Pain Management

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Specializes in ICU.

I was trawling through my joke collection when I found this one - I forgot I had it. Read it and thought - I just HAVE to post it!!

After visiting my loved ones in the hospital a few too many times, I have developed some translations of medical-speak:

What doctors or nurses say ---- What they mean.

You may feel pressure ---- I am going to stick a needle in you. Its going to hurt.

You may feel some pressure ---- I'm going to use the needle to hunt around for a vein. It'll hurt even more.

You'll feel a little pinch ---- I'm going to stick a much bigger needle in you. You do the math.

We can aspirate that ---- You thought those other needles were big, wait till you see big molly!

We'll have to evacuate that ---- We are going to cut you open and remove parts of your living flesh.

The procedure was more complex that we anticipated --- I cut out lots of stuff and, wow, is it going to hurt!

A nurse from "Pain Management" will visit you ---- I cut deep, too!

We believe that pain management is important ---- We believe that its important that you complain about pain to your nurse from "pain management", not to us.

How much does it hurt, on a scale of 1-10? ---- Below five, Tylenol.. 5-8, percocet... 9-10 disable the call button.

You can reach me at any time ---- You can reach my answering machine at any time.

This is my pager number ---- You cannot even reach my answering machine.

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If you've been around Allnurses as long as I have, you might have heard this one already. I think it's posted here somewhere, and I think it's true.

A young man in his 20's who had been in a motorcycle accident and collapsed a lung was whining about his chest tube, and how much it hurt. Eventually, the doctor came by to see him.

"What's the problem?" he asked.

"My chest hurts!" whined the young man.

"How much on a scale of 1 to 10?"

"10!" responded the patient, without hesitation.

"I don't think you understand the pain scale," replied the doctor. "If I took two bricks and smashed your balls between them, THAT pain would be a 10. Now, how much does it hurt?"

"Uhhhh.... about a 3, I guess!"

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Specializes in ICU.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Oh! Gods! JayJay Warning do not read that post while drinking coffee in front of the computer!!!!

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I'll confess, I first read about the "brick scale" for pain assessment here and taught it to my husband and sons...now I can accurately determine if one of them needs to go to the ER or just wants to complain.

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Specializes in Step down, ICU, ER, PACU, Amb. Surg.
"I don't think you understand the pain scale," replied the doctor. "If I took two bricks and smashed your balls between them, THAT pain would be a 10. Now, how much does it hurt?"

OMG!!!!!!! ROTFL:roll :roll

Is this part of the JAHCO approved pain assesment??????:chuckle

Loved that one and yep, gwenith....never read that one with a mouthful of coffee while sitting at the computer!!!!

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Too funny! What would be the female version of this...first thing that comes to mind resembles a mammogram!:chuckle

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Specializes in ER, Hospice, CCU, PCU.

Read that here a long time ago. Have actually used a much diluted version with a few patients. It works.

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