Nursing School Essay

Pangea Reunited, ASN, RN · May 9, 2016

I'm not sure what they look for in these essays. Thankfully, I've never had to write one. I would start by breaking that monster into paragraphs, though. "I" should also be capitalized about 80 times where it is used lower case.

I probably wouldn't use the patient's real name, either.

Good luck to you!

samnwill23 · May 9, 2016

Thank you for your feedback but for future commenters I'm not an idiot I know that I should be capitalized and I know that there are a good bit of grammer errors this is just a rough draft just wanted an opinion of overall essence of the piece and also it is broken down into paragraphs but it did not paste corectly.

Anonymous865 · May 9, 2016

Unless someone on AN is on your school's acceptance committee, it is unlikely that anyone will be able to tell you whether the content is what the committee is looking for.

You have a touching story. It does illustrate community involvement which many schools look for.

You also have many, many grammar errors. You are applying for college, so your application should be free of grammar and spelling errors.

I will flag a few in your text below.

The nursing school essay say that it must be a minimum of 200 words explaining my goals and interests in pursuing a nursing degree and career. Im not sure if this is too long or if i am giving to much of a back story to what made me want to become a nurse. I just need some feedback.
When I was sixteen years old, I started volunteering at my local nursing home, because I felt like contributing to the well being of another person just for the enjoyment was the right thing to do.
The last part of that sentence is awkward.
When I first started, we would organize bingo games, give the women a spa day and the men a mock fishing trip to raise the spirits of the residents.
One day I noticed that there was one woman who never left her room, for weeks I passed by wondering about her well being.
You have a comma splice in the sentence above. That should be 2 sentences with a period in between them.
Then one day while talking with my supervisor I asked who she was and if she had a physical ailment that prevented her from participating in the activities. She told me that the womans name was Mrs. Emma Williams and physically she was able to walk and speak but that she had been placed there over ten years ago by her children and has not had a single visitor since.
She said no matter what we do she wont leave the room and rarely does she speak to anyone unless she has a problem. She had developed dementia due to her age and her children decided it was too much for them to handle. As i listened to my supervisor tell me the backstory, I literally had a bad feeling in my stomach and it was not pity for Mrs. Williams but compassion. The next day i made it a point that even if she doesnt talk to anyone I would still stop in and try to talk with her. The next day I knocked on her door even though it was already open and walked in. She ignored the knock and continued to watch television as if I wasnt there. I walked to the foot of the bed and said hi my name is samantha how are you doing today. When she finally looked up at me I thought she was going to burst into tears I thought maybe somehow I had upset her and asked if I could return later in the day. She sat very quit for a moment and then she said Sabrina my baby! Ive missed you so much! I had no idea but after looking at the night stand with the photo of who i assumed was her daugther I did bear a similar resemblence. I really didnt know what to say because i was only a volunteer and didnt know if it was appropriate or if i would get in trouble if i did not tell her that i was not her daughter. But regardless she had her arms out for a hug and i just hugged her and asked how she had been doing. She talked with me for almost an hour and a half about a lot of things and then I gave her a hug and told her I would be back the following day. I walked from her room and to my supervisors office to tell her what had happened and the look of shock on her face made me think i had possibly did the wrong thing, but once i had finished she simply said that if I had got her to talk then to continue doing the same thing. The next day when I approched her room she was sitting up in her bed combing her hair. She was once again excited to see me and after talking for a while she asked me if i could bring her in the sun room and we could have lunch there. Everyday I saw an improvement in her well being she started to smile and laugh with other residents and participate in activities. Whether i was really her daughter our not i was so happy that i could make someone else that happy. Once i became a senior in high school i had to limit my volunteering hours to once a week. I still went to her room everyday that i was there and she was still just as happy as always. About a year after i first met the woman who i had come to look at as a second mother I went to the hospital to volunteer for my weekly shift and my supervisor informed me that Mrs. Emma had passed away early that morning and that her family had been informed. I asked if i could have a few minutes and I went out to my car and cried for what seemed like forever. Three weeks later I recieved a letter from my supervisor that was addressed to me from Mrs. Emma. She told me she was sorry but she had to get permission from Mrs. Emmas daughter before giving me the letter. I thought i was going to drop the letter while trying to open it because my hands were shaking. This is what the letter said "To the beautiful young woman in the green scrubs, I wanted you to know that you made me happier than i have been in a very long time. I know you are not my daughter and I knew from the day you came in. But i want you to know the kindness you have shown me just to make me happy lets me know that there are good people in this world and you were put here for other people. I thank you for your time and your wonderful spirit Samantha, Love Mrs. Emma. Once again i cried and that is the moment that i realized that she was right and even though she was gone showing compassion and kindness to others completed me as a person. I dont only want to be knowledgable in my career but i want to make people feel better emotionally as well as physically. I want those i am responsible for to know that i truely care about them their family and their lives. I want to become a nurse so that i can help others in such a way that their lives become better because i cared for them. I want to become a graduate of Fletcher Technical Community College associate degree for nursing program because nursing is my calling and what I want to do for the rest of my life. Once I graduate from this program I will be continuing my eduacation until I reach the education level of nurse anethesist. In the far future once I have completed all of my schooling I would like to also teach nursing before retirement. My goal for nursing school is to complete the program with a 4.0 GPA and become valedictorian of my class. I thank you for your time and consideration and I look forward to becoming a Fletcher graduate for the year 2017!

Silverdragon102, BSN · May 9, 2016

Moved to the Nursing Career Advice forum

roser13, ASN, RN · May 9, 2016

I am not on your acceptance committee, nor do I know the exact wording of the essay requirement, HOWEVER, since you asked for opinions, here's mine:

I don't imagine for a minute that the majority of those 200-minimum words should be spent in telling a very long story about one incident in your life. Your school does not want to know about Mrs. Emma. They want to know about YOU. Not until your very last few sentences do you actually express your reasons for wanting to attend XYZ.

Reference can and should be made to pivotal incidents in your life, of course. Re-telling those incidents in great detail is neither necessary nor helpful.

One last thing: referring to nursing as your "calling" is also not a good idea. Describe how willing you are to work hard for your goals. Describe how long nursing has been your goal. Describe how aware you are of the current realities & hardships of a nursing career these days (and you HAVE done your research, right?). Just don't imply a heavenly drift into your career choice.

canigraduate · May 16, 2016

I just can't handle it. No reflection on you, I am a bit OCD.

Here it is, mostly fixed:

When I was sixteen years old, I started volunteering at my local nursing home. I felt like contributing to the well-being of another person, just for the enjoyment, was the right thing to do.

When I first started, we would organize bingo games, a spa day for the women, and a mock fishing trip for the men, to raise the spirits of the residents.

One day, I noticed that there was one woman who never left her room. For weeks, I passed by, wondering about her well-being. Eventually, I asked my supervisor who she was and if she had a physical ailment that prevented her from participating in the activities. She told me the woman's name was Mrs. Williams and that, physically, she was able to walk and speak. She had been placed there over ten years ago by her children and had not had a single visitor since. My supervisor told me that no matter what the staff does, Mrs. Williams won't leave the room and rarely speaks, unless she has a problem.

Mrs. Williams had developed dementia and her children decided it was too much for them to handle. As I listened to my supervisor tell me the backstory, I had a bad feeling in my stomach. It was not pity for Mrs. Williams, but compassion. I resolved to speak with her every day, even if she didn't speak back.

The next day I knocked on her door, even though it was already open, and walked in. She ignored the knock and continued to watch television as if I wasn't there. I walked to the foot of the bed.

"Hi! My name is Samantha," I said, "how are you doing today?" When Mrs. Williams finally looked up at me, I thought she was going to burst into tears. I thought maybe somehow I had upset her and asked if I could return later in the day. She sat very quietly for a moment and then she said, "Sabrina, my baby! I've missed you so much!"

I had no idea what she meant, but after looking on the night stand at the photo of who I assumed was her daughter, I saw that I did bear a resemblance. I didn't know what to say. I was only a volunteer and didn't know if it was appropriate, or if I would get in trouble, if I let her believe that I was her daughter.

Regardless, she had her arms out for a hug. I just hugged her and asked how she had been doing. She talked with me for almost an hour and a half about a lot of things and then I gave her a hug and told her I would be back the following day.

I walked from her room and to my supervisor's office to tell her what had happened. The look of shock on her face made me think I had possibly done the wrong thing. Once I had finished telling her my story, she simply said that if I had gotten Mrs. Williams to talk to continue doing the same thing.

The next day when I approached Mrs. Williams's room she was sitting up in her bed, combing her hair. She was once again excited to see me and, after talking for a while, she asked me if I could take her to the sun room, where we could have lunch. Every day, I saw an improvement in her well-being. She started to smile and laugh with other residents and participate in activities. It didn't matter whether I was really her daughter or not, I was happy that I could make someone else that happy.

Soon, I became a senior in high school and had to limit my volunteering hours to once a week. I still went to Mrs. Wiliams's room every day that I was there, and she was still just as happy as always. During this time, I had come to look at her as a second mother. About a year after I met her, I went to the hospital to volunteer for my weekly shift. My supervisor informed me that Mrs. Emma had passed away early that morning and that her family had been informed. I asked if I could have a few minutes and I went out to my car and cried for what seemed like forever.

Three weeks later, I recieved a letter from my supervisor that was addressed to me from Mrs. Williams. She told me she was sorry but she had to get permission from Mrs. Williams's daughter before giving me the letter. I thought I was going to drop the letter while trying to open it because my hands were shaking.

This is what the letter said:

"To the beautiful young woman in the green scrubs, I wanted you to know that you made me happier than I have been in a very long time. I know you are not my daughter, and I knew from the day you came in. But I want you to know the kindness you have shown me, just to make me happy, lets me know that there are good people in this world and you were put here for other people. I thank you for your time and your wonderful spirit, Samantha. Love, Mrs. Williams."

Once again, I cried. That is the moment that I realized that she was right and, even though she was gone, showing compassion and kindness to others completed me as a person.

I don't only want to be knowledgeable in my career, I want to make people feel better emotionally as well as physically. I want those whom I am responsible for to know that I truly care about them, their families, and their lives. I want to become a nurse so that I can help others in such a way that their lives become better because I cared for them. I want to become a graduate of Fletcher Technical Community College's nursing program because nursing is my calling and what I want to do for the rest of my life.

Once I graduate from this program, I will be continuing my education until I reach the level of nurse anesthesist. In the future, once I have completed all of my schooling, I would like to also teach nursing before retirement. My goal for nursing school is to complete the program with a 4.0 GPA and become valedictorian of my class. I thank you for your time and consideration and I look forward to becoming a Fletcher graduate for the year 2017!

I think that is a beautiful story. It's a great deal longer than 200 words, but hopefully, it won't matter. I would ask the admissions coordinator to make sure. If it does matter, you can condense this down pretty easily without losing the power of the story. I have provided some basic proofreading and editing for you, but you could still polish this up.

Good luck!