I lost my twins....can anyone help me? - page 3
Hi, I'm a 36 yr old mother to two teen boys. I found out I was pregnant with twins in late April....I thought I was around 8 wks when ultrasound was done, doc said 10 wks. Anyway, I was terrified,... Read More
Jun 12, '04Occupation: LPN in LTC Joined: Nov '03; Posts: 345; Likes: 1I have never experienced that pain firsthand, but my youngest sister lost twins 6 years ago.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm also sorry for the insensitive comments from some people around you. I hope you are getting some emotional support from others that are near you.
Some people don't seem to think about what they're saying. My sis went through fertility treatments, then finally in vitro fertilization. It was so sad when she lost her twins after years of hoping and planning. At the graveside funeral one aunt even said, "It's ok, you won't have to put them through college." You'd think she'd know better, having had 4 miscarriages herself.
Is grief counseling available to you?Last edit by Betty_SPN_KS on Jun 12, '04
Jun 12, '04Occupation: RN- Case Manager, Med/Surg Joined: Apr '04; Posts: 204; Likes: 24I am so sorry. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I will kiss and hug my children tonight, as your story has brought tears to my eyes. I am sorry, and I hope you can find some emotional recovery. You are in my prayers.
Jun 12, '04Occupation: RN Joined: Dec '00; Posts: 826; Likes: 16**Last edit by susanmary on Jan 14, '05
Jun 12, '04Occupation: new grad Joined: Jun '03; Posts: 2,637; Likes: 18I, too, am sorry for your loss. Nothing more I can say that the others have not already said. Lots of hugs, and remember that we are always here to listen if you need to talk. (((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
Jun 12, '04Joined: Jun '04; Posts: 141; Likes: 56I lost my 2nd daughter 10 days before her 2nd birthday, and spent a long time (like you) questioning what I had done wrong, or could have done differently to change the outcome of events. I wish that I had words of wisdom for you that would make it all clear, and help you heal, but I don't. As trite as it sounds, time does heal, at least for me. And sometimes finding people to listen to you who aren't emotionally involved helps. I found a group at my local hospital for parents who were grieving the loss of a child, and it didn't matter if that child was 40 yrs old, or 4 weeks in utero. I will say a prayer for you, and I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Jun 12, '04Joined: Jun '02; Posts: 165Thank you so much to everyone for your kind words. I do realize that people have no idea what to say in these types of situations. I honestly can't say I would be able to think of anything appropriate to say myself. I really have no hard feelings towards people, I just think I'm extra sensitive right now.
My mother...THANK GOD for her! came today and said, "Kimberly, get your butt off that couch and get a shower. You ARE getting out of this house today." She's right. I have two sons who are also suffering the loss of two possible brothers or sisters...it's time for me to get it together...and I am. My boys have been through so much in their short lives, they don't deserve to have to be away from their mom all week while I wallow in self pity. They need their mom. They are pretty upset, but dealing with it.
The father left the night I lost the babies. It's actually for the best. If he couldn't deal with this, imagine if I had given birth to two disabled babies...(I already have one disabled son from the near drowning....and he doesn't seem to "get" him either) No way would he have been a father to these babies had something been wrong, had they not been "perfect".
Sometimes, even though I did have a very bad three days, you have to put your own feelings and sadness aside for a time to help others deal with their own grief.....I mean my children of course. I only have enough energy to help my boys...I don't have it in me to baby this man and treat him as if he's the only one who's lost these babies....I needed comfort too. I tried to comfort him, but it's awful hard when it's one sided and he can't even acknowledge I was the one carrying these babies. YES, he DID lose two children, but so did I and so did my boys. Not to mention my mother lost two grandchildren, his parents lost two grandchildren, our siblings lost nieces or nephews.....he's not the ONLY person hurting. My boys and myself are better off that he did leave. I'm actually feeling a little peace tonight. I think we...me and my boys...are going to be okay. The babies are in heaven....they are well taken care of. For some reason that someday I'll know, God took them to be with Him.....it's going to be okay.....
Thanks again so much to everyone. Just reading your words are more comfort than I've gotten from anyone...aside from my mommy of course. I'm 36 yrs old and she'll always be my 'mommy'...
Jun 13, '04Occupation: R.N. Specialty: 27 year(s) of experience in cardiac, diabetes, OB/GYN ; Joined: Feb '02; Posts: 1,947; Likes: 418I just remembered that my sister in law lost two sets of twin girls, the last years ago at 23 weeks. She now has a company making candles and lotions....I use the lotions in labor and delivery for massages..The name of her company is AngelsInHeaven Candles, after her girls....She keeps them alive in her heart with the name . Your babies will be forever in your heart as well......
Jun 13, '04Joined: Apr '04; Posts: 402; Likes: 80Like everyone else who has posted, I'm very sorry for your loss. Three years ago I lost twin boys at 23 weeks. It sounds like your mother is helping you with one important thing: moving on. My husband just said, when I was so immobilized from grief, that we wouldn't want to see our babies in heaven someday and tell them that we did nothing in our lives after we lost them because we were too sad. We would want to live a full life in their honor. And even though we only knew them for a moment, they have made our lives so much fuller. I feel things more deeply now. I'm a more compassionate person. I have a better sense of what is important and what is not in this life. I loved them very, very much.
Now and twenty years from now, I believe, you and I will both sit down to have a good cry about the children we lost. I often think about how old my boys would be if they were living now, and what they would be like. They would be three now, and so I notice 3 year old boys a lot. I long to know what they would have looked like and been like. I see now how capable I am of loving another person and I feel like it would be a dishonor to my sons if I stopped loving them and others when they died. It was tempting for me to hide away in sorrow.
My advice is exactly what you said that you're doing. Do the things you need to do, like being there for your sons. But also, remember your children that you lost. Obviously you couldn't possibly forget them, but I mean that you should not feel guilty about taking time to remember them. It is VERY painful. Crying is very healing.
After 2 years I could tell people about my babies without crying. 3 days ago on their birthday I cried and cried, but the tears are farther between these days. Now I'm in nursing school looking into being a NICU nurse. See, it helps the ache in my heart when I DO something good. I'm sure your babies were very, very beautiful and that you are a wonderful mother. I'm sorry that this is a painful and confusing time. E-mail me if you want to talk more about your twins.
Jun 13, '04Occupation: SNF Charge Nurse Joined: Jul '00; Posts: 35So sorry to hear about your loss. ((((Kim))))
Jun 27, '04Occupation: registered nurse Joined: Apr '04; Posts: 66; Likes: 3I'm so sorry about your precious twins! I have already posted this website on another thread, but I wanted to make sure you got it.
www.nationalshareoffice.com This is a website for support for mothers who have suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth or early infant death.
Another website that is good:
My baby girl was stillborn last August at 26 weeks. I am all too familiar with your pain. (((HUGS)))
Jun 28, '04Occupation: Oncology RN Specialty: Neuro/Med-Surg/Oncology ; From: US ; Joined: Jun '04; Posts: 2,441; Likes: 1,439Quote from OHmom2boysI can't believe people have the nerve to question your actions! They can be so ignorant!:angryfire I'm sorry you have to deal with them on top of your already tragic loss. My heart goes out to you and to your family. I would be devastated. I will keep you ard your babies in my prayers. Take care!.
I'm tired of hearing "Why didn't you go to the doc before?" or "Was there something wrong with the babies?" I DON"T KNOW! At my last appt on May 26 the doc said they looked great through U/S....I saw their little hearts just beating away. Now I can't get the picture of their little spines, their little arms and legs moving, their heads and their hearts beating out of my head. I never even got to feel them move inside me.
I nearly lost a son to a drowning a few years ago.....this is almost as bad even though I didn't even get a chance to know these precious angels. I just wish I knew what happened. And I REALLY wish people would leave me alone. I know they mean well, but it's killing me inside.
Even if no one has any ideas or replies, thanks so much for reading this. How can I tell people in real life these things when I don't even know the answers myself?
Jun 28, '04Joined: Apr '02; Posts: 38,750; Likes: 16,271People ask questions, usually NOT to hurt you, but out of extreme discomfort with the situation and lack of knowing WHAT to say. It's so hurtful; our society does NOT deal with death and dying well, esp. of children, infants and unborn babies. To all who have lost babies here, you have my deepest sympathy, empathy and thoughts. Bless your hearts, and (((HUGS)))) to each of you.
Jul 1, '04Occupation: RN Specialty: medical, surgery/ob-gyn/urology ; Joined: Jun '04; Posts: 111; Likes: 1Quote from moondancerI am really sorry to hear about your loss..... And even though I can say I have never experienced a loss like that, I can say that I had an identical twin that died when she was only a few days old....... they say she didnt get enough oxygen when she was born and that if my mother could have had a c-section " which was not offered at the time she was delivering us" she probably would have lived...... it has been hard, but there is nothing anyone could have done............... and I still to this day ask " why".... " why me, why couldnt I have had a sister to grow up with, to fight over guys with, to go through things and experience things with .... and it's really out of my hands.... and god has a reason for everything . hopefully someday we can figure out his reasoning as to why............... I can honestly say... some people think I am crazy, but I feel her around me... even though there is no explanation for it, and know that she is with me all the time......... whether a baby is brought to term, or dies in the womb, I still feel grieving is very similar for us all........ just the thought of really knowing that they are in a better place than we are, and god is taking care of them while they are watching over us.... " I have never really been that much of a religious person either.... if that means much...."Oh, Sweetie, I am sooo sorry for your loss. I, too, know the pain of miscarriage. As well, I am an OB/NICU RN. I can only re-iterate what the other nurses have told you. There was absolutely nothing you could've done. At 17weeks it is just too early. And there is no answer to the question "why". We have all tortured ourselves with that question, but rest assured, it is nothing you did, or anything you could've prevented.
My MIL actually had the nerve to ask me "what I had done", when I had my 1st miscarriage! I don't understand what gets into some people! At this point all I could think to say is "it was God's will....".
Take care of yourself, allow yourself time to grieve, and know your babies are in heaven....little angels. :kiss