Pandemic Deathbed Confessions

[PMFB-RN, RN]

A few weeks into the first wave of COVID (my definition of a covid wave is when my hospital opens a covid ICU) I realized something.  I was the last person most of these people would ever speak to. We were on a treadmill of keeping covid patients on the ward and treating them until they couldn't oxygenate anymore. Them we would intubate them, take them to the ICU where most of them would die.
     It was pretty much the roll of RRT (I'm full time rapid response RN) to determine when someone needed to be intubated and I attended/assisted with every intubation that happened on my shift. Sometimes 6 or 7 a shift. This went on for months. 

    Sure some of there people would have nurses talking to them in the ICU, and thier families would speak to them via Face time, but once intubated very few ever spoke to another person again in thier life.
     So I started telling them that:
" hey, I'm not trying to scare you, but I've seen how this goes. This may be your last chance to ever say anything again. Is there anything you want to tell me, or message you want me to pass on?"
    A lot of what I was told is about what you would expect,  messages of love to thier families.  But there was also a lot of other things. People confessed things to me, and expressed life regrets. Many of the things I was told were shocking to me, and even more were heartbreaking.
    I'm carrying around all this stuff. One day maybe I'll be ready to share the things I was told. But that day isn't here yet.

[toomuchbaloney]

Take care of yourself.  That type of grief and trauma can be cumulative. I'll look forward to reading your book.

[JuicyJ95, BSN, RN]

As someone who worked through the entire pandemic in a critical care role, make sure you talk with someone about how it made you feel. There was so many feelings that I didn't even know were possible. That is, until you had to stare directly into the face of a patient, family member, or new graduate nurse and tell them everything was going to be fine, even when you knew it wasn't. Carry these things with you in practice, but do not let them weigh you down. If you ever need to chat, do not hesitate to reach out. 

[JBMmom, MSN, NP]

I so understand your feelings! I did not have nearly the volume of situations that you did, but I remember intubating dozens of people and one day talking to another coworker and saying I was so tired of being the last voice that people heard. I would want to say something profound and comforting, and I just hope that I brought some peace to those patients. Not many people had much to say to me, but I could see most were afraid, some really didn't understand.

Whenever you're ready to get things off your chest, we're here. I hope you have had some better times in your role since then. Take care of yourself!

[BeatsPerMinute, BSN, RN]

The first wave was the worst... No one knew what to expect and over time I grew more afraid of people's reactions than getting the virus myself.  Somethings I experienced during the initial wave (and second wave) while working both CathLab and in a COVID designated ICU: 

- The feeling of chest compressions on COVID positive patients being SO difficult due to the stiffness of their lungs. 

- Post intubation, using suction to remove the most foul smelling, thickest brownest secretions I have ever suctioned from an ETT. 

- The non stop calls of panicked and crying family members once we closed the doors to visitation in the ICU when the numbers got too high. 

- Seeing the sheer panic in a co-worker when they realized the emergent STEMI case patient we received gave him COVID. 

- When we had to ration PPE: learning during group huddles that techs, nurses, ancillary staff and even MDs have been caught breaking into secured rooms to steal our units / other units PPE for themselves. 

- My roommates and neighbors became increasingly wary of my presence and nervous to get too close as they knew I worked in a large hospital just a couple miles away. Daily questions of "aren't you nervous?" "how bad is it?" "how many patients are you seeing with COVID?" 

- Watching the hospital environment change. It was weird watching the ICU I had been also working in (and had been for years) being gutted out, so that each room could become a negative pressure room. 

- In CathLab: sheath just removed from patient's neck post heart biopsy and I'm holding pressure while the patient is on the table in procedure room. Patient had recent heart transplant, and so he had to have monthly biopsies to check for rejection. His life depended on having these monthly biopsies. While we are there, me holding pressure, he coughed, and had been coughing. With every cough, he looked at me with this wide eyed afraid stare, nearly in tears, then with this urgency (like a please believe me) voice begins telling me that he just had allergies. He swears up and down that it was not COVID or anything. My co-workers kept their distance. For me: my anxiety was growing, thoughts start racing, I realized that he is afraid that we might stop caring for him / refuse his next biopsy, which began just making me sad as I could not imagine what this man was going through. With every ounce of self control in me I look back at him fully composed, and softly say "oh I have allergies too and they're bad this year! I totally get it. Also the air in these rooms are so cool and dry and it always makes people cough. Plus you haven't had anything to eat or drink since yesterday so I can't imagine how dry your throat must feel right now." The shear amount of self control I had to have over my own thoughts, emotions, responses in that moment is prob why I remember that so vividly. 

- Being rejected from Uber rides because I was a nurse and people were too scared to have me ride with them. Oh and then going into the grocery stores pre-shift, in scrubs, and people straight up B-lining away from me once they saw me. (I will say this made grocery shopping much more efficient, lolll)  

 

Obvs there's more, but I've shared enough for one post, LOL. I share. It helps. I also listen. That also helps. Reminds me that we are not alone and we all went through a bit of hell during COVID. We all have stories and we all feel for ya. 

[PMFB-RN, RN]

BeatsPerMinute said:

The first wave was the worst... No one knew what to expect and over time I grew more afraid of people's reactions than getting the virus myself.  Somethings I experienced during the initial wave (and second wave) while working both CathLab and in a COVID designated ICU: 

- The feeling of chest compressions on COVID positive patients being SO difficult due to the stiffness of their lungs. 

- Post intubation, using suction to remove the most foul smelling, thickest brownest secretions I have ever suctioned from an ETT. 

- The non stop calls of panicked and crying family members once we closed the doors to visitation in the ICU when the numbers got too high. 

- Seeing the sheer panic in a co-worker when they realized the emergent STEMI case patient we received gave him COVID. 

- When we had to ration PPE: learning during group huddles that techs, nurses, ancillary staff and even MDs have been caught breaking into secured rooms to steal our units / other units PPE for themselves. 

- My roommates and neighbors became increasingly wary of my presence and nervous to get too close as they knew I worked in a large hospital just a couple miles away. Daily questions of "aren't you nervous?" "how bad is it?" "how many patients are you seeing with COVID?" 

- Watching the hospital environment change. It was weird watching the ICU I had been also working in (and had been for years) being gutted out, so that each room could become a negative pressure room. 

- In CathLab: sheath just removed from patient's neck post heart biopsy and I'm holding pressure while the patient is on the table in procedure room. Patient had recent heart transplant, and so he had to have monthly biopsies to check for rejection. His life depended on having these monthly biopsies. While we are there, me holding pressure, he coughed, and had been coughing. With every cough, he looked at me with this wide eyed afraid stare, nearly in tears, then with this urgency (like a please believe me) voice begins telling me that he just had allergies. He swears up and down that it was not COVID or anything. My co-workers kept their distance. For me: my anxiety was growing, thoughts start racing, I realized that he is afraid that we might stop caring for him / refuse his next biopsy, which began just making me sad as I could not imagine what this man was going through. With every ounce of self control in me I look back at him fully composed, and softly say "oh I have allergies too and they're bad this year! I totally get it. Also the air in these rooms are so cool and dry and it always makes people cough. Plus you haven't had anything to eat or drink since yesterday so I can't imagine how dry your throat must feel right now." The shear amount of self control I had to have over my own thoughts, emotions, responses in that moment is prob why I remember that so vividly. 

- Being rejected from Uber rides because I was a nurse and people were too scared to have me ride with them. Oh and then going into the grocery stores pre-shift, in scrubs, and people straight up B-lining away from me once they saw me. (I will say this made grocery shopping much more efficient, lolll)  

 

Obvs there's more, but I've shared enough for one post, LOL. I share. It helps. I also listen. That also helps. Reminds me that we are not alone and we all went through a bit of hell during COVID. We all have stories and we all feel for ya. 

Sounds like you and I went down very similar roads.