Nursing is making me cynical about humanity. (vent)

[HDARN]

Vent.....

In summary, if I would have known that nursing was like this before paying 30K to get this degree, I would never have done it. I work in a very negative atmosphere that pretends to support new grads, but really does not. I was given a month and a half orientation while being pushed to join committees and do extracurricular activities on the floor. I'm also in grad school. And I have children. I have barely had time to assimilate into my role as a nurse, and I feel like I am being pulled in so many different directions. My nurse manager is never satisfied, he always wants more out of his employees. Every email, every meeting is spent telling the nurses how we need to improve and where we are failing. I am miserable. I wake up at night in a panic about possible errors I made during that days shift. I get nauseous thinking about going to work and then spend the first couple of hours at work physically ill. The best part about my job is patient care, but I feel like that is only 20% of my job considering all of the other things I am responsible for (charting, dealing with physicians, dealing with my manager, etc.)

Some of my peers have been really great in listening to me cry (literally) about how miserable I am right now, how I feel trapped, etc. Good friends have encouraged me to find another job where I don't have to deal with this, promising me that not all nursing jobs are like this, but the fact is there are no jobs. This was not my first college degree. I know my life does not have to be this way. I used to be a happy, outgoing person who came out of nursing school wanting to help people. Now I don't want to talk to anyone. I used to feel significant empathy and compassion for my patients, but now I catch myself becoming irritated and annoyed by people who are in pain or vomiting. I don't feel compassion for them, I just want them to stop pressing the call bell- and that is bad, and I know that is bad, but I can't help it. I really think nursing is making me hate people. When I am at home, all I can think about is how much I want another job, or worry about the security of the one I have right now. I spent so much money going back to school to become a nurse and now I just want to quit. I get paid a miserable wage to get yelled at by doctors, patients and administrators. I risk exposure to HIV and Hep B, I stand on my feet 12 hours a day, miss important events in my children's life, come home irritated with my husband all for a miserable 20 something dollars an hour. Why did I ever want to do this in the first place? I really think nursing must attract masochists. Maybe an ambulatory care setting would be better, but how am I supposed to get into one when there are no jobs? I'm stuck. I need this job for the money, but I seriously regret ever going into nursing. It is a joyless, thankless job with no rewards and low pay. If I could afford to leave, I would. I know being miserable is affecting my performance, which only makes it worse.

How do you get into these mythical positions outside of the hospital setting? Where are these jobs? Why can't I find one and would it even be any better?

[P-medic2RN]

90% of your problems stem from management. Time to look hard for a new place to work. when management sucks, so does your life. Poor managers have a way of sucking life out of your soul like no vampire could dream of. Good luck to you.

[mcpnurse]

just letting you know that you are not alone. I'm in the same situation where I thought the unit was welcoming to new grads but it was the total opposite once I start working on the floor. I agree with the above post that 90% of the time it's a management problem. Aside from that, all new grads feel stressed and overwhelmed with their first RN job. Hang in there!

[Orange Tree]

The meetings and the charting drive me crazy, too. So much of it is repetitive ...and not a good use of my time.

[Journey_On, BSN, RN]

I know my life does not have to be this way. I used to be a happy, outgoing person who came out of nursing school wanting to help people. Now I don't want to talk to anyone. I used to feel significant empathy and compassion for my patients, but now I catch myself becoming irritated and annoyed by people who are in pain or vomiting. I don't feel compassion for them, I just want them to stop pressing the call bell- and that is bad, and I know that is bad, but I can't help it. I really think nursing is making me hate people. When I am at home, all I can think about is how much I want another job, or worry about the security of the one I have right now.

I remember actually enjoying preceptorship on a med-surg floor in my last semester of nursing school. Some of the patients told me I would make a good nurse, and I felt good inside. I felt that I could be a good nurse. Now I feel like I'm turning into a cold-hearted person.

I know being miserable is affecting my performance, which only makes it worse.

Same here. The stress is outwardly affecting my work performance, and my co-workers see it too. They are so nice and encouraging to me, and I feel bad that they have to see me at work when I am overwhelmed.

Thankfully, my supervisor and I had a really good talk. She wants me to be happy and totally seems okay if I wanted to try another area.

[surferbettycrocker]

jeez i coulda wrote your post! i have said the exact same thing to myself about the exposure to dz, inane amount of non nursing stress etc..honestly i dont think its as simple as 'its the management" no i think its a combination of things: compassion fatigue, stress

a tad of depression, anxiety and being drained. i, too am a 2nd career nurse and i say to myself "what the h#ll is wrong here this is not normal to work like this" because i had a more "normal job" AND more normal life prior to nursing.

i have been at this for 3 years and im still waiting for it to get better. and i dont think "going to school to get my MSN" is the golden ticket either.

sorry i cannot offer you much more than 'you are not alone'. i think a non-bedside position may be what you find helps you get that balance back. just hang in there if you can for one more year and see if you feel better with more confidence in your skill set.

[Medic2RN, BSN, RN, EMT-P]

I wish I had some encouraging words for you HDARN that would change everything, but I don't. I can tell you that I empathize with you and was exactly in your position a few years ago. The stress from changing careers to nursing and the undesirable conditions I found myself in made me sort of mentally. Something in me changed because I couldn't take the unhappiness/ stress anymore. I guess perhaps it was a paradigm shift. I started looking at work situations in a new light.

I came from a career where there was teamwork, coworkers were like family, and the 'job' was a good place.

Everything is now the opposite. Once I accepted that, I made peace with it.

Dealing with the hospital is a business. They use me and don't care about me, I treat them the same way. My family comes first, work is far down that list. Once you stop feeling abused by the hospital, I bet the "annoying" patients won't be so annoying to you. I took control of the thoughts and feelings I had because I could not control the environment I was working in. That made all the difference in the world!

I decided to not pursue more education in nursing. It works out for me right now with my family/ kids. Once my kids are older, I will do something else.

Also, I know it's a tough job market, but go find another job. Seriously, I believe it would help you. Or try transferring into another area. Keep trying until you no longer feel like driving off the side of a mountain after each shift (my old feelings )

Good luck to you, I hope you find peace!

[AE78]

Hello,

I read your post and subsequent replies and felt disheartened at the fact that so many of us feel this way when we first start out. I have been qualified for a year and when I worked on the wards I felt exactly the same. It's a big culture shock when you qualify and are out there brand new. The responsibility of the job is overwhelming and the demands made on you physically, mentally and emotionally are exhausting.

It does appear to take a long time to settle in, find your feet and actually feel that you can handle it, but you can. Nursing can suck the life out of you if your not enjoying it. It's not like some other jobs whereby you can walk away and switch off. People rely on you so much and it's only natural to feel annoyed with patient's seemingly constant demands.

It would appear that part of the problem may be that you are realising just how much you do care. You sound like a very compassionate person who came into nursing because you were looking for purpose and wanted to help people. it's disappointing when you discover it's not that easy to deliver the type of care you would like to. It sounds as though you are a wee bit burnt out.

Only you can decide what way to go from here, but please remember that you came into nursing from something else and you can always get out of it again. You have it behind you now and that is a great achievement. Try to keep your thoughts positive and focus on what you want, not what you don't want. Hard as that can be when you feel wiped out.

There are better things out there, keep an open heart and a positive attitude and things will change for you, good luck.

AE78 xx

[cagumbo]

I hear you and I sympathize/empathize with you.

I, too, came to being an rn later, 2nd or 3rd career. I wanted to do something that mattered, something where I made a difference. Some days I know I do, other days I do the best I can and, in some patients, it will never matter what you do, it will never be enough.

I'm now seeing why my preceptor seemed "cold" sometimes. I thought it was her. Come to find out, it wasn't her or her personality, it's just seeing the same "back pain" or "drama queen" or "demanding ahole" or "never satisified pt" that suck the life out of you. It's hard to turn around and then be the caring, thoughtful person you are. And like the above poster said, it's hard because you care so much.

It's also reality time. I'm a new nurse, been working for 8 - 9 months. I am finding out that nurses do eat their young, docs don't always prescribe appropriately - let me tell you about what my doc was going to do for a 9 yo kid before I called pharmacy twice on her - your feet freaking hurt after 12+ hours, the equipment absolutely sucks - why can't I get a thermometer to take a temp, rectal or otherwise in less than 30 seconds? Why am I always so tired? I have to work 5 out of 6 days? Really? Really!?!? and there's always something more to be done. Always!

It's those times when it all goes to hell that I give in to the universe, smile and just laugh off all the crap. Cause, really, we get to see some pretty cool stuff being a nurse. We do have patients that love us and truly appreciate us. I can't tell you the number of times someone has said to me, You are the best nurse I have ever had. That, my friend, can make your day. I do have fellow nurses that can say the right thing, talk me down or even literally give me a pat on the back right when I need it. I do laugh at work with my pts and not at them. I can help someone overcome their brand new dx. There's a lot of little stuff that I can do that can make a huge difference in the lives of my pt. I can bring that 80 year old 80 pound woman 3 warm blankets. That just made her day! I might not can stop her rectal bleed, but by gosh, I can make her warmer.

So part of it is being scared, since we know enough to know what we don't know. We had an idea of what kind of nurse we wanted to be, but reality sets in. It's not the ideal Florence Nightengale. It's not a movie set or Grey's Anatomy. It's real life. It sux and it's great all at the same time. We deal with poop, blood, pee, snot, and pus. Nice! We knew that coming in.

It's a privilege to be a nurse. A few days, I wish to be somewhere other than the hospital. But, then I sit back and thank the heavens that I have a job. Most of my classmates I graduated with in May 09 do not have jobs. I'm getting experience. I'm getting courage. I'm getting wicked good skills. I keep improving every single day. The days get better and the challenges get harder.

It's hump time for us. We've been out of school 9 months and we're seeing what it's like to really nurse. We don't have that magical year under our belts. Seriously, think where you're nursing skills and time management will be in 3 months. We still have a long road before we have those skills that we want so bad. But we have to show up, we have to try, we have to be willing participants in our own future and in our careers. We can't stop trying yet since we haven't even come close to scaling that mountain. It's hard. It's a slog. But there is joy in it and you have to thrive off the joy and not from the bitterness.

But, again, you do the best you can do with what you have where you are.

The only thing you can control is yourself, your attitude, and the way your perceive your world. I'm not saying you have a crappy attitude, not in the least. I tell friends, the last thing I personally get to decide on on the days I work is where to park my car in the hospital parking lot. The rest of the day, well, that's up to someone else: to the pts that come into the ER, the docs on for that day, my coworkers, my lunch time, everything else is someone else's decision. And how I choose to deal with it all. And for the control freak in me, that's a huge lesson in giving in.

I wish you the best of luck in finding peace within and while finding your "nursing" legs. We can do it together. We are going to rock our worlds. And, face it, if you want another position, go out and find it. That's the beauty of nursing, you can find what you want since there are so many options.

Good luck, my friend. I hope it gets easier for you.

b

[mswim]

I know you are reading this from every post but I a just where you are right now. I came to nursing as a second degree. I have a BA in psych. I have had several other jobs before nursing. Well my nursing job is making me miserable. Too much work, not enough time. Constantly being short staffed. I have done my share of crying. I was starting to feel worse b/c job dried up here even in the hospital. I felt trapped. But did dig up a OP HD job and I am going to give it try. I think everywhere now is going to be about the bottom line. It will at least be OP so more regular. I just can't stay where I was. I stuck it out a year and a few months at my med-surg job and got my skill now I am going to try something else. That being said I am also contemplating leaving nursing. I thinking about a master in education. Frankly I don't see the point of being miserable for 20+ years in job. I am too old for that now. I just want to be happy. I am going to give this other job a shot!