HDARN

Vent..... In summary, if I would have known that nursing was like this before paying 30K to get this degree, I would never have done it. I work in a very negative atmosphere that pretends to support new grads, but really does not. I was given a month and a half orientation while being pushed to join committees and do extracurricular activities on the floor. I'm also in grad school. And I have children. I have barely had time to assimilate into my role as a nurse, and I feel like I am being pulled in so many different directions. My nurse manager is never satisfied, he always wants more out of his employees. Every email, every meeting is spent telling the nurses how we need to improve and where we are failing. I am miserable. I wake up at night in a panic about possible errors I made during that days shift. I get nauseous thinking about going to work and then spend the first couple of hours at work physically ill. The best part about my job is patient care, but I feel like that is only 20% of my job considering all of the other things I am responsible for (charting, dealing with physicians, dealing with my manager, etc.) Some of my peers have been really great in listening to me cry (literally) about how miserable I am right now, how I feel trapped, etc. Good friends have encouraged me to find another job where I don't have to deal with this, promising me that not all nursing jobs are like this, but the fact is there are no jobs. This was not my first college degree. I know my life does not have to be this way. I used to be a happy, outgoing person who came out of nursing school wanting to help people. Now I don't want to talk to anyone. I used to feel significant empathy and compassion for my patients, but now I catch myself becoming irritated and annoyed by people who are in pain or vomiting. I don't feel compassion for them, I just want them to stop pressing the call bell- and that is bad, and I know that is bad, but I can't help it. I really think nursing is making me hate people. When I am at home, all I can think about is how much I want another job, or worry about the security of the one I have right now. I spent so much money going back to school to become a nurse and now I just want to quit. I get paid a miserable wage to get yelled at by doctors, patients and administrators. I risk exposure to HIV and Hep B, I stand on my feet 12 hours a day, miss important events in my children's life, come home irritated with my husband all for a miserable 20 something dollars an hour. Why did I ever want to do this in the first place? I really think nursing must attract masochists. Maybe an ambulatory care setting would be better, but how am I supposed to get into one when there are no jobs? I'm stuck. I need this job for the money, but I seriously regret ever going into nursing. It is a joyless, thankless job with no rewards and low pay. If I could afford to leave, I would. I know being miserable is affecting my performance, which only makes it worse. How do you get into these mythical positions outside of the hospital setting? Where are these jobs? Why can't I find one and would it even be any better?