Top Ten Best Nursing Inventions
10. Quick stick ECG Leads - able to be placed in the time between when the patient complains of chest pain and the pain disappears (approximately 30 secs)
9. "Instapan" The inflatable bedpan. With just one press of a button this flat sheeting will inflate to be miniature round rubber raft suitable to catch all excretory needs.
8. Suregrip shu - The only nursing shoe guaranteed. not to slip under ANY circumstances. Fits any size or shape of foot. Massages feet as you walk so your legs never get tired and is acceptable to all hospital uniform codes!
7. The diagnosis gate. This gate can be set up in any accident and emergency entryway. As patients pass through they are guaranteed to be presented with a diagnosis they will be satisfied with. Warning! diagnosis may not reflect patients actual medical condition but they are guaranteed to be happy with it.
6. Pain Detector Test. Developed from research into the lie detector this equipment will give an accurate reading of where the patient is experiencing pain, how much and what type. Pre filled syringes are can be attached so that the precise amount of medication can be delivered for the degree of pain. Optional extra: For those failing pain detector test after screaming the unit down and blaming everyone for not reacting fast enough - blunt needles.
5 Listening Linda. An inflatable mannequin for all those patient who insist on relating their life stories, grievances with relatives and minute by minute account of all illnesses. Responses include "Oh I know..." Do Tell..." "Reeealleee....." "Oh you poor thing - how you have suffered...." and many many more. Order your Listening Linda TODAY!
4. Medright. This device allows staff to program in the patients medication doses times amounts and will automatically dispense the correct dose tagged with a transponder matching the one in patients ID band. This transponder will beep louder the closer you get to the correct patient. Allows you to track down patients no matter where they are or how dark it is.
3. Safesorb Will instantly absorb ALL noxious odours. No sickly sweet overwhelming smell that leaves you gasping and wishing for the original odour. Guaranteed not to combine with existing odours to create "the smell from hell".
2. Telepathy twin set. Will automatically read the minds of all colleagues, co-workers and medical staff. Has the added feature of a ":disgruntlement filter" so they cannot read your opinion of THEM!
1. Call bells that can only be pressed if the patient really needs help