I have an extensive history with hearing loss that began in early childhood. Related to chronic infections, scar tissue, surgery, failed tubes, on and on. My right here had been ok. Left ear is "troubled". Most of my life it has just presented as a challenge to know which direction sounds are coming from.
When I started nursing school in 2015 I kept my hearing troubles to myself, but did have some concerns. I sought out a hearing test from an audiologist as I had not had one in more than a decade (nursing was a second career for me, I'm 36 now) The results wetter upsetting but confirmed what I basically already knew. The hearing loss in my left is moderate at some tones and "profound" in others. Right ear had some mild loss now but nothing really concerning. I was told that I would benefit from a hearing aid in the left.
I went home and looked into hearing aids only to discover that insurance doesn't cover them, and the kind I would like (in ear, discreet) as a young professional were about $7k. I pushed it all to the side and made it through nursing school. I constantly feared being "found out". BUT I had been a medical assistant for more than a decade and felt confident in my ability to hear blood pressures, etc... And did well in school.
Anyway, I now have my LPN. I work in an urgent care setting and have for over a year. Last month one of the providers I work with retook a bp that I had taken, not because he questioned my vitals but because he was trying to rule out a vascular dissection and wanted bps on both arms. His reading was about twenty points off from my original, so he took it on the side I had done as well and got a different result. We talked it over briefly, even had another provider go in and take it (that poor patient!) who got a reading somewhere in between ours. I thought it was odd but chalked it up to change in patient (nerves, positions, etc) and felt pretty confident in my reading.
Then today I had a similar instance at work. I got a reading of 152/90. Doctor rechecked at end of visit to see I'd ur hag come down and it was 188/98. Did it change that much in that time frame? Probably not. The conversation that ensued between the doctor and I was incredibly awkward and made me feel like absolute garbage.
I did what I had to at work for the next hour, and then when there was a quiet moment called the audiologist to schedule another hearing test and a hearing aid consult. Then I went into the bathroom and cried. And cried. And cried. Like... SOBBED..I am a new nurse with imposter syndrome as it is. Terribly. Finding confidence has been just an excruciating process. This just completely set me off.
I eventually pulled myself together and finished out my day. I've been tearful off and on but made it. I have a 14 hour shift tomorrow and then an 8 hour shift on Saturday. I just have this pit in my stomach and feel this horrible mixture of shame, mortification and fear.
