences opened my mind that each person experiencing a hardship has a unique background and requires diverse care.
    I come from a broken home being solely raised by my single mother who always strives to provide the best she can. My mother taught me the value of determination and hard work as I can achieve anything I set my mind to. I strive to achieve high standards and excel beyond the situation. The prerequisite courses I have taken have challenged me to persevere and work hard in every task presented. In Anatomy, the hands-on experience with cadavers fueled my interest in the medical field. I experienced the importance of addressing alternate plans for completing tasks in a timely manner while producing quality solutions. Now is a suitable time for me to pursue the field of nursing due to my eagerness to learn. In regards to my experience, caring for my best friend and grandmother educated me on the expectations and diligence required. Although I do not have involvement in a nursing setting yet, my young age has provided me with a growing love of caring for others. I want the opportunity to begin investing in my knowledge of nursing and will not give up. In nursing school, I not only expect to gain knowledge but to learn new ways of thinking. I understand that no two situations are alike, and patients will present numerous symptoms that will require a combination of approaches. I desire the opportunity to expand my knowledge throughout my career and advance the highest level of care possible. My dream is to have a lasting effect on each patient caring for them mentally and physically.
  2. Visit emilyneel14 profile page

    About emilyneel14

    Joined: Jan '18; Posts: 4
    Specialty: 1 year(s) of experience

    5 Comments

  3. by   idkmybffjill
    You can probably decrease your word count by making the whole essay more focused. Right now, it feels like you are trying to shove as many points and character traits as you can in the essay. And that sounds good in theory, because then they heard more things about you, but doing that ends up making any essay bloated and disorganized. You can never focus on and explore what's important, and those important things get lost in the flood of other information. Instead, think about what points are the most important to make. If you could only write two or three sentences per question, what would you need the program to know? Then you expand on those points and frame them so that the people reading know why you are bring up these points and why they matter.

    I'm also unsure if the first part is supposed to be experience or just general traits you have that would be a good fit for nursing? Because it's not clear, and you want to focus specifically on their questions and make sure everything you mention directly relates and answers the questions asked. That honestly goes for all three paragraphs. I'm not entirely sure what the main overall point of each paragraph is because it kind of switches?

    You also may want to try to make some of the language a bit more natural. It reads a bit stiff now, and I think essays generally don't need to be as stiff as one might with a cover letter. And then connect thoughts together with transitions.

    Here's kind of an example of what I'm trying to get at, assuming the first paragraph is asking you to describe your work/personal experience. I'm using a mix of what you have in your essay and entirely fictional details to fill in blanks:

    Though I haven't yet had the opportunity to work in healthcare, I first gained experience as a caregiver at the age of twelve when my best friend was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. Since we were always together at each other's houses, day and night, I quickly learned how to help her maintain her blood sugar levels and assist her with injecting her insulin, often doing it myself. I found that taking care of her came naturally, and this inclination continued when I was one of the two caregivers for my grandmother, who had dementia and Parkinson's. Daily, I learned persistence and true strength even in the face of the many tribulations she experienced. I learned so much about communication barriers and being a strong support system. Beyond this personal experience though, I have also worked as a nanny for two years, which I believe will help me in nursing as well. Among getting the two children to their ten different extracurricular activities, helping with homework, and starting dinner five days a week, I have developed strong time management skills, and they never miss events they are scheduled to attend. [Insert other traits that relate to your job experience.]

    These experiences, both in my occupational and personal life, have led me to nursing. Etc. Etc. [This way, you could talk about how taking care of your grandmother and helping your friend made you want to get into nursing and how you being a nanny made you want to do pediatrics.]

    Obviously write it how you would, but that's generally what I meant.
    Last edit by idkmybffjill on Jan 18
  4. by   dianah
    Moved to Pre-Nursing Student forum.
    Wishing you success with your application!
  5. by   emilyneel14
    Thank you very much!
  6. by   emilyneel14
    Thank you very much!
  7. by   emilyneel14
    Second edit.. any suggestions?
    My diverse attributes will prepare me to be an asset to the nursing community. These characteristics will not only help me care for a patient physically but to assist and empathize mentally. Though I haven't yet had the opportunity to work in healthcare, I first gained experience when my best friend was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes at the age of five. Since we were always together, day and night, I quickly learned how to help her maintain her blood sugar levels and assist her with injecting her insulin, often doing it myself. I found that taking care of her came naturally. This inclination continued when I was one of the caregivers for my grandmother who was diagnosed with dementia and Parkinson's. Daily, I learned persistence and true strength even in the face of the many tribulations she experienced. I learned so much about communication barriers and being a strong support system. Beyond this personal experience, I have also worked as a nanny, which I believe will help me in nursing as well. Among getting the two children to their myriad of extracurricular activities, helping with homework, and preparing lunches, I have developed strong time management skills. Due to holding myself to a high standard fulfilling daily tasks they never miss events they are scheduled to attend. These experiences, both in my occupational and personal life, have led me to nursing.
    My past volunteer experience in 4-H highlights my skills as a leader and team member. As the president of my 4-H organization from seventh grade through high school I led monthly meetings, planned community events, and worked with members in group projects. Through open communication, mutual respect, and shared decision-making I gained insight and feedback from members. Community service projects within my club, such as roadside pickup and donations to less fortunate families demonstrated the importance of giving back within my own community. The volunteer opportunities I experienced will assist me in team work to promote optimal nursing success.
    I come from a broken home being solely raised by my single mother who always strives to provide the best she can. My mother taught me determination and hard work, accomplishing anything I set my mind to. I strive to achieve high standards and excel beyond the situation through my prerequisite courses. Through my Anatomy course I was challenged to persevere in every task presented as the hands-on experience with cadavers fueled my interest in the medical field. Now is a suitable time for me to pursue the field of nursing due to my eagerness to learn. In regards to my experience, my volunteer and personal involvement educated me on the expectations and diligence required in nursing. Since a young age, my growing love of caring for others sparks my interest in nursing. I aspire to begin investing in my knowledge and will not give up. In nursing school, I not only expect to gain knowledge but to learn new ways of thinking. I understand that no two situations are alike, and patients will present numerous symptoms that will require a combination of approaches. I desire the opportunity to expand my understanding throughout my career and advance the highest level of care possible. My dream is to have a lasting effect on each patient caring for them mentally and physically.

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